The Mistake
by redrosefell
Summary: Edward gives in to Bella's request, or so she thinks, and they move beyond the physical boundaries Edward has set & tried so hard not to cross. Bella makes the biggest mistake of her life and threatens the future of everyone involved. jacob,bella,edward
1. Chapter 1

The Mistake

(BPOV)

It had been a very long day. Alice and Rosalie had invited me shopping and wouldn't take "no" for an answer. Well, Rosalie might have. She was still warming up to the idea of me being turned. She would have been more than happy to have me out of Edward's life if it didn't mean hurting him. As things were now, Edward and I had let her know that things weren't going to change between us and the sooner she accepted that, the better.

Edward and the other Cullen men were off on a weekend hunt. Alice assured him that I would be safe in her hands and he agreed to let her babysit while he was gone. I told him half jokingly that I didn't appreciate being "the baby" in Alice's experiments, but maybe I'd find something revealing to wear for him later. He seemed eager to get the trip over with then, but I told him to take his time. After all he knew how long Alice could torment me with her makeover sessions. Edward promised me he would _try_ to enjoy himself, but thoughts of me in my new outfit would most likely bring him home early anyway.

The day had gone pretty smoothly. We coasted along in Alice's car, window shopping until her visions showed her what store held the most gorgeous clothes-that also happened to be the most expensive ones. We tried on what seemed like a thousand different outfits before lunch. I smiled and acted as if I was having a wonderful time. Truth be told, I really _was_ starting to like seeing myself in the glamorous things Alice and Rosalie picked out for me. If I was going to walk the earth forever, I might as well look like a supermodel, right?

Having sisters was never something I thought about growing up, but I already thought of Alice that way and Rosalie was becoming friendlier as time passed. Emmett had been like a big brother from the time we first met and Jasper was starting to have an easier time being around me. We hadn't got to spend much time together, mostly because he had such a hard time containing his desire to rip my throat out. I felt like that was my fault. Maybe if I ate something really nasty every day my blood wouldn't smell so darn appetizing? I figured if Alice loved him, then he and I would get along great...as soon as I was a vampire, too.

For now we smiled and spoke briefly from a distance

It was strange to think that they would be my family someday very soon. It was even stranger to try to think of Esme and Carlisle as parents. Physically they looked only a few years older than the rest of the Cullens and myself. Once I was around either of them for any amount of time, however, their older personalities shined through and I could see how Edward and the rest could think of them as _**Mom and Dad**_.

I had grown so attached to them all that it would hurt me almost as much if something happened to them as if it happened to Edward. They were already my family. I might as well face it. I spent more time with them and relied on them more than I did my own mother and father. I would need them to get through the time that followed my being turned from human to vampire. Charlie and Renee wouldn't be any help to me then. I would be more related to the Cullens when that happened. My human parents would be part of my history; one I chose to leave behind.

"Is anyone there?" Alice teased.

"Sorry, I was lost in thought."

"Oh, _I know_," she giggled, "You were mumbling to yourself and Rose just stopped you from walking in front of a car."

"Where _**do**_ you go when you space out like that Isabella Swan?" Rosalie enjoyed tormenting me. It made her feel like more of a sister, maybe a wicked one, but a sister all the same.

"La-la land," I said dully and did my best zombie impression.

"Been there, done that," Alice remarked snottily and we all laughed out loud.

"You two act so retarded sometimes," Rosalie smirked. "Why God, did you stick me with weirdos for siblings?" She raised her hands and pretend pleaded to the heavens.

"Thank you, Rose," I was serious now.

"For what?" she snorted,"confirming your suspicions that you were indeed weird?"

"No. Thank you for calling me a sister. That really means more to me than you could imagine." I reached out and took her hand. She didn't pull away from me but her face was blank. She looked a bit shocked, either at what I had said or the slip up she had made, I wasn't sure which.

She quickly regained her composure. "Well, if Alice is going to be your twin weirdo, then I suppose you both need a role model to look up to." She said with an air of superiority.

"Fine. You just imposed the title "Big Sis" upon yourself. Just don't tattle on me when I do something naughty, okay?"

"Like that would stop you. You have a mind of your own, Bella. Nothing anyone, including my love sick brother, could do would change your mind when it's set on something foolish...Like befriending smelly mutts." She whispered the last part to Alice just loud enough for me to catch it.

"_They_ think _you_ reek, Rosalie. I can understand that," I wrinkled my nose and leaned away from her.

"Hmph," Rosalie grunted. "Well, at least I don't carry parasites and pee on fire hydrants."

Alice was stifling a laugh. Rose was pretending not to let my comments bother her, but I could tell the _stink_ comment had her seething on the inside. She had her arms folded across her chest and she stomped all the way to the car. It reminded me of when I was a little girl and how I protested when Charlie tried to take me on day long fishing trips. I laughed out loud picturing Rosalie as a spoiled little girl pitching a fit when she didn't get her way. Alice sputtered and tears welled in her eyes. She broke down and chuckled, bending double as the laughter rolled out of her. I wondered if she had imagined the same little Rose as me.

"She'll get over it," Alice reassured me between giggles."Rose doesn't hold grudges for too long."

"Nah, she'll just take my head off in my sleep. Revenge settles her nerves."

Alice lost it again. I took her hand and led her to the car.

"Do you want me to drive, Chuckles?"

She shot me a fake look of terror. "Are you kidding? We wouldn't get home 'til Christmas next year, if we got home at all. I'm fine." But a tremor rocked her slight frame as she fought back another laugh. We looked at each other across the top of the car and wiped our grins away before sliding into the posh interior. Rosalie was in the front passenger seat so I sprawled out with my shopping bags in the back, behind Alice.

"So, Rosalie," I tried to sound nonchalant, "where would you like to go next?"

"Home." was all she said. Her arms were still folded and she stared straight ahead. I could see her cold expression in the rear view mirror.

"I'm sorry, Rose. I didn't mean to offend you. I should have kept my mouth shut."

Rosalie's features softened and she let her arms relax.

"It's okay, Bella." She turned to look at me in the back seat. "I need to learn to take a joke. I've always let things get to me way too easily. Let's just pretend it never happened."

Conversations resumed their happy tones on the way back to the Cullens' estate. We talked about all the new clothes we'd purchased and where we planned on wearing them. Some of the outfits were more suited for a Paris runway than the tiny town of Forks. When we arrived home, a quick trip with Alice driving, Esme critiqued our little fashion show and we eventually got all the clothes sorted and mine packed back into bags. Charlie would die if he saw the receipts. One small bag contained two sweaters that cost more than he made in a month.

Exhausted, I convinced Alice that I would sleep better in my own bed and she drove me home. I dragged into the house pulling my heavy burden from the day's outing with me. Alice waited in the car until I waved to her from the open door. I assured her all I wanted to do was crash on my bed and sleep a dozen or so hours. She tried to convince me to let her stay and rearrange my closet, but I won the battle and she left me to my own devices.

Charlie wasn't home and I hadn't expected him to be. When I had told him this morning of my plans he naturally assumed I would be spending the night with Alice. He got a kick out of her makeovers on me. I told him he should go spend some time with Billy. Since he barely took a day off from work, the company would do him good.

I forced myself to the bathroom to wash up and brush my teeth. I nearly fell asleep with my toothbrush in my mouth, but somehow managed to get back to my room and into bed. I was dreaming before my head hit the pillow.

I dreamed that Edward was climbing through my window, as he often did even when he knew Charlie wasn't home. It was so real I could hear his soft footsteps as he moved toward my bed. My vision was blurry as dreams sometimes are, but his presence was so comforting.

"You're back early," I said sleepily.

"Huh? Oh...well, I didn't know you were expecting me to come back so soon?"

His voice was strange, but I figured that my ears must be as tired as my eyes and let it go.

"I'm glad you came." I hugged him clumsily. My arms were so heavy that I couldn't squeeze him as hard as I wanted to.

"Me, too. Though I didn't expect you to be so happy to see me," he did sound surprised and I would have chided him for that, but I was just so sleepy.

"Don't be ridiculous," was all I could come up with and I pulled back the covers for him to crawl in beside me.

"Bella, are you sure you want me in bed with you?" he sounded confused but I figured he was just teasing me.

"You know I do, now get in before I fall asleep again." My eyes were already closed. I couldn't remember ever having a dream so vivid. Maybe this was real, but mind was confused from being so worn out.

Edward hesitated. "Are you sure you're awake?" I could tell he was smiling when he spoke.

"Yes, of course I am," but I still wondered silently if I was or not.

"I don't know...this isn't what I expected. What about _him_?" Edward sounded worried and that wasn't like him. He had been spending the night holding me in my bed for ages now, and he had never been the least bit uneasy about Charlie being in the house.

"It's okay. He's gone. I don't think you have to worry about that." My eyes were half open now, but the room was pitch black and I hadn't had time to focus.

I felt Edward scoot closer to me on the bed and I could make out his form, darker than the rest of the room. He looked to be taking off his clothes. Usually he stayed partially dressed to keep either of us from being too tempted to take things farther. I didn't protest now when I thought he might have changed his mind about waiting until we were married. He slid under the covers and his weight pushed down the mattress causing me to roll closer to him.

"I've been waiting and hoping for this for so long, Bella," his voice was a whisper now. "You are all I've ever wanted."

"I love you." I said and closed my eyes as he ran his fingers through my hair. The sensation sent chills up my spine and I gripped the sheets tightly, expecting the dream to disappear at any second.

It didn't. He pulled me against his body and rolled onto his back. He held me up, positioning me over him in a sitting posture. He felt so good under me. My legs trembled with him between them. He lifted my nightgown over my head and I let it slip off without being the least bit self-conscious of my bare body. After all, this was a dream, so he wasn't really looking at me at all. I imagined myself looking the way I thought Rosalie must under all her clothes. I grew confident at the thought and stretched, arching my back.

He was breathing heavily and I shuddered when I felt his body so hard and hot against me. This was definitely a dream, because Edward was always cold, no matter how warm my embrace was. I enjoyed for once not feeling like I was touching a stone. His skin was soft, too. Not like in reality when it wouldn't give at all when I pressed my fingers into it.

"You feel wonderful," the words escaped my mouth with a lusty sound.

He growled a low throaty rumble and I giggled. I loved it when he did that. I looked down to where I knew his eyes should be and they seemed to glow in the darkness. They were burning into me. I bent to kiss him and he grabbed my shoulders, holding me to him as he eagerly accepted my lips.

"I couldn't stop if I tried now. Don't tease me this time. I want to make love to you and I don't want to wait another minute." I pleaded desperately with him,knowing that if this wasn't a dream he wouldn't concede.

"I'm not teasing," his voice was low and almost menacing. I was anxious to the point of jumping out of my skin now.

He rolled on top of me, cradling my body and holding me closer than he ever had before. I stared into the darkness, trying to see his eyes, but I was too tired and my eyes just strained,barely making out the lines of his face. He was so hot. His skin was on fire, burning mine so that I exhaled loudly. His weight on me made me want him so much more. If only this was real. I gave up wishing and decided to enjoy the best dream I had ever had.

His moist lips kissed my face and neck. "I don't know why I waited so long to come to you, Bella." He spoke to my skin, covering every inch in kisses. I was euphoric. Nothing in the world mattered but feeling him touch me. My body ached to be joined to his and he could sense it.

His hands were under my head holding me still as he kissed my mouth in a fever. His tongue traced my lips and flicked mine playfully. I had a hand in his hair pulling him down into the kiss. This dream was _so_ vivid, but I didn't want to chance losing it now. I clung to him for dear life.

He moved a hand from my hair, sliding his fingertips down my throat, and further to my chest. He stopped there for a moment and I felt him shudder. "God, Bella, I don't think I can wait any longer."

"Then don't wait," I whispered in his ear. "I want this as much as you do." He parted my legs and his body melted against me

His hand slid quickly to my thigh and he pulled my leg up, putting himself closer to me than he had ever been. I suddenly realized how naked we were and I gasped. This couldn't be a dream. I could taste him, smell his scent. I could feel him hard against my inner thigh. "Oh, god, this is happening!" I was fully awake now and my heart was pounding in my chest.

In a split second he was connected to me, joined in the closest way a man and woman could be. I moaned loudly. It felt so good. A pain that I had longed to feel surged through my body and I moved with him. He grunted when I lifted my hips to meet his as he thrust into me. I felt like I was leaving my body. My head was spinning and my eyes filled with tears. I was more than happy that this was finally happening. All the tension left my body as our rhythm grew steady. We moved as one until passion finally over took us both, emptying him of all desire and rocking my body until I went numb. He let me hold some of his weight as he lay on top of my and I caressed the skin on his back, unsure if I had dug my nails into him or not. He put his hot mouth to my ear, still breathing heavily.

"I love you, Bella. I always have."

"I love you, too. Thank you for this."

He kissed me sweetly and rolled to the side. I snuggled against his chest and pulled his arm around me. There was so much I wanted to say to him, but sleep over powered me this time and when I opened my eyes, bright morning light filtered into the room.

I had moved away from him in my sleep. I turned over expecting to see him staring at me, fully dressed the way he usually was. Instead I was looking at his exposed back, red scratches along his shoulder. He appeared to be sleeping, but I knew he never did. How strange, I thought to myself. Maybe he's just playing up how exhausting last night was. I smiled to myself and put my chin on his arm.

"Wake up sleepy head," I said in a sing-song voice.

But when he rolled over, stretched and yawned I cried out. "OH, MY GOD!"

Edward was _**not**_ pretending to sleep...he wasn't even in my bed.

"I didn't see God, but last night sure felt like Heaven," Jacob smiled innocently at me and kissed my forehead.

What have I done? Oh, Dear God, what have I done?

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_**-More to come,if reviews do!**_

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	2. Chapter 2

**Denial**

I stared open mouthed at the perfect face of the werewolf lying beside me. This was the face of my Jacob. He was smiling that glowing smile that reminded me of the sun. It was one of the things that I loved most about him. _And there it was. _The truth. I loved him. Not the same way I loved Edward, but it was just as real.

It hadn't been a dream. The soreness in the most tender regions of my body were testament to that. Had I known all along that it had been real? This was my fault, wasn't it? How could I have mistaken Jacob for Edward. The two were day and night. My sun and my moon. My head was spinning. Without looking away from him, I twisted the flesh of my left arm in my right hand. It hurt. I'd used enough force to bruise myself. That was fine. I would suffer for this the rest of my life. The sooner the pain came, the better.

"Did you sleep well?"

I didn't expect his voice to sound so real. It forced me back to reality and I panicked. _This is not happening. Wake up, Bella. Wake up!_

"You okay?" Jacob's face was full of concern. He reached his hand out to touch my arm. I sat bolt upright and leaned away too quickly. The bulk of his body was taking up most of the bed and I fell out, landing hard on my butt.

Jake scowled. I retreated, pushing myself backward away from the bed until I met the wall. There was nowhere else to go. I had to get out of the room. I couldn't breathe and my heart was racing. No. No. No, no, no, no, "NO!" the word ripped from my thought and then I was crying hysterically.

Fear twisted Jake's features and he swung both legs out of the bed. He hurried to where I was and I couldn't move to keep him from touching me. He scooped me up and brought me back to the bed. I screamed when my legs rested against the warm sheet. _Not back here. I don't want to be here where it happened._

I was abruptly aware of how naked we both were and I was embarrassed and ashamed. Still, I couldn't make myself move. My arms and legs were locked in shock and denial and I was helpless against his strength.

He eased into the bed beside me and pulled me against him. His skin was radiating heat as always and he smelled sweet. I was crying so hard that my eyes were nearly blinded by the tears. I managed to pull my knees up to my chest and I rocked back and forth. Jacob moved away, his arms up as though ready to embrace me, but he was afraid to touch me now. I didn't care. I was alone in my mind, going over and over how very stupid I was and reminding myself that I didn't deserve Edward. He would never forgive me for this. He would hate me and he would probably kill Jacob.

Edward wasn't supposed to be back until Sunday, so I had 24 hours to relive the biggest mistake of my life until the worst pain I would ever feel enveloped me.

He would leave me this time and it would be forever. As understanding as he was, as he had always been, this would confirm for him that I wasn't worth fighting for.

Maybe I could provoke him enough that he would only kill me and leave Jake alone.

I couldn't blame Jacob for this. This was _my_ fault. All the most intimate details of the night before lay out neatly before me. Dream or not I should have stopped it before things went so far. I loved Edward more than life itself, and yet somehow I overlooked the biggest details that proved that the person I was with last night was not him? That wasn't possible. It didn't matter that it was dark. I should have been able to pick him out of a thousand people with my eyes plucked out. He was never any warmer than the cool tile of the counter top downstairs. He had never felt warm in my dreams, either. All of these realizations and more struck me forcefully one after another, sending waves of pain through my torso.

My mind came full circle, bringing me back to my room and Jake holding my arms and looking deep into my eyes. He was shaking me.

"Bella? Look at me. What is it?" his voice trembled. I never remembered him looking so frantic.

I recognized immediately then where I was and I scrambled away from him to get off the bed. I would not remain any longer in the middle of the crime scene; the place where I had committed the biggest sin I had never imagined myself capable of.

There on the bed where I had lain night after night in Edward's loving arms I had murdered the Bella he loved. I had given away, to someone he loathed, the most precious gift I had to give...the only part of me that was still innocent and pure. I had committed suicide, leaving my soul ripped in two, the remaining half barely alive.The other half of me-Jacob's Bella was still lying there where we had made love. I separated her from me now. She was no longer a part of who I was. That half was dead.

I crumpled on the floor, my legs giving out under me. Jacob started toward me again and I found strength enough to hold up a hand signaling him to come no closer.

"Don't, Jake." I managed to push the words out. I wanted to choke on them. It would all be so much easier if James had succeeded in killing me. Edward _could_ have moved on and Jacob wouldn't suffer the misery that awaited him.

"What is wrong with you?" he was yelling at me now, the worry and fear overcoming him. He had grown impatient with me and he was demanding answers. How could I tell him what I had done?

"Last night was wonderful. I've never felt anything like the love I felt from you.

And now you're acting crazy. I don't know what to do, Bella. Please! Tell me! I'll do anything you ask me to do," his eyes were pleading with me. They were clouded with tears that threatened to fall without notice.

I wanted to tell him to leave, but the dead part, Jacob's Bella, had resurrected herself at the sound of his pained appeal. This part of me wanted to go to him, wrap my arms around him and tell him everything was okay. I fought her off.

All I wanted was Edward. If this were some horrible thing that had happened to me he could hold my hand and get me through it. He would not be my savior now. He didn't deserve this and I didn't deserve him. It made sense that I should cling to Jacob, but it wasn't something rational that I wanted. I only wanted Edward.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Accept the Truth**_

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"Are you sick...you look pale? Just tell me what to do, for God's sake, Bella!" Jacob came another step closer to me ignoring my demand to stay back.

His bare body was muscled and tight. He had only a sheet loosely wrapped at his waist. My face went flush and hot.

"Don't, Jake!" I grabbed a throw pillow lying next to me on the floor and flung it at him to emphasize how serious I was. He backed up and sat down on the edge of the bed, bewilderment on his face.

It took me a few minutes to compose myself enough to say more than two words at a time. "Jake...,"I started,but wasn't sure where to go from there. I groaned and a fresh stream of hot tears ran down my face. I didn't bother to wipe them away. "Jake, I...we...this should never have happened." My tongue was so thick that I hoped I wouldn't have to go into detail just yet. I could feel a sob working it's way up from deep inside me and I couldn't manage to stuff it back down.

This wasn't a dream, it was a waking nightmare. What I had done last night, I already regretted and would for the rest of my life.

...my life, the one I was about to bind to Edward, my reason for living, was over. The future, eternal or not, that I might have had with him was gone-swept clean away by my actions in one short, terrible night. He would never forgive my ignorance. He would surely hate me and he would probably kill Jacob.

I wasn't even angry with Jake. There was no point blaming him when I knew with absolution that his part in this was played out merely in reaction to me. How in the hell had I let myself believe that he was Edward? They were so different, Night and Day, Sun and Moon.

_**You knew**_, a voice echoed in my head. _**You knew it was Jacob and you accepted him eagerly. Your promises to Edward were undone by your own hand, no one else's. **_The voice was bitter and it was entirely right.

I snapped back to reality and Jake, staring at me from the bed.

"Put something on, Jake, please?" Seeing him that way stirred memories of how good it felt to be in his arms. I clenched my teeth and beat back feelings I would not allow myself to have. Jake took his eyes off me long enough to pick his pants up off the floor and dress himself. In that spare moment I slipped on a shirt that was untidily draped over the rocking chair beside me. It was much too big to be mine, it hung down past my knees, but I was just so relieved to be covered up that I didn't take it off.

I remained on the floor, leaning my head back against the wall, while Jacob searched around the bed for something he had lost. He didn't manage to find it, so he gave up before a second search and sat back down on the bed. He looked to where I was and the faintest smile lit up his face. It was _his_ shirt I was wearing.

"It looks good on you, wear it," he blurted out before I even tried to take it off and return it to him. "I don't really need it anyway."

"Bella?" His voice was soft and low. "I don't understand. Maybe I'm missing something that you need to explain to me. What's wrong with you? What did I do?"

I barely spoke over a whisper,"You came here, Jake. You came here to me in my room and I let you in. That's all you did."

"What do you _,mean_? I'm not too dense to know you're hiding something from me, Bella. Don't treat me like a kid who's too dumb to know he's in trouble, okay. It's me. You can tell me anything," Jacob's eyes clouded. Tears threatened like a storm moving along the beach. I thought maybe he knew more than he wanted to accept without my explanations.

I was hurting him. I would hurt Edward. I wanted to die, so long as it was a long painful death.

I heaved a sigh and looked at the ceiling, not able to face Jacob any longer. A searing pain pierced my chest, burning and tearing what was left of my heart. I was certain that there was no sin greater than the one I had committed with Jacob. What was worse was that I had pulled him into Hell with me. I hoped the flames were especially hot when it was my time to burn.

In his fashion, Jake had silently crept up to me and was gently pulling me away from the wall. Rather than try to move me to the bed as he had done before, he settled himself where I had been sitting and pulled me close to his chest. I wanted to run. I tried to move an arm, a leg, but nothing responded. I sat paralyzed, not caring whether I lived or died after this was over.

Jacob's arms were around me, but he held me gently, just letting me lean into him while he supported my weight. He wasn't questioning me anymore-or if he was I didn't hear him. The steady thrum of his heart was the only sound I heard, coupled with my shallow ragged breathing. My senses slowly dulled until the room swirled around us becoming a blur of color, light and shadow. A numbness crept up my body, starting in my toes and spreading up and out to deaden every nerve ending.

Jake's arms tightened around me as my body relaxed. My bones were dust and no longer did the job they were intended to do. His body heat soothed the numbness a little, but did not remove it completely. My eyes slid shut even as I summoned the last ounce of strength I had to keep them open.

Suddenly I couldn't remember why I was here, or why I had become this heap of useless tear stained flesh that rested in the arms of Jacob Black. I tried to ask him. A single word slipped from my mouth.

"Edward."


	4. Chapter 4

**What May Be**

The air was warm here where I was now, and dry. It felt like an ordinary day in Phoenix should feel. The sun baked my skin and I stared directly into it for longer than I should have been able to. It was so bright, but it didn't blind me like it should have.

A shadow began to pass between the sun and myself and it took on the solid form of a man. Darkness began to swallow up the last radiant beams and a chill set in the air. Just before the light was completly extinguished it illuminated the gorgeous features of the man's face. His skin glittered in it's dying rays and I instantly recognized the familiar figure of my love.

Edward stepped closer to me. He moved slowly and silently as if he were gliding rather than walking. There was a shift in the temperature and a frigid wind began to blow. Snow swirled about us. Edward was close enough now to touch, but he didn't reach for me. His face was that of an angel, but his expression was blank. His eyes were black and emotionless, the way I envisioned them when he was ready to quench his unrelenting thirst.

I shivered, frightened by the way he looked at me, but that was the most movement my body would make. My feet were immoveable. Fixed to the ground as if they were cemented there. His hand lifted from his side and I bit my lip and braced myself for the blow that would crush my skull.

I was afraid only of the pain. To die was something that I knew I deserved. I had willed this to happen, and unprepared as I was I expected this-yearned for it even. I couldn't think of why that was, but I knew I was destined to die this way. I had earned it.

A fingertip gently stroked the side of my face, and cool lips brushed mine. I opened my eyes and Edward was sitting by me on my bed, looking down into my eyes.

He smiled slightly, but it faded into a questioning look. "Hi."

"Mmm," I mumbled my response and Edward patted my hand. I was still too groggy to pick the words from my brain and turn them into cohesive thoughts and words. I wanted to tell him that I was glad he was back and how much I missed him when he wasn't within earshot of me. I would have to wait until my tongue came unglued from the roof of my mouth.

He brushed the wild tangled strands of hair from my face and traced my cheek bone down to my chin with his fingers again. I tried to respond, but my throat and mouth were parched. I felt like I had swallowed a handful of sand.

I pulled myself into a sitting position and Alice walked into the room with a glass of water. She handed it to Edward, turned and left the room in her graceful dancer's step without ever acknowledging my presence.

Edward offered me the glass and I emptied it in record time. The ice water burned my throat and sharp pains shot through my head.

"Ow," I didn't sound at all like myself. I pressed my fingers to my temples to try to relieve some of the blinding pain.

"Brain freeze?" he joked lightly, but his voice was flat.

"Uh-huh," I moaned.

A fever rose up from my chest. _Man, was it ever hot in here! _I pushed up the sleeves of the silk pajamas I was wearing. I didn't remember putting them on. I must have been really wiped out from my shopping spree/fashion show with Alice and Rose.

That must be why Alice was here. She must have forseen how rough I would feel this morning. Or maybe she couldn't wait until I came over to retrieve something I had left at the Cullens'. She was never one to be patient.

I had thought of Edward's family's home as my own for a long time now. In a few weeks we would be leaving _home_ behind for God only knew how long. I wanted to wake up there just once as Mrs. Edward Cullen. I was sure if I asked Edward he would arrange for us to have the house to ourselves for our wedding night.

I was starting to perk up a little when I realized that Edward was back so soon. I smiled at the idea of him hurrying back to me, rushing the others and driving like a maniac just to be here when I woke up this morning.

"When did you get back? I wasn't expecting you until Sunday evening."

My throat was still sandpaper dry, so it all came out in a scratchy whisper.

Edward frowned and lowered his head, turning my hand over in his, examining every line and crease.

"What day do you think it is, Bella?"

He hadn't been this quiet and serious in a long time. He was still looking at my hand while he waited for me to answer. I was as confused by his question as I was by the way he was acting. And why _was_ Alice here?

"Uh, it's Saturday, Edward," I paused, caught off guard by his worried expression, "Why?" His worry had spread to me. Something was wrong. It was a long minute before he looked at me and when he did it startled me. I hadn't noticed before how dark his eyes were, or how sad.

I touched his face with my free hand and he drew in a sharp breath.

"Oh, Bella." His voice was a whisper, "Please, _please_ don't make me tell you everything."

My hands were shaking. No, it was Edward who was trembling, not me. He was squeezing my hand and it seemed for his own comfort more than mine.

"What's going on, Edward? Why are you back so early and why is Alice with you? ..."Where's Charlie?" He always checked in on me before he left out when he hadn't seen me the night before. _Oh, that's right_. He was expecting me to be with Alice all night and I came home instead. He wouldn't even know I was here, because when Alice dropped me off he wasn't...oh, no! I glanced at the clock on the night stand. It was twelve minutes after one.

"Oh, my God, Charlie?" I panicked and tried in vain to wiggle myself out from under the blankets that had been tucked tightly around my legs.

"Is he...do you know where is he, Edward? Is he okay? I need to see him and find out if he's..." Edward put a hand on my shoulder and forced me to be still.

"Bella, honey, Charlie is fine. He's downstairs with Billy and Carlisle." He spoke slowly and reassuringly. Why was he being so calm now? _He_ was the one who had me worried in the first place.

_Wait...what did he say? Charlie was downstairs with Billy...and Carlisle?_

"Jacob? Is it Jake?" Edward winced when I said the name. Something must have happened to Jacob.

"Tell me! Is he..."

_Oh, God_. I felt the blood drain from my face.

"Oh, God. Oh, no! It wasn't a dream."

Flashes of Jacob and I tangled together in the sheets...on this bed...and Edward knows...he's here and he knows and Jacob...that's why Billy and Carlisle are here. Jake's dead. Edward killed him. They're discussing what they plan to do. It's my fault and they all know it and now they are all downstairs planning a suitable punishment for me because I caused all of this, and for Edward because of what he did to...

My mind raced through the possibilities, but I had no way of knowing what was really going on. All that I was sure of was that everyone in this house knew the sins of Isabella Swan. I was sick with guilt and grief. My stomach churned and lurched, threatening to heave it's contents onto my lap. I took a deep breath and fought my body into submission.

Overwhelming horror mixed with the most painful guilt I had ever experienced sending me into full on shock. I pulled my hand from Edward's and wrapped my arms around my middle. I fell back onto the bed and rolled to my side, away from Edward. He must find me repulsive. He didn't touch me, but I didn't feel him move away, either. He remained sitting very still on the edge of the bed.

"No. It wasn't a dream," he answered my rhetorical question. "It happened."

Even though my back was to him, I saw the pain in his eyes in my mind as clearly as I could hear it in his broken voice.

"Why are you still here? If you know. Why are you still here...with Jacob's whore?"

My face was wet with tears that choked the last words out of me.

"Bella, don't ever, ever say that again," his words should have been harsh and full of anger, but he spoke in a tone so low that I barely heard them over the pounding in my head.

I felt him move closer as he lay down beside me and then draped his arm over me, catching my hand before I could pull it under my body.

Everyone knew what I had done. The pain that I had caused. Edward knew. Alice. Carlisle. And I had to assume that meant all of the Cullens knew as well.

Billy was here, so he knew already. It wasn't like Jake to turn to his dad for advice. Sam or one of the others must have told him what Jacob's thoughts held when he phased sometime after it happened. That meant that the whole pack knew, too.

_Dear God_. My own father knew. A secret that even I didn't want to believe was now common knowledge to everyone close to me in this world, save perhaps my mother. I took no comfort in the fact that she was ignorant of her daughter's mistake. When I got the chance, I would make sure she knew, too. My shame was not yet great enough.

Most people wandered aimlessly through life, hoping that by some miracle they would find that one person who would love them unconditionally. Two had found me. And I had managed to kill both birds with one stone.


	5. Chapter 5

**On Trial**

This was Hell. I was dead and the person cradling my body against them was not Edward Cullen, but a figment of my imagination. Further down in the depths, below the level of hell I was in, demons discussed how great or small my sins were and decided on suitable punishment. I could hear their voices, faint-but not distant- neither rising nor falling, deep in conversation. I wished the flames would just consume me already and drown out the sound.

It didn't matter what I wanted, though. In Heaven you might get to choose how to enjoy your eternity. But this wasn't Heaven, and what kind of bogus Hell would it be if you had any say in your own damnation?

"Make it painful and slow," I requested out loud.

"What, Bella?" an angel answered instead of the demon I was hoping for.

I rolled over and gazed into his eyes. They were obsidian black. He was punishing himself by being this close to me when he was so very thirsty. This could be the opportunity I was looking for.

It wouldn't really be his fault if he killed me. No one who knew the truth would blame him. I had forced him, through my stupid actions, to think that he needed to be here instead of hunting. He had been more self-disciplined than he should have to be. Much more than any other in his place would have chosen to be.

If I inflicted wounds upon myself, just enough to start the blood flowing, he might be weak enough to give in to his urges and take what had been crying out to him all this time. No one would blame him..._except maybe himself_. Would I never stop hurting him? Had I always been this selfish?

"I wish they would hurry," I whispered.

"Who?"

Why was he playing dumb? He himself told me that they were downstairs. If I could hear the mumble of their voices, then he surely could make out every word... And even if he couldn't, he knew their thoughts. I didn't need to wait for them to pass sentence if he would just tell me.

"I hope it hurts."

"Bella, if you don't start making sense, I'm going to call Carlisle up here to check you out, again. What are you trying to say?"

"_Again_? When did he check me out the first time?"

"He stayed by your side the first night and he's been watching you closely for the past few days. But he told Charlie this morn-"

"The past few...days? The first night? How long have I been out...or sick..or..Edward..what the hell happened to me? I'm not hurt.."

I should have stopped at _how long has it been_. Edward went rigid and his jaw was clenched in pain. He didn't want to think about what had happened any more than I did.

"Who did you mean, Bella? Why would you hope that someone hurts you? Don't you know that I would have to kill anyone who dared get close enough to attempt to hurt you by now?" He was changing the subject, but I really didn't care. He had pulled me so close our noses were touching. I could see the tiny details of his eyes, and that the iris and pupil were defined. Black on black.

"When one of them..or all of them-I don't know how it works-decide how to punish me, I hope I suffer for a long time. If it's death, I hope they torture me until I just stop breathing. I just hope they don't blame you for any of this.You were just trying to protect me." I caressed his cheek with the back of my hand. I had never been so set on any idea in my whole life. I just wished they would start sooner rather than later. The pain couldn't come soon enough.

"Carlisle? You should probably get up here," he said it calmly but I heard feet, more than just Carlisle's, hurrying up the stairs before he finished the sentence.

I was glad that they were in a hurry to finish this, too. I took it as a good sign that Edward had called them and signaled that it was time. That must mean something. He probably wouldn't get off the hook for murdering Jacob. . but maybe he was earning the right to a longer life by helping rid the world of me.

_Poor Jacob. I hope it didn't hurt a lot._

If they stretched the torment out long enough, I would mourn for Jacob the way he deserved. Maybe they would take their time because of my role in his death. It was in direct defense of me and what I had done to Jacob that Edward had gotten involved in the first place. Perhaps in exchange for helping snuff out my life, Edward would be pardoned, or at the least his own punishment would be light. I guessed that he still cared enough about me that watching my execution would be hurt him just enough...and then he would be free of burden and could move on with his life.

I let my thoughts wander. It was hot here in hell, but not as hot as I expected.

If the devil came upstairs with Carlisle and the execution party, I would have to remember to ask him about that. It wasn't very scary, either. _If I was Satan...how funny...wonder what my horns would look like...bet they'd be heavy...girl cows don't have horns, silly..._

Carlisle looked so far away, like he was at the other end of a long dark tunnel. It was weird, though, because I felt abnormally cold hands that weren't Edward's checking my pulse and reflexes. I turned my head to look around the room and the tunnel moved with me. _Oh_...maybe _that_ was part of the punishment. Like some kind of freaky house of mirrors thing. It wasn't painful, just annoying. That would suck. Annoyed to death. I giggled.

Carlisle smiled. Down at his end of the tunnel I could see his mouth moving, but the sound was muted. Where was that darn remote control? His face was turned to the side. He was telling someone something. Maybe he was ordering them to bring something that would hurt this time.

"Finally," a weird drugged out voice spoke what I was thinking.

A ringing started in my ears and then there was a pop, and it sounded like waves were roaring toward me, getting louder the closer they came.

"Are we going to the beach? I don't think I should be swimming." I didn't like the idea of drowning. I had been there before, it was too easy. Flames licking the flesh from my bones would be more suitable.

_Laughter_. Were they laughing at me? Carlisle was moving closer to me, or I was going down the tunnel to him. I wasn't sure which.

"Disorientation...normal...the mind healing itself...shock in defense... would pass," Carlisle was starting to make some sound when his mouth moved. "...can tell Jacob she's okay...don't worry...back to normal in a day or so.."

_Oh, man_. Jake was in hell, too? I wondered if his room was close to mine.


	6. Chapter 6

**It All Falls Down**

I woke up starving. My stomach growled so loudly that I was surprised someone didn't rush in to see how the lion got into my room. My mouth was watering...no, wait...it was drool. Eww! I must have been dead asleep to have not been awakened by the spit running down the side of my face. Judging from the size of the wet spot on my pillow case, I concluded that I had been sleeping hard for quite a while. My pillow was soaked..ew,ew,ew!

I tossed it off the bed and tried to push myself up on my elbows. My arms were weak and shaky. Just before my puny muscles gave out, strong arms were supporting my back, helping me sit up.

"Do you need to use the bathroom, sweetie? _**Alice, I need you for a second! **__She's up again_," Charlie panicked thinking that he would have to help me to the toilet.

"I'm fine, Dad," I yawned and stretched. My muscles felt like they had rusted in my sleep. "Do we have any milk? I'm just hungry. I _really_ want to make some pancakes." I was _famished_ and I _wanted_ to eat one of everything on an IHOP menu, but I would have to settle for my half-done, half-burnt pancakes. My thinking was still a little fuzzy. "I could use some caffeine, too."

"Bella, honey, I don't think you're ready to jump up and make yourself breakfast. Let's not push it, okay?" Charlie was smiling at my enthusiasm, but he sounded like the Charlie from when I was little trying to talk me out of the tantrum I was about to throw.

"I really _am_ fine, Dad," I slid my legs off the side of the bed and if Charlie hadn't been holding me so tightly I would have met the floor face first. "O-_kay_, maybe I'm not quite ready to jump up and make myself breakfast."

It was good to hear Charlie laugh. I just wished it wasn't because both my stupid legs had gone to sleep at the same time. Still, it _was_ pretty funny, and I laughed in spite of myself.

"What's so funny?" Alice danced through the door with a tray in her hands. She sat it on the end of the bed and looked it over.

"What ever shall I do with all this food? It really is a shame that no one wants some hot buttered pancakes, dripping with sweet rich maple syrup. After how hard I slaved over a hot stove, I really hate to see it go to waste." she sighed overly dramatic.

"Gimme!"

I inhaled a thick stack of pancakes and downed a tall glass of milk and a half of another one. Since when did Alice cook? She preferred her meals preheated and on the go. She must have guessed what I was thinking. Standing behind Charlie, where he couldn't see her, she winked and tapped her temple with her index finger. _Saw you empty the fridge_-she mouthed. I wanted more, but I was stuffed. Alice took the empty try from my hands and went down to the kitchen to wash up.

Now that my appetite was satisfied my mind clicked into overdrive. I had so much to ask, to think about...and to avoid. When I first regained full consciousness I remembered very little that had happened in the time that followed Jacob leaving me alone here in this room in a state of shock. It was now a week later and as the days passed I recalled more and more details. Some that I would have rather lost and never got back.

I combed the details of the most painful one, searching for any missed pieces my brain may have conjured while I slept. Jacob hadn't gone willingly. I would never forget the pain and confusion in his eyes as I tried to make him understand, in every way I knew how, that I needed to be alone. Instead, he kept trying to comfort me and that only widened the gash in my heart. How could I say to Jake that I only wanted Edward, after I had practically offered myself up to him on a platter?

Jacob hadn't forced himself upon me and I had given him no indication that I didn't know who he was. It was utterly ludicrous to think that I would mistake the two of them. He had even asked me if I was sure about what we were doing and I had repeatedly answered "yes". Being tired was no excuse for what I had done. Even if it _had_ been a dream, what right did I have to take liberties with the qualities of two people I loved, mingling them with each other? How hurt they both would be to see how much I loved the other one.

Finally, when I had I cried until my tears ran dry, I could not force a reason for Jacob to go. A part of me wanted him to stay and be close to me. I hated myself for sharing something so sacred with him and then ruining it for us both. He _had_ to go, before I did something else I would regret. I wasn't thinking straight with him that close. Just being in the same room with him was painful. It made me think of what Edward had said about our first meeting and how my simply existing had threatened to undo all the work he had done and turn him into a monster again.

Jacob had been holding me against his bare chest, and his scent mixed with mine was erotic. It made me hunger for something I told myself I didn't really want. It was too much for me to take. I pulled myself away from him and in the most bitter, angry tone I could muster I threatened to find a way to kill us both if he didn't leave. I told him that I would rather die than let us be together this way again. I said that it made me sick to think of what we had done and I wished it hadn't happened.

That wasn't even close to the truth, but I had no doubt that he believed me when I saw his reaction. His eyes had grown nearly as dark as Edward's. His expression was pained, but underneath that hurt I saw a fury rise and he let it consume him. He backed away from me slowly, maybe considering for a minute if I was telling the truth, but I somehow kept my composure. If he hadn't believed me before he did then. He clambered out the window and phased into the huge russet wolf before his feet ever hit the ground. He disappeared into the dark green canopy of the forest and I hadn't seen him since.

I tore the shirt off before I knew what I was doing. His scent, like the forest floor wet with rain, was a musky perfume that made my head spin. I had to get it away from me, I had to get him off my skin. I ran to the bathroom and stepped into the shower, turning on only the hot water. It warmed quickly to a scalding heat that felt too much like Jacob's touch. I twisted the knob to the right so tightly that I felt the gasket crack, a thin stream of hot water seeped around the seal down onto my feet. I turned on the cold and it rushed down knocking the breath out of me. I gasped for air as my lungs fought the shock my body was going into. I leaned back against the wall and slid down into the tub. I hadn't even bothered to pull the vinyl curtain closed. I was too numb and indifferent to care.

I don't know how much time passed before Alice found me, hypothermic and clinging to life. She had driven me to the ER where Carlisle and Edward were already waiting. Charlie arrived just after I had been admitted. He'd heard the 911 call go out over the police scanner in his cruiser that a girl fitting my description was in route to the hospital and by now he knew better than to take chances on it not being me. It usually was.

Carlisle performed a miracle that night, bringing me back from the verge of death. He had stayed by my side the whole time I lay in critical condition, monitoring my vital signs much more than was necessary. Alice had seen me pull through with no major complications, but he didn't tell this to Edward as a vise to keep him under his watchful eye.

He bent hospital rules and policy and let Charlie sit with me for hours at a time. Edward never left and Carlisle wouldn't have let him if he'd tried. It was safer for everyone if Edward remained under Carlisle's supervision. He knew without the advantage of Edward's skill, what was brewing in Edward's mind. Alice later filled in all the missing gaps of my memory she could. What I knew of my stay in the hospital, and the two days I lulled in and out of delirium she had given me. Everything else was a blur.

"Bells, you okay?" Charlie wrapped his arm around me and I was uncomfortable knowing that he knew the intimate details of my sex life and how complex and twisted it was. The fact that Jacob was involved was the icing on the cake. I wondered if Charlie had threatened Jake? Or if he had even seen him?

At first I wanted to ask him, but then I decided it would be better to leave it alone and not begin a conversation I didn't ever want to have with Charlie.

"Yeah, I'm just way too full. Next time stop me at half a gallon of milk and twenty or so pancakes, okay?"

"You haven't eaten more than a handful of crumbs in so long that I didn't think letting you gorge was such a bad idea," he chuckled. "Besides you looked just like a little piggy set free in a full dumpster. You weren't joking when you said you were starving. I don't know where you put it all."

"Neither do I," I groaned.

"I thought I might head in to work and let Alice help you get cleaned up a little. If you two will be okay, that is."

"Sure,sure," I bit my tongue for using the reply I had picked up from Jacob. I didn't want to think about him anymore today. "You go ahead. I'm sure "the warden" won't let me get too riled up while you're away." I said it loud enough for Alice to hear downstairs.

"I'll instigate lock down mode as soon as you're gone, Charlie," she answered with her own snide remark. "I'll be right up, Miss Piggy. Just do me a favor and try not to become any more disgusting until I get there."

"See why I love that girl?" Charlie asked with a wide grin. He kissed my forehead and rose to leave, but he stopped in his tracks like he had just remembered something he meant to say to me.

"Bella, you know I love you, right?" he looked like he almost expected me to say no.

"Yes, Dad. You don't have to all mushy to show me that you care. I love you, too."

"You know I'm not very good with showing emotions and stuff but," he looked uneasy, "you know that if you ever..you know...needed to...tell me something...or..uh, just talk...I'm always ready to listen,okay?"

"Yeah, maybe later,Dad," I rushed through my words,"you had better get to work before the town falls into chaos."

"Okay, I'll call in a few hours to check on you," and he bounded out the door.

Thank goodness Charlie wasn't one of those overly involved parents who would press me until I spilled my guts, telling him more than he needed to know.

I felt bad for him having to carry the burden of the knowledge he already had.

I looked down at my pajamas. They were stained with sweat, drool, and sticky pancake syrup. I reeked, too. I hoped no one dropped in until I finished power washing myself. I sat straight and tried a second time to get myself out of bed. I put my feet on the floor and willed my wobbly knees to stop knocking. I went slower this time and didn't fall. I stood up straight and my stomach lurched and rolled. Suddenly spilling my guts didn't seem like such a bad thing. My legs had regained most of the feeling in them and I stumbled to the bathroom. I made it just in time to see my mega breakfast splatter in the toilet.

"Ah, gross," a voice hissed behind me. "Alice, I am not going in there. You clean up Pukey and I'll get her some clean clothes."

Great. Rosalie was not someone I wanted to have to face for a long time. She would never let this go -not that I blamed her for that. I just didn't need her throwing it up in my face every time she felt like it.

I made sacrifices to the porcelain god until I had regurgitated what had to have been three times the amount of food I had actually eaten. Rosalie was in my room changing the sheets on the bed. So far she had been nothing but nice. Alice stripped my clothes off and helped me into a tub of luke-warm water.

"I hope the temperature's okay. The last time I ran it pretty warm and you screamed until I pulled you out. I didn't want to go through that again."

"Sorry, Alice. I didn't mean to be so difficult," I didn't remember it, but I was sure I had reacted that way. I didn't want anything remotely hot touching me.

"It's forgiven and forgotten. You weren't all there. I don't think you knew what was going on."

The water was nice. I dreaded the thought of getting back in the bed, and then I had a thought.

"Alice, if I ask you to do something for me, could you just do it, no questions asked?"

"I'll try. It depends on what you want. As long it doesn't involve you leaving the house or me leaving you alone, I can do most anything you ask," she was sincere. She would do anything for me. Even let me leave if that's what I really wanted. Alice was good about breaking her own rules.

"I want you to get me a new mattress, and get rid of that one."

She looked at me somberly, understanding in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I never even thought about it. I'll get it done before you're out of the tub, okay?"

I knew she would somehow. She pulled her phone from her pocket and dialed. I didn't try to hear what she was saying or who she was talking to. It didn't matter, as long as it was taken care of. I felt such relief and at the same time sorrow. So much time had been spent in that bed feeling the best I ever had, sleeping safely in Edward's arms. I never wanted to look at it again, knowing that Jake and I had shared something there that I should have experienced with Edward.


	7. Chapter 7

_**The **_**Good**_** Drugs**_

A good vomiting session, I had discovered, was very quick to wear you out. I fought the urge to gag just thinking about what a mess I would have been if Alice hadn't been here to clean up. Even if Rosalie had been with me in Alice's absence _-and she wouldn't have, not a chance in hell- _she'd said herself that she did not nor did she ever intend to mop up puke. I imagined what it would have been like to have her as a mother.

Maybe if things had gone the way she planned, when she was still just a human girl on the verge of marriage, she wouldn't have felt that way. She had wanted a baby. That was her reason for getting married, she had told me. A baby, mess and all. Time and circumstance had taken a toll on Rosalie's personality. What must she have been like back then?

I remembered listening to Rosalie tell her story and thinking to myself how greatly I had misjudged her. She _was_ a little well-to-do,yes. But understanding how _human_ Rosalie became _vampire_ Rosalie explained lots about why she had such a hard time accepting that I _wanted_ to be changed. She didn't get the chance to decide, and even though Carlisle had done it for good reason, I didn't think she would have asked him to. Her life had been short and ended bitterly, and that bitterness had carried over into her afterlife.

One day she might except me. She may never like me. She might always hate me. But I still held onto the hope that we could one day be friends. I was going to try my hardest to break down the barrier between Rosalie and I. I wanted Rose and I to be more than just tolerant of each other. We were going to be family soon and I wanted to end the tension between us.

Deep down I tried not to get my hopes up. Things might never change. I knew from experience that some people never mesh, no matter how hard they are pushed together. I had seen that first-hand with Edward and...

I was not thinking about that now, not about _him_.

I covered my face with a wash cloth and sank down into the tub. I was a wrinkly prune by now, but it felt nice to be clean. The water was nearly cold, but I wanted to soak for as long as possible, hoping I would miss the mattress exchange in my room.

Alice had filled the water deep enough that I could float when I relaxed a little. I skimmed my hands along the cool surface, making tiny ripples that plipped and plopped when they met the sides of the tub. I stretched my legs out and my toes broke the surface. The water was much cooler now. I was going to have to get out soon. Would Alice know that I was biding my time until my new bed was set up and hurry things along? Maybe they were finished. I had tuned out any noise from outside the bathroom. I didn't know if anything had even changed since she made the phone call.

I pulled the plug and let the water drain until only an inch or so was left. I carefully stepped out onto the towel Alice had placed on the floor and wrung the water out of my hair. I flipped my head over to fashion a towel turban when I noticed something was wrong. Something was missing. My charm bracelet was gone. Someone must have put it away when I was too distracted to notice. I didn't want to see it right now, but I wanted to make sure that it was safe. I made a mental note to look for it as soon as I was dressed.

I slipped on a clean night shirt and a pair of boy shorts that had seen better days. I felt like a fairy princess compared to what I must have looked like before my bath. I hated that anyone had seen me that way, especially Edward. No matter how much time I spent with him, he still made me nervous. He was the embodiment of perfection. I, however, was still merely human and my flaws were very apparent. That's the way I felt, anyway. In comparison to Alice, Rosalie and Esme, I thought myself grotesque. They were like gods or angels. Never burdened by the betrayals of the human form, their bodies were temples. Idols. Something to be worshiped.

Someday soon I would be what Edward deserved. He may not think so, but I knew once I was changed he would realize how very dull I had been before. He had never once asked me to change a single thing about myself. always acting as if _I _were the perfect one. He didn't like it when I made negative comments about my features. To hear him tell it, I couldn't be any more glamorous than I already was.

I stepped into the hallway cautiously. As far as I could tell nothing had changed. I had expected Alice to come back and check on me. Maybe even demand to help me out of the tub and back to bed. Thankfully I hadn't needed her. I didn't know if it was the soothing water or something else, but I felt a renewed strength. I was energized, and more alert and focused than I had been in days.

This past week had been a replay of my zombie days ten times over. I felt certain that I was a rarity in the mental health studies field. Lately, when I panicked, I spiraled out of control straight into an abyss. I had always been the one to hold it together when things fell apart. Now if I went out of my comfort zone I retreated to a place deep inside myself instead of dealing with the reality. Maybe that part of my brain was damaged. That would be a lovely handicap.

_Poor broken Bella. Well, she's got it easy. Now, she can just blame the crazy things she does on her brain damage. _

I made a pact with myself then and there, just outside my room, to never let "Broken Bella" into the house ever again. I looked at the closed bedroom door and wished I could see through the wood. If things looked safe, I would let myself in. No superman vision came to me, so I took a deep breath and swung the door back. It was dark.

"You can look, Bella. It's done. New bed. New sheets," Alice sounded pleased. "Open your eyes already."

_Oh. That would account for the darkness_. I peeked with one barely open eye and breathed a sigh of relief. _Whew. _Thank goodness-no, thank Alice, for a problem solved quickly. I wanted to move around. Maybe I would go downstairs and watch TV - anything but get back into bed. Those hopes were crushed when I didn't immediately climb back under the covers. Alice pointed to the bed and gave me a stern look. **"In. Now," **she ordered. I knew I was no match for both Edward's sisters, so I opted out of that fight. They were determined that bed was where I should be, even if it meant using force to get me there. I complied without much fuss. There wasn't any point arguing.

The mattress was not only newer, it was bigger than mine had been. Alice had managed to get the new frame, mattress, box springs and bedding all moved in, set up and my old bed out by the time it took me to enjoy a long soak in the tub. She was nothing, if not amazing; vampire business aside. She was an extraordinary friend and sister.

When I settled into the bed, and blankets I didn't need were tucked around me, I got the suspicious feeling that I had been in this bed before. Rosalie was standing by the window, looking back at me. She answered my question before I ever uttered a word.

"It's the one from Edward's room. He said he thought you would prefer not to have the original frame, so he left it at home. He'll have a new one delivered for it tomorrow." I didn't recognize the comforter. It looked new. That was why I didn't know it was _our_ bed.

Edward had read my mind without knowing it. I would sleep better knowing that only he and I had shared this bed. I tried not to cry when I thought about him having to think about _why_ I requested a new mattress. _I_ didn't want to think about it. Alice never said she had called Edward, but I should have guessed. Had he been able to get home in time he would have brought it himself, but he would be with Carlisle and Esme hunting for the rest of the day.

Edward had been hunting more than usual lately. I knew it was because he was fighting the urge to sink his teeth into a wolf - not to feed, just to maim-_or kill_. I didn't have to encourage him to leave me while he suppressed his thirst. As his hunger grew, his control waned so he didn't argue when I suggested he hunt as often as he needed. I had been sleeping so much lately, that I wasn't much company anyway. And the only chance of me getting into trouble was if the ceiling fell in on me. He would worry about me no matter what, but it must be a relief to know that I couldn't go far- what with being nearly comatose and having his sisters for watch dogs.

" Who brought it over?"

"Oh, Jasper and Emmett said to tell you 'hi', and Emmett said he would visit tomorrow if you gave him the okay." Rose's expression didn't reveal whether she liked the idea or not. My guess was that it didn't matter what she thought. If Emmett wanted to come see me, he would.

"You can thank the shopaholic for the comforter." Rosalie rolled her eyes and nodded sideways to Alice.

"What?" she threw at Rose. "It matches the curtains."

And it did. _How did she_...and then I remembered a day a month or so ago when she begged me to let her make over my drab little room. I told her it was fine, just the way it was. She must have seen that somewhere down the line I was going to change my mind and she had set some new things aside for the right moment. I was grateful for her visions once more. I just wish she could let me know if I was gonna keep up-chucking every time I got a little out of balance.

"I like them, Alice," she might respond to a little flattery. I looked to Rosalie who was still leaning with crossed arms against the wall. " And thanks, Rose for being here. I know you don't really want to be and you can go if you want, but I appreciate that you came."

Rosalie nodded and looked at the ground. I didn't know if she was accepting my thanks or confirming that she _did_ want to leave. When she made no move to exit the room I understood that she meant to stay. I knew almost certainly that she was doing this to humor Emmett. He had likely sent her in his stead.

I could only imagine what he thought of me now. He probably hated me for hurting Edward. Leaving before telling me 'hello' himself was his way of letting me know that I shouldn't expect him to forgive me too quickly. But if he was willing to see me, like Rose said, then maybe I was just being paranoid. I told Rose to tell him I wanted him to come. She said she would.

"Alice, can't you just bend the rules a little and let me sit in the rocking chair or something? I'm really not sleepy and I'm going to get bed sores if I don't get up soon. Either that or I'm going to die of boredom. I want to stand up, maybe walk around for a minute...please?" I tried to sound sweet, but it came out more like a whine.

"You heard what Charlie said," she answered stubbornly. I really needed to work on my buttering up skills.

I tried another approach instead. I could be just as stubborn as she was.

"Charlie's not a doctor is he? I'll bet if I called Carlisle, he would say it was a good idea for me to stretch and get moving," Alice just looked to Rosalie and Rose made for the door and was back in a second. She had a coffee mug in her hand. Something smelled good. It made my mouth water.

"Here," she handed me the mug, "drink this, it will help you rest. Carlisle left it in case you needed some help getting to sleep."

"Needed help? I feel like I've been in a coma for years. I'm not about to drug myself into oblivion again after I just came back to my senses." I folded my arms around me like and huffed like little kid.

"You never minded it before. Come on, Bella. Just drink it and get some rest. You'll feel better then and we'll talk, okay." Rosalie was pushier than Alice and they both knew how badly I wanted to make peace with Rose. _Sneaky bloodsuckers._

"What is it, anyway? Some kind of vampire tranquilizer?" I was getting annoyed with everyone trying to shut me down when I had no problem doing that on my own. "I can't believe you have been drugging me! Why would you do that?

I don't want it. I don't want to sleep anymore, " they stared at me wide eyed while I whipped the covers off and pushed them to the foot of the bed in a heap. I slid down from the big bed and took a shaky step. Even without the benefit of Carlisle's sleeping potion, I was beginning to feel drunk and disoriented.

Oh, God. Not again. The room was spinning and there was a bitter taste in my mouth. My insides cramped and I doubled over, falling to my knees.

"Uh..I'm gonna.." and I heaved, covering the floor with hot watery vomit.

Alice washed my face and lifted me back into bed. She had the mess cleaned in the time it would have taken a human to realize I had even gotten sick.

"...stubborn brat...if she would only listen to reason...," I heard Rosalie grumble to herself.

"Please drink the tea, sweetie," Alice pleaded, taking the cup from Rosalie and putting it to my lips. "This will make you feel better. Promise."

"If I drink this, will you promise me you'll call Edward? Tell him that I want him to stay with me tonight. Even if I'm asleep, I want him to be here."

I missed him terribly, but it was easier, in a way right now not to have to look in his eyes. I wasn't in denial about what happened. I just wasn't ready to face it head on yet. The time would come soon enough when I would have to open up to him about it and I had no idea what would come next. If I thought about it I would get anxious and that would upset my stomach again. I turned my thoughts to other things. I tried to remember what it was I had meant to ask Alice about after my bath.

"Sheesh, I'll call him now if it will get you to behave, and keep your stomach in check," Rosalie wrinkled her nose and smirked.

"Sorry," I grinned sheepishly at her disgust. Her heightened sense of smell made it hard for her to ignore the stench of sickness; though, Alice had scrubbed with the strongest detergent in the house. I only smelled pine, which made the nausea creep back. I didn't want to throw up any more than Rose wanted to endure the smell.

I took the cup from Alice and sipped it. The tea, or whatever it was, wasn't half bad. Actually, it was very good. It rinsed the bad taste from my mouth and the aroma was comforting. I still didn't want to sleep, but being unconscious was far better than being nauseous. I had only tasted a mouthful when the drowsiness set in. My eyelids were closing. My legs were already asleep and my arms were too heavy. I started to drift into a dreamless sleep.

"_Vampire tranquilizer? Hmph._ Carlisle only gives you the good drugs," I heard Rosalie's snicker echo. And then it was quiet.


	8. Chapter 8

Such a Fool

I hated leaving Bella alone. Although I knew Alice and Rosalie would look after her, I still worried. In my mind, if she wasn't with me, she was alone. As much as she hated the way I handled her, as I would a helpless child, she was exactly that -helpless. She could fall victim to so many bad things. Even without revenge seeking vampires, a volatile wolf pack, and the Volturi, Bella could find someway to endanger herself.

She could not help most of the things that happened to her. Trouble seemed to gravitate toward Bella. Although, there were times when she looked for it. And those times scared me. I had hurt her so much when I left that she began hearing voices. To clarify, she heard my voice when she was in danger. She so desperately wanted to be close to me that she played with fire every chance she got, just to hear her mind's creation of me beg her to be safe.

I secretly wished that I _could_ see her thoughts and she could hear mine. Then I might not mind being away from her as much. I could be the _real_ voice in her head, screaming at her to behave and warning her of danger.

Against my better judgment -and to appease Bella and my appetite, I left her with Alice and joined the others for a hunt. I knew how impatient Bella was and how much Alice liked to shop, so I suggested that they should have a shop 'til you drop weekend. I had suffered through hours of mind numbing trips to store after store, and I figured it would keep Bella from sitting home alone, moping. She would kill me if she knew it was all my idea. Fashion was not one of her top priorities, but she would humor Alice.

I convinced Carlisle that it would be best to take two cars, in case of an emergency. My true intention was to have an escape vehicle since there was a good chance that I would be unable to bear being away from Bella the whole weekend. Carlisle and I took my car. Jasper was more than happy to go with Emmett. The two of them worked well together. Emmett was usually in a good mood and so Jasper could relax and enjoy the trip.

I tried to reign in the worry and fear that were eating away at me, for my sake as well as Jasper's. It seemed unfair that his ability would cause him so much difficulty. Even if he appeased his appetite, the cravings of another would become his own. He dealt day in and day out with the turbulent emotions of everyone around him. It felt wrong to burden him with my distress right now, when he was still so very far from complete control.

We had been in the woods for half a day when a feeling of dread swept over me so fast that I fell to my knees dropping the mountain lion I had been so enjoying. My hands were trembling when I reached for my phone. I called Rosalie, because I didn't want Bella to know I was checking up on her. If Alice's phone rang, she would know it was me.

Rose answered on the first ring. "What?" she was irritated. Nothing new there.

"Is everyone alright?" I was so anxious I couldn't see what she was thinking.

Rosalie sighed loudly. "Yes, I suppose _everyone_ is just fine. Does your girlfriend plan on keeping pets when she joins the family, Edward? Because I don't think any of us would enjoy having a dog around." Typical Rose. What favors would she ask of me for torturing her with Alice and Bella?

"What did she do to you now, Rosalie? It seems like her evil side only surfaces when you're alone with the her. Maybe it's a reflection of how you feel about Bella. Did you ever consider that possibility?" No answer. She was thinking.

"Bella's trying really hard to make you like her, did you know that? She would do just about anything you asked to gain your favor. Even though I have told her repeatedly that it doesn't matter what you think."

"After all the trouble she has caused this family, Edward-" Rosalie snarled.

"After the trouble _you_ caused us, Rosalie, one would think _you_ would be the one desperately trying to please Bella. I nearly killed myself, Bella and Alice could have died as well, and those three deaths would have been no one's fault but your own." I was harder on her than I needed to be. Rose had been suffering inside since her call sent me seeking the Volturi in Italy. Hurting her feelings was of little consequence until I knew for sure that Bella was safe.

"I know...I can never apologize enough to make you see how deeply sorry I am for that, Edward." Rosalie's voice was solemn, saturated with regret.

"Forgiven, but not forgotten, Rosalie. So, you're all okay? And I take it Bella is not within earshot of you, otherwise there would have been some foul language thrown your direction. Where are she and Alice now?" She was right. It would be a very long road before I could even consider forgiving her for the damage she caused. If it hadn't been for my visit to Italy, the Volturi wouldn't be involved. There would be no pressing date to force Bella into a life she thought she wanted. I wanted her with me always, but still I didn't want Bella to suffer the way she would as she changed. _The way we all had. _

I had pushed the nagging thirst down for so long now, that I could go without feeding for longer than anyone, save Carlisle. Unfortunately, there was no way I could last forever without satisfying the urge to have my fill of hot, liquid life. No matter how much I wished for an escape, I would forever be chained to the blood lust that sustained my being.

I hated to think of her that way. Ravenous, and willing to rip her own father's throat out just to keep her demon satisfied for a few days. It was going to be difficult to watch her struggle through those first years. It was during that time when a new vampire is overwhelmed with changes that could easily drive them insane - or worse, leave them wild and on the constant hunt for their next victim. Not what I had pictured as the perfect honeymoon.

"She's fine. I'll call if we need you. Go hunt," and Rose snapped her phone shut. I was not comforted by the fact that Bella was alive and well. Something was wrong. I tried to tell myself I was worrying needlessly. I should follow Rose's advice and concentrate on why I wasn't with Bella.

The cat was useless now. A meal gone cold, wasted. The blood that stained my lips was sticky and no longer sweet. It tasted of death, not the life that I needed to fill the void within me.

I rounded up several smaller animals quickly. A buffet of wild things to be devoured, but not really enjoyed. Lost in thought while finishing the last of my endeavors, Carlisle took me by surprise.

"Well, I see your tastes have either changed, or you didn't have any luck finding your favorite."

"Actually, neither," I didn't want to tell him that I was paranoid. It was stupid, really, to think there was reason to even be worried.

"Then something's wrong. I don't need the whole weekend, Edward. By the looks of this little massacre I'd say you're pretty set yourself. Do you want to leave early? The others won't mind. They're all busy with their own pursuits."

Carlisle always knew when something didn't sit well with me.

"No, everything is fine. We should see if Emmett's found a suitable wrestling partner. I believe he and Jasper have a running bet on whose catch is biggest by weight," I didn't think Emmett would ever find a bear big enough to hope to match the sheer volume of Jasper's hunt. If I stepped back to get an outside perspective it was a very morbid thing...making light of the death we dealt.

I searched my memories until one stood out- of when we first came back to Forks a few short years ago. We hunted more often then, because Jasper found it easier to pretend he was a normal teenage high school student when he wasn't picturing his classmates as beverages. I imagined the struggle Bella would endure and it made me think of Esme.

_Esme enjoyed being outside and free from human constraints. When she was here in her natural element she was deadly. Such a complete mirror of the self she portrayed at home. Quite some time had passed since I had been out with her. Living with her day to day made it easy to forget how wild she was when the time came to hunt. She seldom showed any signs of weakness or thirst when even Carlisle and I began to falter._

_When she stepped out into the forest she became a force of nature. It was easy to tell how long it had been since she last tasted blood by the way she acted. On the day I had in mind it was clear that she was starving. She paid no mind to us when we approached her in the clearing. She was crouched down like a tiger about to pounce. From where I stood I could hear her growling, so strange coming from Esme who rarely spoke an angry word._

_A herd of deer were on the other side of the meadow, unaware of the danger close by. Esme was quick enough to have downed all of them if she wanted. Instead she picked out the largest and strongest and played with them before they met their end. I seldom chose the timid creatures. I wanted something to fight back. It made me feel better about taking life when it was the life of something dangerous. Esme looked at things differently._

_Carlisle sat down and leaned back against a stump. His eyes darted from Esme to the herd. She glanced over her shoulder at him and when her eyes met his, he smiled. Her face was void of emotion, but her thoughts were passionate. I tried not to listen to the ones she lingered over. They were chaotic and disturbing even after all the atrocities I had witnessed in my too long life. _

_This was Esme's way of getting back at fate. She played her role and made herself suitable in society. But here on the hunt, she was in charge and the laws of nature did not apply. The strongest would not survive. _

_She advanced, drawing closer to the largest of the does and stopped an inch from it's face. The animal's eyes bulged in terror and Esme growled sending the panicked herd rushing in every direction. _

_Before the doe could make it's escape, Esme seized it's hind legs and slung it onto the ground. She held it down and stared into it's eyes while it struggled to get free. In less time than it took to draw it's last breath Esme had rendered it unrecognizable. Shredded flesh covered the ground around her. Bones cracked as she took off, tackling the next biggest deer and ending it the same way. _

_I had witnessed this before. Otherwise, I would not have believed that the blood drenched form in front of me was Esme. Carlisle had said before that the females in many species were the most brutal. In vampires it was true more often than not. Esme was no exception...and Bella would likely be the same._

_She had sauntered back to us, reveling in the victory that came so easily. Carlisle took her hand and I watched them walk ahead of me back to where we were meeting the others. My mind raced back to the present and Forks. _

This was the future I would be giving Bella and she had no idea. The thought of her in Esme's gore covered clothes was laughable. She grew faint at the tiniest bit of blood. The new Bella would not be able to get enough of it. She wanted me, not an eternity of this twisted existence. Maybe if she saw the way Esme could be, she would reconsider what she was bound to become.

The sun was just rising in the sky when we met Emmett and Jasper. Emmett was in the middle of a tall tale about the one that got away, when the dread resurfaced. I attempted to shut off the anxiety that was building up in my chest. Jasper glared at me. He felt the apprehension I had been trying to bury with little success.

"Go. There's no point in waiting and wondering when you can leave now and know for sure," Jasper wasn't worried about Alice. She wasn't breakable like Bella was. "I hate feeling anxious."

"Sorry, Jasper. I just need to be near her. I hate feeling anxious, too." I didn't have to apologize to Jasper, but it was the right thing to do. He couldn't help feeling my trepidation and I couldn't make it stop.

Jasper and Carlisle exchanged a concerned look. "Mind if I join you?" Carlisle asked.

"No, but wouldn't you rather enjoy some free time?There's no point in leaving when you don't have to. I'm just going to go ruffle Bella's feathers by checking in on her," I didn't really think she would mind seeing me a little earlier than she expected.

"No, I miss Esme. She would have loved the rabbits I found this morning," Carlisle laughed. "_To look at -_I mean. Bunnies aren't exactly her style."

Emmett threatened to tell us every hunting story he could think of in excruciating detail if we didn't just go. Jasper sighed and waved us on. At least with Emmett he wouldn't receive many negative vibes, just excitement over who would win this weekend's bet, and most likely frustration when Jasper proved _he_ was the sure winner.

The drive home was taking forever. It felt like the road was stretching out longer ahead of me, growing two miles for every one I gained. When we were nearly home, Carlisle's phone rang in his pocket. "See," he said, "I was supposed to head home early, anyway. Esme wouldn't call now. It's got to be work." He flipped the phone open, "Dr. Cullen...Oh, Hi, what...we're on our way."

Carlisle's face fell and I read from his thoughts every word exchanged between he and Alice.

The hospital came flying into view before I knew how we got there. _Where was she? Alice had better hurry. If something happened to Bella...if she..._

Alice's car screeched to a halt at the ambulance bay. I grabbed the door handle and nearly yanked it off the hinges before Alice clambered out. Bella was unconscious...or dead. I couldn't tell which -she was so still and blue, too cold to be living. I crushed her against me and ran faster than I should have into the emergency room.

Carlisle whisked us into a room and nurses swarmed the tiny space. I didn't want to let her go, but Carlisle loosened my grip and took her from me. I couldn't move. I was in the way, but I couldn't tear myself from where I stood. The nurses were all thinking about death and what a shame it was that Chief Swan was losing his only child. _"__**At least she'll always be remembered young and beautiful**__" _an older, graying nurse thought and I fought to keep from breaking her neck.

Carlisle was moving faster than anyone in the room, doing more than his share of work. I never saw a nurse touch Bella for more than a second, when Carlisle would take over whatever she was doing. I heard Charlie before I saw him.

He was calling out Bella's name and bickering with the nurse at the registration desk about stupidity and the law and seeing his daughter right this very second.

Alice finally pulled him to the small waiting area and took his hand. I didn't listen to what she told him - what she said out loud or what really happened in her mind. I only heard "hypothermia" and "shower", by chance. Charlie was repeating everything that Alice said to him loud enough for the entire hospital to hear.

My world was dimming. I was facing an end to the only life that mattered to me. If Bella was dead, if she was dying, then I had no reason to go on. No promise I made to her before about seeking death would hold me. This time I would be sure she was gone, and then I would end the misery I felt forever.

I hated that I hadn't paid heed to my instincts earlier. If I had left the first time I sensed trouble, Bella would be in my arms now, not in death's grip. My eyes locked on the bed where she lay. I never blinked. Minutes sluggishly ticked by feeling like hours, when suddenly Bella's legs jerked.

Her toes were still blue. Everything about her was blue. The world came into focus again and I saw that she was naked, draped in a thin sheet -no, a shower curtain. I had not noticed before. She was beautiful. I looked away for the first time, because it wasn't decent of me to let my eyes linger on her bare body, dead or not.

Carlisle order the nurses to get blankets and I dared to look back at Bella's body. I couldn't be sure of what was real. The room was unfocused again, shaky-but then..._**Bella was shaking**_. She was trembling, shivering and her skin wasn't as blue as before.

I pierced through the chaos to pick Carlisle's brain. He looked up and sent me the message loud and clear.

_**Not dead...not good, but not dead. I'll do my best, but you need to decide now if you want to lose her this way, or if you want to fulfill her last wish, Edward. Once she's gone..she's gone.**_

The day dragged on and the night was endless. Bella's body temperature was slow to rise. Carlisle said that could be a good thing, preserving the internal organs and preventing shock from setting in. It could also be a death sentence. If her core temperature didn't stabilize and maintain itself, it meant she would slip into a coma and die. Not a horrible way to go, but no death was suitable for Bella. If it came down to the wire, before it was too close, I would do for Bella what she had asked of me. I would make her mine for eternity and leave Forks for good.

Bella would grieve for her family and friends, but at least she would have the chance to grieve. I would not let her be bound in a satin lined box and lowered into the cold ground.

When she was moved into the ICU, Carlisle allowed Charlie and I to stay with her. He himself never left her side other than to gather test results and return. Charlie dozed off as the sun came up and I finally went to find Alice. Carlisle assured me that she was out of the woods and he would keep an eye on her.

Alice was in the hallway, just beyond the critical care unit doors. Her arms were folded across her chest and she was staring out into the sky. "I'm glad she's okay." She didn't look at me.

"What the hell happened, Alice? Where were you and where the hell's Rosalie?" I shoved my hands deep into my pockets to keep from tightening them around Alice's neck. As much as I loved my sweet sister, I could kill her for allowing something to hurt Bella.

"I don't know where Rosalie is. I called her a dozen times, but she isn't answering her phone. I don't think she had anything to do with this, Edward. If that's what you're thinking. I would know. I would have seen it." Alice was almost as upset as I was. She loved Bella more than a sister. She was closer to her than Rosalie or even Esme. And I was accusing her of allowing Bella to get hurt.

"Would you, Alice? Did you see something happening to her tonight? Where were you and why didn't you stop it?

Alice shook her head and started to answer, but I cut her off short.

"I'm sorry, Alice, but I'm trying to understand how this could happen, when you were supposed to be watching her. You said you wouldn't let her out of your sight, but you must have. How could she have frozen nearly to death in warm weather with you there, Alice? Please explain that to me."

I was so angry that it took all my concentration to understand what Alice was saying. I didn't even catch the part about how Bella had wound up at Charlie's instead of our bed where she belonged. Alice said that she drove home and spoke with Esme and Rosalie for a while and then went back after she thought Bella had enough time to fall asleep.

She had let herself in the front door and propped up in Charlie's chair to watch some muted TV. Rosalie was supposed to come by later and keep watch outside.

"I guess Rose figured that everything had been quiet lately and it was a waste of time. I don't think she ever showed up. I never saw her leave the house and when I spoke to Esme a little while ago she said that Rosalie never left her until after she got a call from Emmett saying you two were on your way home." Alice was talking so fast, even I had a hard time making it all out.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I feel like I'm responsible. I had a vision of Charlie in an accident and I went to try to stop it. I only planned on being gone for a few minutes. Charlie was patrolling and there was a stalled car someone had abandoned right in the road in a blind curve. They must have been drunk or something, because they hadn't even tried to push it to the side or anything-they just left it there. I saw Charlie hit it, Edward, and he didn't survive. I moved it out of the way and waited for him to pass by.

I assumed he was on his way home. His shift was over, so I...I went to give Rose a piece of my mind. I thought Charlie was going home! He must have decided to work a double. He didn't know Bella was home. Oh, God, I'm so sorry! It's my fault. I left her and...when I didn't find Rosalie by daylight, I figured she must have left to meet Emmett to hunt the rest of the day.

I didn't see anything _happen_ to Bella all night. All I saw was her in bed dreaming of you, which was more than I needed to see. She was fine. It was morning when the bad visions came. All I saw then were flashes of her crying and her room and the bed was empty. At first I thought she was having a nightmare of you leaving and I was on my way there when...when I saw her in the tub. God, Edward, I thought she had slit her wrists or something, but I didn't see any blood. I don't KNOW what happened. I just got there as fast as I could and found her in the shower unconscious and the water was freezing. "

"But you didn't see anything before that? Only Bella sleeping...and dreaming?" It didn't make any sense. Why would she be crying?

"She wouldn't do that to herself on purpose, Alice. How did she wind up in the tub in cold water? That's a stupid way to kill yourself and she wouldn't do that anyway. She had no reason to even think about that. It must have been an accident."

"Edward...I didn't see anything." Alice's expression was wild.

"I know, Alice. It's not your fault. I under-"

"NO. I didn't _see anything_. I only saw Bella, but... but what if I wasn't seeing a dream, Edward? What if I didn't see, because I _couldn't_ see? If something was making it impossible to see?" Alice was nervous. I didn't understand. What did she...

"**NO**! She wouldn't, Alice!"

"_She_ wouldn't, Edward. But would _he_?"

I was gone before Alice could stop me. I heard her scream for Carlisle as I flew out the doors. I would go through him if he got in my way.

I wasn't thinking anymore. I was moving on pure instinct. Charlie's house was empty and dark. The front door was open from when Alice found Bella. Downstairs everything looked normal. I ran up to Bella's room and the scent hit me.

I braced myself against the wall. I couldn't look at her bed. _This was not real_. But then I saw the torn shirt lying in the floor. I picked it up and there was proof enough. Jacob and Bella's scents mingled together. I was sick.

I wouldn't control myself this time, not for Bella's sake or anyone else's. An army of wolves wouldn't stop me. Jacob Black was going to die.


	9. Chapter 9

**A Difficult Conversation**

_**BPOV**_

The "good drugs" Carlisle had left for me worked like a charm -one I would rather not have had to endure, but like a charm just the same. When I came to, a hand brushed my hair from my face. It was a gesture I had come to expect from Edward.

"Hmmm. I'm so glad you're here," I mumbled before my mind had a chance to focus.

Edward didn't respond. Instead someone tickled the soles of my feet and I jumped, throwing a foot up involuntarily.

"You sure know how to make a guy feel welcome. Do you always karate kick the people who love you?," Emmett's booming laughter caught me off guard.

"Hey! I _am_ glad to see _you_," I pulled the covers up under my chin and hoped that I was slightly presentable. "I didn't know if Rose was serious about you visiting or not. Is she here, too?"

Edward, who had been sitting quietly beside me leaned down and planted a kiss on my forehead. "No. Rose felt it would be better if you two got to talk alone for a while. Don't tell her I said so, but I think she's just a tad jealous that Emmett likes you so much."

"Well, what's not to like about Bella, brother? You know first hand that she's a riot to have around. Plus, if I had to pick a new little sister, I _most likely _would consider her before anyone else," Emmett winked at me and I couldn't help but smile back.

"Gee, thanks, I think," I frowned at Emmett and he sat down on my other side. I was amazed that the big bed held us all off the ground. Emmett pulled me against his side and squeezed me gently, apparently warned already that I was more fragile than normal.

"I'm...well, I'm glad you're okay, kiddo. You had me worried there for like half a second." Emmett's smile was genuine, but there was something in his voice and eyes that betrayed some real fear. I had never seen Emmett afraid of anything before and that in turn scared me.

"Really, thank you, Emmett. I've missed seeing you. I'm glad you came." I realized that I must be monstrous to look at. I surely had bed head to say the least. "Sorry, I look like Frankenstein's bride, but Alice hasn't felt the need to turn me into a human Barbie lately."

"You're beautiful as always, so don't worry about it," Edward kissed my cheek and a chill rippled down my spine.

I felt warmed by his cool lips. Nothing felt better than to have him near me and know that he loved me still. There was so much we had not yet discussed, but the worry had subsided. I wondered silently if the drugged tea had anything to do with it.

Emmett and Edward shared a short glance and Edward nodded. He cupped my chin in his hand and turned my face toward his. "Emmett wants to talk to you alone. I'll just be downstairs, if you need me. Don't let him get you to riled up, okay? You still need your rest."

I grimaced at the word rest. Edward groaned, "I know. I would much rather have you conscious and walking, but that's out of my hands just now. Another few days and you should be ready to get up on your own."

"A few days? Are you kidding?" I was not planning on having any more "tea" for a long time. So, unless he and Emmett stapled me to the floor, I would be up and about as soon as I could get a second alone. "I don't think I can stand to be trapped in here for another few _hours_. I'll go insane-sleeping or not."

"I'll call Carlisle while you two talk...but I seriously doubt that he'll cave to your persistent whining," he grinned and turned to the door.

"Just try not to puke on Emmett while I'm gone. He did ride over with me and I don't think he'd be willing to run home covered in vomit," Edward laughed as he slipped down the stairs.

I turned to Emmett who sighed heavily. The seriousness of his expression was comical. When I laughed lightly he smiled and pulled me into his massive embrace. "Bella, I really was worried about you. I'm sorry that we haven't talked before now, but the girls wouldn't let me near you. Alice is persistent, you know. Rose even threatened to break both my arms...although, she does that once or twice a day anyhow." His smile had warmed some, but the worry still distorted his normal jovial expression.

"I'm fine, Emmett. Or I would be, if I could convince your brother and Carlisle to let me unglue myself from this bed more than five minutes at a time. If anything, staying here cooped up like this -and drugged out- has me completely confused . I'm not even sure what day it is," I confessed.

Emmett's expression went from slightly concerned to grave. "Bella, they haven't told you much, have they?"

"I'm not sure what you mean," and I didn't. I had been out of it, more than_ in _over the last few days. The one conversation with anyone I could clearly remember was with Edward a few days before. We hadn't said much. He tactfully dodged every question I asked him about why everyone was treating me like an invalid.

Emmett squirmed away from me a bit. He suddenly looked very uncomfortable.

"Emmett, can I ask you something...without offending you?" I wondered all of a sudden why Emmett would want to talk with me alone. We had never been alone like this and I had no idea why he would need such privacy.

His eyes didn't meet mine, "Sure, Bella. You won't hurt my feelings. Ask away."

"Why did _you_ want to talk to me? _Alone_?"

Emmett frowned. He looked up at me and when his eyes met mine I instantly wanted to cry. His face melted into a gentle smile that I recognized immediately as one of pity. I just didn't know what I was being pitied for.

"You know about the bear, and that Rosalie found me, right?" Emmett was nodding in agreement with his statement. He knew that Edward had told me how he became a vampire.

"Did you know I had sisters? Before, I mean. When I was human."

"I'm not sure. Maybe. Everything's still just a little fuzzy," I was beginning to panic. Why would Emmett be the one to tell me something that was evidently too hard for Edward to say to me? "You all act like I'm dying or something, Emmett. What's with the story telling?"

"I'm getting to that, okay? Calm down," Emmett's huge grin returned. "You're not dying, first of all. I mean, do you really think if that was the case, Edward would let you lie here suffering, rather than have you all to himself somewhere. Sometimes I wonder how much of your brain actually functions, Bella Swan."

"Be nice, Emmett," Edward called from downstairs and Emmett chuckled.

He sounded close -probably at the foot of the stairs. He didn't lie about sticking around. He must be listening to everything. So, why wasn't he upstairs with us? None of it made any sense.

"Well, tell me what you have to say. I don't know how long I have before Dr. Sleepytime will insist that I need more confounded rest," I was secretly testing out my leg muscles under the sheet. I wanted to see if I was strong enough to put up a fight, should Edward return with a hot cup of tea.

"Right before Rosalie found me I had been at home with my younger sister, Ivy, watching her life slip away. I held her while she drew her last breath. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her empty eyes staring back at me, so I ran as far into the woods as I could.

I met the bear and before I could stop myself, I was landing punches into it's big body," he smiled, remembering. "I didn't care that the thing was twice my size. It was something alive and not helpless. Something I could take out all my aggression on without caring which one of us got the worst of it. I was wishing for death. It didn't matter to me if this was how it came to claim me."

I was stunned. "I'm sorry, Emmett. I didn't realize...but I still don't understand what _that_ has to do with _me_-here and now."

"The way she died, Bella. That's why Edward wanted me to talk to you. Because I've seen first hand the consequences of people's actions. I've been right here before, in nearly this exact same situation. You remind me so much of her. I never realized how much until all this happened," he paused briefly and took my hands into his.

"She didn't look anything like you, but she was just about as clumsy," he was smiling and staring beyond me into the memories of his little sister.

"So, she had an accident?" My question brought him back to the present.

"What? No, she...well...no, not exactly. I was just remembering how much she acted like you. She was pretty bull-headed, too," he leaned into my shoulder.

"What happened to her Emmett?" I needed to know now. What was the connection between his sister's death and what was wrong with me. I knew why I ended up in the hospital. I knew for sure that I nearly died, but I hadn't. Most of all I knew that the "incident" wasn't just some figment of my imagination. I slept with Jacob and I stupidly overreacted, as usual and nearly killed myself -also not a shock. I still couldn't make any connection between Emmett's story and mine. I wished he would just spit it out.

"She bled to death," was all he said.

"Not good enough, Emmett. If you're here to clear things up for me, then you'd better give me more rational ideas to work with. Stop being cryptic like everybody else. Be my friend, for real, and tell me what the hell's going on." Tears of anger and frustration began to form in my eyes.

Emmett sighed and continued, "She had been fighting with me, arguing over a stupid mistake she had made. I was being so mean to her, but that's getting too far ahead-

She was engaged to a friend of mine, Jonah. A guy I had known my entire life. I was all up for that. He was a lot like me, so I couldn't imagine a better brother-in-law. They were sickening to watch. Lovey-dovey all the time -kind of like you and Edward," he poked me in the ribs.

"There shouldn't have been any complications with her relationship with Jonah, but there was. She had a friend that had she been close to all of her life. His name was Michael." I had a feeling that Emmett's "Jonah and Michael" were comparisons for my "Edward and Jacob". Where was this headed?

"They were born on the same day, and our mothers had been close since childhood. My parents had taken him in when he was little, after his mother had died. I always thought of him as her twin because they were so much alike. It was easy to think of him that way, until the year they turned sixteen. Then it became clear that _they _didn't think of each other as siblings. My parents chose to ignore it, but I watched them closely. I didn't like the idea of them being together that way.

Within a year, when they turned seventeen, she had fallen for Jonah. I thought Michael was going to kill himself when she told him that she had a beau. He didn't speak to her for a month, which pleased me enough. After another month or so, things cooled between them and Michael started flirting with her again. I wanted to break his neck, but I knew Jonah would be the better guy for the job. The worst part was that Ivy flirted right back.

Here they were, living under the same roof -practically brother and sister- acting this way. I confronted Ivy one day when Michael was out with my father. She told me that it was none of my business what she did. I argued that she shouldn't treat Jonah that way. It wasn't fair to him. I told her that she needed to choose.

Then she yelled at me, Bella, and her words struck me harder than any fist I'd ever felt. She told me that she didn't know she had a choice until it was too late. I sat down quietly with her long enough for her to explain.

She and Jonah had been in an argument about where they would live after the wedding. He wanted to move away and she didn't. She left him crying, convinced that they would never work things out. She ran straight to Michael, forgetting that he wasn't speaking to her. When he saw her, he forgotten that fact, too. He comforted her and things got out of hand.

By the time she found out she was pregnant, weeks had passed and Jonah had come back begging her not to leave him. She confessed to him her sins and how guilty she felt about what she had done. She even told him that she was carrying Michael's child. He forgave her. For some mystical reason I could never comprehend, he forgave her. He told her that he would raise the baby as his own and that the past didn't matter.

They had moved up the wedding and he promised her she could live where ever she wanted. She was ecstatic. Ivy made peace with herself and told Jonah that she would gladly follow him wherever he wanted to go. Things might have worked out fine, except she was forgetting a key player in the whole drama -Michael.

See, she loved them both, Bella. But she loved Jonah more. I was furious with her for being so stupid. I was ready to kill Michael and I wanted to tell Jonah to find himself someone he deserved. Ivy tried to make me understand that things would work out. She said that Jonah loved her no matter what and that he still wanted her for his wife. I didn't hear any sense in all of it. They were all being so stupid.

She had not yet told Michael. I pointed out the fact that he at least deserved to know that she was pregnant. He wouldn't want to let her go without a fight. I hoped he came back soon. I was prepared to tell him myself and hopefully show Ivy the full extent of her ignorance. I loved her so much, but this was tearing me apart. People were going to call her a whore. Our parents would be devastated.

I was pushing past her to get out of the house and as far away from her as possible. She begged me to stay with her until Michael came home. She said that I was the only one in the family who ever understood her. But I didn't understand this. I didn't want any part of it. I shoved her out of my way and she fell down to the floor.

That's when it happened. I was halfway out the door when she screamed. At first, I thought she was being overly dramatic about the way I had acted. I only turned around to tell her off. When I saw the blood, I knew something was horribly wrong.

I rushed back to her, but I couldn't get her to stop screaming. We were the only ones there. My mother and other sisters had gone into town and wouldn't be back for hours. Michael and my father were hunting and I didn't expect to see them for a few days. Jonah was too far to reach.

I did everything I knew how, but I wasn't much help to her. It wasn't enough. She lost the baby. For a while she seemed physically okay. Her screaming gave way to sobs and then she fell asleep.

I cleaned her up as best I could and put her to bed. I thought she was sleeping when I checked on her the next time. When I crouched down beside her I noticed that her lips were blue. She was cold to the touch and she was barely breathing. The sheets were soaked with blood. I shook her and did my best to wake her. She opened her eyes one final time, and looked right at me. "Now you can be happy," that's the last thing she said to me. With her last breath she had knocked the life out of me as well."

Emmett stood up as he finished and walked toward the window. "I couldn't protect her from herself, Bella. Or anything else for that matter. I watched her play her stupid little love games and I watched her die because of them."

I don't know when the tears started falling. Ivy's story was sad, but that wasn't what was hurting me so much. I knew what was wrong now. How could I have been so stupid, so ignorant of what was happening to me. I felt sick. The room was spinning. I choked back the tears and wrapped my arms around myself. I would not throw up. I would not go back to sleep. The time to deal with this was here. I wanted Edward.

Emmett saw me crying and was back beside me at vampire speed. It was as if he'd never moved. "Edward wanted me to tell you, because he couldn't. Seeing you upset might just be enough for him to lash out at Jake again, and he knows that you don't want that. Carlisle wanted to tell you days ago, but Edward stopped him. He thought Jacob should know before he came to see you."

"What?" My voice was so drowned in snot and tears I could barely get the words out. "Jacob? Edward has spoken to Jacob?"

"Several times actually. He left the hospital to find Jacob -and kill him, but the rest of us got there first. Alice let us know what was going on...and then she had the vision-" He trailed off when he saw my expression.

"He what? Is Jake okay? EDWARD?" I couldn't handle more death and drama today, but I wanted to talk to Edward and I as badly as I dreaded it -I needed to see Jacob.

"Calm down, Bella, please. I didn't mean to get you so upset. I just thought it was unfair for you to be in the dark for so long. They both are fine. Jake has been here already. Edward will only let him see you while you're sleeping," Emmett grinned as if that was funny.

"So he knows?" I didn't know what to feel. Should I be relieved that I didn't have to be the one to break the news to him?

"Oh, my God! Charlie. Does he know? Renee? It was bad enough when I thought they knew I...oh, God! Does everyone know?"

Edward rushed up the stairs so fast that I hadn't even seen him. "Shh. Calm down. Charlie only knows that you need to rest by orders of Dr. Cullen. He thinks you fell in the shower and the cold water sent you into shock. He was pretty easy to fool. Esme convinced him not to alarm Renee. She doesn't know anything is wrong. Alice has been replying to her emails for you." He stalled for a moment. "And the do- I mean Jacob. Yes, he knows. Would you have wanted me to keep it from him?" He looked concerned that I might have tried to hide this from Jake.

"No," I sobbed. What else was there to say?

"It will all be alright, Bella," Edward pulled me close to him and I didn't struggle to get away. I wanted him to comfort me. It meant that he didn't completely loathe me. "We were all just concerned about you. There are other factors involved that make you more delicate than you otherwise would be."

I didn't understand. Was he explaining the reason that I had been a prisoner in my own home for...how long had it been now? Two weeks? Longer?

"What do you mean," I sniffed, "_other factors_?"


	10. Chapter 10

_**Back to Doubts**_

**_Edward's POV_**

**_A/N: back to when Edward leaves the hospital in a rage -intending to find and destroy Jacob. this takes place before the previous chapter._**

****

The street was a blur as I sped faster than a human would dare over the few short curvy miles that joined Forks to La Push. Boundaries, treaties, enemies -those words meant nothing to me. Someone would cease to exist in a short matter of time and that someone was Jacob Black. It did not matter to me that he had been a dear friend to Bella. He had taken chances with her that I could not allow. He had crossed boundaries that I had fought so hard to maintain. Her innocence was gone.

The desire to spill the dog's blood grew exponentially as I came closer to where he was. I could feel my hands at his throat already. I imagined the steady thrum of his heart slowing until it beat no more. The anticipation was almost too much to bear. I would revel in his death. Consequences be damned.

Screams of profanity and feral growls dug their way into my thoughts. The wolves were not waiting for me to come to them. They were already aware of my impending arrival and they had taken to the woods. So, the border did nothing to stop them this time either. I wondered how long it would take for them to finally overcome me. With the rage I felt building in me now, I was almost positive I could take down more than half the pack before I succumbed to their razor sharp teeth and claws. I smiled at the challenge.

Damn him. If I was making my way to hell today, I would make sure that it was with Jacob Black in my clutches. We would make a fine pair to add to the devil's collection of lost souls. Eternal fire was not something I feared. I was already suffering more than I ever had. My Bella, my precious delicate Bella, was lying in a hospital all because of that mongrel. For whatever reason, he had deemed it necessary to go to her and hurt her one last time. I would make sure it was the last pain he ever caused her.

**"EDWARD! STOP!" **

Alice's voice rang out like a bell in my head. I swerved, nearly hitting an oncoming logging truck head-on. _Not now, Alice. _How in the hell had she caught up to me so fast?

Headlights flashed off and on in my rear view mirror. Alice's car was riding my bumper. I thought momentarily about hitting my brakes, but decided I did not need an "accident" slowing me down.

**"Don't do this, Brother."**

**"Now is not the time."**

_Emmett_ and _Jasper_? They couldn't be with Alice. There would not have been time for them to reach her at the hospital. They must be running and they were close. Their voices were strong.

I was not going to be stopped by anyone, including my family. With the accelerator pushed down, completely flush with the floorboard, I outran Alice. Her headlights faded and as I rounded a curve they dimmed and vanished. I slammed on the brakes and hit the ground running before the car came to a complete stop. I had not gone far before something shot out from behind a tree and knocked me down. I was so startled that I lay still on the ground for a full minute before I recognized Esme's smooth, steady voice.

"This is wrong, Edward. You need to listen to me before you run head-long into a disaster. Alice has been trying to reach you," Esme placed a gentle but firm hand on my chest and held me down. She wielded amazing strength even for a vampire when she put her mind to it.

"Leave. Me. Alone," I growled through clenched teeth. "This is not your decision to make, _Mom_."

A hand as hard as a steel bar struck my face. "Stop now, Edward or you will regret ever being born the first time."

Esme's eyes were darker than I had ever seen them. They reflected no light at all. She stood stone still above me. I could have overpowered her, but she was adamant about making me listen to reason. I allowed myself to be bullied by her for a second longer.

She removed her hand from my chest and crouched down beside me. I lay unmoving while she continued with her prepared speech.

"Alice had a vision, Edward. Bella is going to need you..._and_ Jacob. She will never forgive you if you go through with what you are planning."

"What does it matter now, Esme? After what he did to her-"

"After what they did _together_, Edward," Esme's eyes softened now. She drew closer to me and ran her hand down my arm lovingly. She guided me to a sitting position, as a mother would help her child up after a tantrum.

"Are you accusing Bella of-"

"Edward, listen to what I'm telling you. Alice saw it," Esme's voice seemed to drift far away with the wind that now stirred the leaves in the trees above us. "It wasn't clear before, but just as you left the hospital the whole picture came into focus for her.

"What, Esme? What are you saying? Bella willingly took _him_ into her bed? That would be cause enough for her to want to die, but she would never do that!" I was mortified by the thought of Bella making love to Jacob. He forced her. That was the only explanation.

"I know what you're thinking. That's just not true, Edward, and you know it. He loves her. Maybe just as much as you do," Esme sighed and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "Jasper has spoken with Jacob already," she whispered.

"He did _what_?" How dare they interfere in this way. Jasper, the very one of us who could instigate a war by discreetly planting hate in his enemy's heart, had crossed into Quilluete territory and spoke with the leader of their pack? The one soul I loathed more than my own? To what end? Not peace. Not with me, ever.

"Jasper felt he was better suited than Emmett to speak with Jacob. You know that Emmett would rather act first and think about it later."

I could not find the words to express the emotion I was feeling at that moment. I hoped Jasper showed up soon. Perhaps he would choke on it.

"Edward, she didn't mean to. She thought it was you," Esme would have blushed if it were possible.

"And the dog? Did he sleepwalk into her room on the one night I happen to be far enough away to be unable to protect her?" I was going to tear him apart.

"No. He was coming to tell her that he was glad she was happy...with you."

"And he just happened to volunteer all this information to Jasper? Just now?" If this was all a ploy to keep me from ripping Black to shreds, there would be hell to pay.

"No. Jasper left with Emmett just after you. Alice called them right after she spoke to Carlisle. Emmett came to the house to find Rose and I. Jasper went directly to Jacob's father's house to speak to him. Jasper said that Jacob was in shambles. He said that he had never felt such sorrow and remorse in all of his life."

"I don't believe you." But deep down something told me it was the truth.

"Go back to Bella, Edward. That's the only place you need to be right now. Jasper wants to speak to you, when you will agree to see him."

How could I look at her when I knew that she had been with _him_? It cut me to the core to think about him raping her. But this? I didn't know what I was feeling. I would never stop loving her. But would she feel the same way about me if she could see my doubt of her love? My Bella would not betray what we shared. Soul mates did not cross each other out of their hearts so easily.

Bella had lots of accidents. Some hurt others just as much as they hurt her. I hoped this could all be blamed on an accident. If she loved him...If she chose him instead of me...but then why would she react the way she had?

No. There was proof. Alice had thought she had seen Bella having a nightmare. It had not been a mere dream. Bella had suddenly realized what she had done, and she panicked. She panicked because it was not me who shared her bed. She loved me. I loved her. And that was all that mattered.

I repeated that over and over to myself -sometimes out loud- all the way back to the hospital. If I kept saying it, maybe it would be true.


	11. Chapter 11

_**It Will Be Alright**_

**Bella's POV**

(A/N: _Picks up from Bella's conversation with Edward-after Emmett has told her the story about his sister.)_

I dried my eyes on the sheets that were gathered in my fists, pulled up to my chin. As I sat between Edward and Emmett on my bed -the one that belonged only to myself and Edward- the words all began to sink in.

_It will be alright, Bella. _Those were Edward's words. I pinched myself hard enough to leave a bruise. Nope. Not dreaming. Damn!

The gears began to grind as I processed the bits and pieces of conscious memory I could recall since I had nearly frozen myself to death in the shower. I had sex with Jacob. It never crossed my mind to think if he had used protection. Jeez, I was too freaked out by the fact that it had even happened. My boyfriend was a morally plagued vampire and I was a virgin, so of course I didn't use any daily form of birth control. Oh, God! This couldn't be true.

Okay. Be rational, Bella. If you're not dreaming, then the next logical thought is...you're pregnant. **NO! NO! NO! **I wouldn't believe that. It happened once. _**Once! **_

Hallucinating. Yeah, that was it. Carlisle must have given me too much of whatever it was he was using to keep me sedated. It was a waking dream -a delusion.

"Bella? Are you listening to me?" That velvety voice of an angel that I knew so well was calling to me. Edward was cupping my face in both hands and staring into my eyes.

I laughed. "Why do you always appear to me when I'm half-crazy or dreaming?"

"Bella, you're not asleep," Edward looked puzzled.

"No, I know that. I'm delusional," I laughed harder. I felt drugged and giddy. This was the stupidest thing my brain had cranked out yet. Pregnant! Ha!

Edward shook me hard. I knew then that I was right about seeing things, because Edward had never been that rough with me intentionally.

"Bella, snap out of it," Edward's sweet voice jarred me. It was too loud. Crap. It was real. I wasn't dreaming or having overdose hallucinations. Emmett and Edward were really in my room. And I was preg- No. I couldn't be. -But I was. Wasn't I? My stomach flipped.

"Trash can! Now!"

Emmett disappeared and reappeared an instant later with the huge kitchen trash can. Edward held me and kept my hair out of my face as I hurled hot vomit into the bag. At least I hit a container this time.

"It's okay. You'll feel better now," Emmett patted the back of my head and I puked again. "Uh, Edward...I think I'll wait downstairs 'til she's finished."

I couldn't blame Emmett. I wished I could get away from the smell. Every time I caught my breath, the stench hit me and I heaved until there was nothing left to throw up.

Edward zipped downstairs to dispose of the trash can's contents when I finally assured him I wasn't going to be sick again. I heard him speak with Emmett, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. Edward returned with a warm damp cloth so that I could wash my face.

"I think I'm going to need more than a human moment. Maybe a few human hours would allow me to become presentable again," I leaned back into Edward's chest. He was sitting slightly behind me on the bed. His hard flesh didn't give the way a pillow would, but I found that he was more comfortable than any fluff.

I didn't think I had any more tears to cry. In fact, I was probably dehydrated from all the purging. I closed my eyes and blurted out the first thing that came to my mind.

"I guess we need to talk."

"Yes, I suppose we do. Are you sure you're up to it?" Edward's hands combed through my hair gently and he rested his cheek against the crown of my head. "We can always talk later if-"

"No, I'm fine," I laughed at how funny that sounded. Fine.

I was not fine. I was miserable and heartbroken and scared.

"I want to talk about it now, before I lose the courage."

"I love you, Bella. So, stop worrying about that much, at least." He tightened his arms around me and I sighed. This was too easy. He was too good to me. I didn't deserve that. All of this was my fault and now he was suffering for my stupid mistake.

"You shouldn't love me, Edward. God only knows how much I want you to, but...after what I've done..." the tears came after all. They burned my cheeks with their warmth.

"I broke so many promises to you. I didn't mean to, not really. But it doesn't matter if I did it intentionally or not. I had sex with someone else. Now I'm paying the price, but it doesn't seem great enough."

"Why are you still here with me?" I would die if he left me again. Like a rose withers after it has been severed from the brier, I would fade and die.

"I will never leave you again. You have to much to live for to think about dying, so stop it."

Always my hero, Edward would deny my part in this for as long as I let him. "You don't deserve someone as horrible as me."

"I'm not a hero, Bella. And I know every detail of what happened. You don't need to dredge through it all again if you don't want to." Edward tightened his arms around me.

Wait? What had he just said?

_I love you more than I could ever say, Edward. You deserve better than me. I'm nothing._

"I do know, Bella. I feel the same way, but you are wrong. You're everything to me."

"You just read my thoughts!" I pulled out of his arms and rolled onto my knees so that I would be facing him. The shock must have shown on my face. Edward smiled.

"I'll try not to, if it bothers you."

"But...how? Since when?"

"One of the "factors" I mentioned before. I suppose it's because of your connection to the baby," Edward's smiled dissolved at the word _baby_.

"Is this true? Is it all happening?" My stomach rolled again as Edward nodded. The sickening smell began to grow strong again. I closed my eyes, hoping to keep the room from spinning. Edward pulled me to him and I put my head on his shoulder and nuzzled into his neck. Ugh! The smell was getting worse. I pushed away from him and gagged. I must have gotten vomit in my hair -or worse, on him.

Edward chuckled slightly, "Sorry about that. I keep forgetting. Would you like to rest now." He pushed himself up off the bed and moved toward the door. "Emmett has your tea ready."

"What? No!" No more tea for me. How was I ever going to find any normalcy when I was sleeping my life away?

"No more tea. I just want to talk to you. Please don't go," I whined.

"If I get too close, it will just upset your stomach again. You don't want that, do you?" He sounded amused, though his expression was serious.

"What are you talking about?"

"That's part of the reason for the tea. This dose won't put you out. I promise. It will just dull your senses a bit, so that I don't smell so repulsive to you." He started out the door.

"Wait! What? You don't stink. It's just from when I was sick before." I couldn't be sure if he would lie to me about the tea. Edward always smelled delicious to me. I couldn't believe that he would ever be offensive.

"Hmm. We'll see about that," he stepped back into the room and with each step he took closer to me, the more the foul odor grew stronger.

"I think it's on your clothes," I nearly gagged. "Sorry."

"It's not my clothes, Honey. It's me. That's just one more plus to carrying the Pup's pup. I offend the baby's senses, so I offend yours."

_The Pup's pup_. That was cruel. Was he actually throwing it up in my face? Good. Fighting would make me feel much better than sleeping would.

My blood began to boil. I was getting so hot. Maybe I had a fever.


	12. Chapter 12

**_(this is a work of fanfiction by redrosefell...none of the characters herein belong to me, however hard I may wish that they did. Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse as well as all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. -May she be blessed with ideas for other Twilight sequels for a very long time!)_**

**_The Body's REBELLION_**

So this was how it was going to be. Fine with me. I could fire sarcasm and hateful remarks just as well as anyone.

"_Pup's pup?_ That would sting, if it were a little more original," I mumbled loud enough for Edward to hear, though I didn't need to say anything out loud anymore. I would just think lots of nasty thoughts and he would catch them all, until he decided to block me out.

"I'm sorry, Bella," and he did look remorseful,"but this is hard for me to adjust to. I will do my best to keep my thoughts to myself when it comes to Jacob...and the baby. Okay?"

"No, it's not _okay_," I glared at him. "I don't want you to hide things from me. Say what you feel. If you don't, you'll resent me for all the things you don't get off your chest. I thought we had just made all that clear to each other." My eyes clouded with tears that I wiped dry while Edward was looking away from me. "You do still really love me, don't you? Or was that just a lie to keep me calm?"

Edward stiffened against the door frame and when his eyes met mine they glistened like two beautiful topaz jewels. "Bella, if I could grant you the ability to see all my thoughts, I would. Since that isn't possible you will just have to take me at my word. I love you. It isn't complicated." He sighed and looked out the window. "Right now that's the only thing that isn't."

I didn't now how to respond. What was wrong with me? With us? I had no desire to hurt him any further, but something akin to instinct was pushing me to antagonize him further. I wanted to fight. My skin felt like it was on fire.

I threw back the covers and slid down from the bed. Edward jumped towards me ready to catch me before I hit the ground. My feet touched the floor and I was steady on them for the first time in a long time. Edward stopped a foot from where I stood and we looked at each other. The smell hit me and I grabbed my stomach and wrinkled my nose.

"I never thought I would say this, but...would you please bring me my tea?" Waves of nausea washed over me. Sleep would be a comfort compared to this, but Edward had promised that this dosage of the mystery drug wouldn't affect me that way. I was willing to chance it. I needed to talk this over with him, but as things were, I couldn't be near him -_because he reeked_.

"Emmett?" he called downstairs. "Would you bring Bella's magic potion up for her?" Edward smiled at me and pinched his nose shut with his fingers. "You _reek_, too, you know?"

"Oh, I do, do I? And what could be worse than the way you smell?"

"_I _don't stink, but _you_ smell a lot like wet dog," Edward's crooked smile wasn't cruel, only teasing, his words brought up the truth so bitterly. I wasn't as ready as I thought I was to discuss Jake and the "situation" with him.

"Please don't say that. I don't want to talk about or think about Jake or the-," I couldn't make myself say _baby_.

"I want to take my _**medication**__," _I said sarcastically, "or get some nose plugs or something and talk to you. I want to be with you. I've missed you and there's so much I want to say to you."

The fever was subsiding. I felt a chill run up my legs and arms. I wanted more than anything at that moment to be wrapped up toasty and warm in the quilts piled high on the bed.

Emmett nearly knocked Edward down as he came through the doorway. "Sorry, I was concentrating on not spilling any of this."

The aroma was heavenly. I held my breath and darted over to Emmett. I took the cup from his hands and drank down the delicious concoction in one gulp.

Emmett laughed at me and I looked up at him. I breathed in deeply, curious as to how long it would take for the effects of the tea to dull my sense of smell.

Crap. It didn't work instantly. Emmett smelled even worse than Edward -and I didn't think it could get any worse than that. It was a morbid mix of blood, sweat and something I couldn't quite place.

Edward burst out laughing. "Well, that makes me feel a little better about myself."

"What?" Emmett asked innocently.

"She thinks you are more grossly scented than I am. Maybe it's because you're freakishly large," Edward chuckled. "There's more of you to stink."

"Bella, I'm hurt," Emmett's mock frown made the nausea seem a tad bit easier to take. "I would never tell you how much you smell like a road kill mongrel."

The fire kindled inside of me. I balled my fist and swung at Emmett. Instantly I feared the second it would make contact with his marble bicep. _**Crack**_ No pain.

"Wow. That was impressive for a weakling," Emmett rubbed his arm gingerly. "Didn't really hurt me, but are you okay?"

I was. I could only nod and stare at my hand, which should have been dangling from my wrist in a thousand shattered pieces.

"I wouldn't make a habit of punching him," Edward said as he reached out to take my hand in his. "You may not always get away without any damage. We don't know if that's a temporary effect or not. Seems like you feel pretty good right now, though. Do you?"

"Surprisingly, yes. I feel weird, though. Why didn't that crush my hand? Is it something in the tea?" I was dumbfounded. Not only was I standing of my own free will after being nearly bedfast for weeks, I had just thrown a punch at a stone wall and received not a scratch.

"Carlisle will want to make a note of that." Edward still held my fist in his hand. "He had a suspicion that magnified strength was one of the side affects you would suff-...well, I wouldn't say you were _suffering_ from it, would you?"

"I don't know what to think. What else does he think will happen to me?" Oh, no. Did he think I was beginning to phase into a werewolf? That couldn't be possible. I wasn't a direct descendant of the first, as all the other pack members were. And damn it all, I didn't ask to be a werewolf! The only mythical creature I wanted to become was a very beautiful vampire. This was all so screwed up.

"It's not like that," he was still reading my mind.

"Then how is it? Would you be so kind as to enlighten me?"

"You're not turning into one of them. It's hard to explain," Edward pressed his fingers into his temples as if his head ached, "but the short version is this: Somehow James' bite changed a part of you. It wasn't enough to cause you to complete the transformation from human to vampire, but it changed something. Rather than dying out, the venom has lain dormant in your body all this time. It became somewhat of an antigen."

"So I'm immune to becoming a vampire? You can't change me now?!" I was near hysterics. I could fee my body quaking. It threatened to break into thousands of tiny pieces. I was ready to burst out of my skin.

Edward's arms were around me suddenly. I didn't notice any odor now. "Please calm down, Bella. You can still be changed as far as we know. Carlisle thinks it may even be easier. Think of it as working up an immunity. It's like that, but different."

"Hurry and get to the different part," I whined anxiously.

"Your body is fighting a war," I clung to Edward and I could swear that I saw him grimace. "The pregnancy has created an altered state in your resistance levels -your defense system is undergoing reconstruction. The thing is that right now the werewolf genes are winning. The vampire genes are trying to fight off a change, but your body seems to have acclimated quickly and is working in favor of the baby. As it develops, it grows stronger -and apparently so do you. You're going to leave a mark, Bella."

I followed Edward's eyes as they trailed down to where my hands gripped his side. My fingers were pushed into his normally immovable flesh.

"Oh! Sorry!" I didn't know what else to say. If not for the whole shock of **"**_**congratulations, you're-pregnant-and-your-life-as-you-know-it-is-over**_**", **I might be thrilled to no longer be poor fragile Bella Swan.

A thought sprang into my mind. I swallowed hard and prayed for the strength to get the words out without my voice cracking "I'm barely far enough along to test positive for pregnancy, Edward. How do we know that I am? Maybe it's not true. Maybe it's all a mistake and-" Alice's voice cut me off before I could make any other wishes.

"You definitely are. There is no doubt," Alice and Jasper appeared on either side of Emmett. My small bedroom was getting cramped quickly. I didn't care enough to ask why they showed up at just the right time. I assumed that Alice had seen me break down under the stress of the day and she had dragged Jasper here to calm me down.

My legs gave out from under me and the next thing I knew Edward was lifting me into our bed. I pulled at his arm and he looked at me with the understanding of the grief I felt. He gracefully climbed into the bed with me and allowed my tears to soak through the sheet and into his shirt.

I wondered if he could be persuaded to go through with it now that things were so mixed up. Would he be willing to change me now, before we were married?

"I can't," he whispered, answering my thoughts.

_Why not?_ I couldn't bring myself to ask out loud.

I looked toward the door when I heard a car engine start and then fade into the background. Alice and Emmett were gone. Jasper glanced at Edward and smiled slightly at me, then turned and retreated downstairs.

"Because I don't know what would happen. I've never heard of a pregnancy surviving the transformation. I couldn't do that to you," his voice trembled and I knew he felt all the hurt just as much as I did.

"Is it alright with you if Jasper stays until Charlie gets home?" Edward asked. I looked at him through swollen teary eyes and nodded. "When I spoke with Carlisle on the phone earlier he said that you should be fine to start moving around some now. I think you're more able bodied than he expected, but I don't want you to over do things. Alice suggested that it would be a good idea to have Jasper around to keep you in better spirits," he explained when my thoughts grew confused.

"Remember that Charlie doesn't know about the-," I put my hand to his lips to stop him. I didn't want to hear the b-word for a while.

Edward kissed my finger tips and my heart jumped.

We were in this together, through all the pain and trouble I had set in motion. Edward was still my heart and my reason for being. I vowed to never let him down again. He kissed me tenderly and held me until I cried myself to sleep.

**A/N**: _I hope everyone got my replies to their reviews and PMs. Fanfiction was doing something screwy last night. It kept popping back to the dictionary every time I hit send. If you didn't get a response from me, let me know. Dang, technology. It never ceases to find new and better ways to piss me off._


	13. Chapter 13

_**In Jacob's Mind**_

(**Edward's POV**)

I left La Push with so many thoughts in my head that I had nearly forgotten what I had come for. Esme took the car back to the house. I told her I needed to be alone for a minute before returning to the hospital. I sincerely promised her that I would go straight there, but the fresh air would do me good. It would clear my head of the thoughts I had been harboring. The rain had begun to fall steadily, so the roads were mostly deserted.

I would stick to the woods and run back to the hospital to be with Bella. She was probably still unconscious, so I doubted if she would mind that I was drenched when I got there. I let the rain wash away some of the anger and pain.

At the edge of town, where I had sometimes begrudgingly turned Bella's care over to Jacob, I remembered exactly what my intentions had been. I could feel the eyes burning into my back before the voice shouted in my head.

"I'm right here, Bloodsucker. You came here with a purpose. Are you man enough to follow through, or are you going to turn and run before you get yourself hurt?"

I didn't have to turn to where the voice was coming from to know who spoke to me with hostile thoughts. Jacob. The would-be victim of my rage. Rather than pounce on him like a cat on a juicy mouse, I took an unneccesary deep breath and answered him calmly.

"You have no idea how lucky you are that my family stopped me when they did. Bella's asking for me," I lied. "I'll have to deal with you later, dog." I kept walking, though with a much slower stride than I would have preferred.

Padded footsteps grew steadily closer. I could smell the wet fur of the beast as the gap between us slowly closed. Did he really think it made any difference what form he chose to confront me with? He was always a werewolf to me. I never saw him as human anymore.

**(Jacob's POV)**

_What have I done? _

Bella would never forgive me for what had happened between us. I knew she blamed me for the whole thing. No matter how much I loved her and professed that love to her, she would look at me as the _boy_ she had mistaken for her true love, the heartless leech who paraded as a man. I wanted to die, and unless Cullen vanished without a trace -_as he had done so well before_- I would get that wish fulfilled in a short time.

I wanted to make it better, but there was nothing I could do or say to take back the previous days and hours. There was no way to turn back time so that I could erase the mistake I had made by coming to see her.

_Bella, please understand that I would never hurt you...never._

Howls in the distance. _"Run Jacob! The vampire is coming and he wants to see the forest drenched in your blood! Let us take care of him. You get as far away as possible. This will end right now." _Sam's thoughts reached out to me, but I pushed them away. Let him come. Let him do his worst. I deserved no less than that.

"What are you waiting for, Jake? GO! NOW!" Emery was closer to me than Sam. The pack was moving toward me, forming a living barrier between myself and Edward Cullen.

"Stand down. I mean everybody. This is fate and fate's not kind," I wouldn't let them argue with for me for long. I'd pull rank if I had to.

"I said **GO**, Jacob!" Sam was running back to where I was. His words were not the only ones I heard. The entire pack was screaming at me. Trying to talk sense into me.

"And _I_ said _**STAND DOWN**_! Last time I checked I was the one with the power to call the shots. Give it a few minutes and that position will be yours for good, Sam." When Cullen got to me I would force him to attack...and then I wouldn't put up a fight. It would only take a split second.

The panicked voices in my head hushed suddenly. Had something happened to them all? No, I would know that. I would feel it. No connection had been broken within the pack. It was something else.

"Sam? Are you finally listening to me?" Where had everyone gone?

"He's leaving, Jacob. You're off the hook for now. You have his family to thank for that, but we need to talk. Soon," the tone of Sam's voice reminded me of Billy's when he scolded me as a kid.

What? I wasn't going to miss this opportunity. It wasn't everday that the leech put aside all reason to hunt me down and kill me. It would be easier for everyone if it happened here and now like I had planned. I couldn't think of a more fitting end for myself.

"Leave me alone, Sam. I mean it. All of you just go home and mind your own business. This has nothing to do with the pack," I wasn't completely sure they would give up so easily. "Besides, you see he was too much of a coward to face me and he'll be long gone by now." That was a lie.

I intended on drawing him back to me as soon as they were gone. If I was really "un"lucky, I could still catch the rest of his coven and force them all to strike. That would be an even quicker and surer method of self destruction.

"This isn't over, Jacob. We need to get some things straight. I want to see you at Billy's in an hour. If you don't show up, we'll all come looking." Sam was still trying to order me around. I could tell from what he was thinking that he wasn't sure if I'd listen.

I answered carefully, so that he might be appeased enough to drop the subject and let me follow through with what Edward hadn't yet finished. "Fine. I'll be there. Now get out of here. I want to be alone."

"Don't do anything stupid," and with that Sam and the others were all out of sight and mind. They had all phased back to their respective human forms. This way I could be the wolf all alone in my thoughts. The silence was deafening.

I took off like a shot as soon as it was all clear. It only took me seconds to catch up to Edward. There he was -walking. This was perfect.

"I'm right here, Bloodsucker..."

**(Edward's POV)**

I stopped breathing when he approached. If I didn't have to smell the same scent that had been mingled with Bella's, on the shirt that lay on the floor of her room, I might be less likely to tear his head off. I stood still, while he approached.

Jacob circled around and stopped in front of me. His eyes looked the same to me when he was the wolf as they were when he was just Jacob Black. He snarled, baring his razor sharp teeth and lunged at me. I anticipated his move and ducked out of the way.

His huge body flew over my head and he crashed into the ground. To my surprise he didn't get up immediately. The wolf lay there, panting and whining like a puppy who had been beaten by his master.

His mind was wide open. Thoughts lay out before me like a picnic waiting to be devoured.

_Shame. Regret. Sorrow. Rejection. Pain. Remorse._

These were not the emotions I was hoping to find. Flashes of memory pulsed brightly in his thoughts.

_Bella holding him. Loving him. Kissing him back as hard as he kissed her_.

I wanted out of his head! This was torture. I knew she loved him, but this...this was unbearable!

I couldn't escape just yet. I moved closer to the pitiful form of Jacob, lying on the ground -eyes closed and whining. I needed to know more.There had to be more to it than that.

I collected myself and dove back into Jacob's mind.

_More reflections of his time with Bella. Realization that she was not happy with the boundaries they had crossed. Confusion. Why was she acting so strange -so distant? The look in her eyes that tore his heart out. She was suffering. Hate for me, the one person Bella wanted so much to have been in his place. Denial. He tried to comfort her. Hoped that she would come around-that she would love him back and not look so repulsed by what they had just done. Pain. Heartache. Hate. _

So there it was. The truth from Jacob's point of view. I had seen through his eyes (in a way) what had happened during the night he spent in her arms. She had not meant to do it. She allowed herself to, because she thought I was the one climbing through the window. Bella had been so tired from the long day, and when she was that exhausted she was easily disoriented. She had wanted it to be me.

Jacob was more innocent than I had wanted to believe. Who could refuse the chance to be with her? It would have been easy to convince yourself that she meant the things she said and did. I wasn't blaming Bella. It had all been a mistake. One that was huge and would be hard to live with -for all of us. But she was not the only one at fault. All of us, Bella, Jacob, myself -even Charlie and Alice, if you got technical about it- we all contributed in one way or another to the series of events that led to what had happened.

Jacob stirred as if he had regained his composure. I was gone before he got to his feet. I wanted to see Bella. I wanted to hold her and tell her that everything would work out fine. Although, how that was possible even I didn't know.


	14. Chapter 14

_**Bella's Lament**_

_**-**_**Bella's POV-**

I didn't sleep long. I merely dozed half in and half out of restless dreams. I awoke short while after closing my eyes in the sweetest embrace. As I lay in Edward's arms I went over the past few weeks in my head and I silently pondered my uncertain future. What were my options? The thoughts swirling in my head looked to me like a poorly made commercial about teen pregnancy by Planned Parenthood. That wasn't what I needed right now. I felt so helpless.

There was no way I could bring myself to harm something so innocent, but I wanted _it_ out of me. No child deserved to be born to a mother who didn't want it. And as horrible as that made me feel, it was the truth. I did not want to be carrying this child who was growing so quickly, but for now I had no other choice.

I made up my mind to find out as much as possible about the pregnancy. That meant getting into deep conversation with someone who could handle a serious session of Q&A. The only person qualified for the job was Carlisle. Jasper had stationed himself behind the house where he wouldn't be seen, but would be close by and ready to put me at ease if need be. Edward sent him home to take my request to Carlisle. After Charlie went to bed that evening, Carlisle and Esme arrived via my bedroom window. How embarrassing. It was demeaning to ask such graceful creatures to enter the room that way. If Edward would have listened to me, he and I would have simply gone to them, but he wouldn't hear of it.

I questioned Carlisle for hours about the baby and how he had come to his conclusions about what was happening to my body and why. My tears had run dry by now. It wasn't a comfort to have Edward able to read my thoughts when they were so dark. He kept shifting beside me on the bed and every few minutes he would stalk over to the window and look out. I could tell he was uncomfortable, so I asked him to leave the room while I finished talking to Carlisle. He readily excepted my free pass and kissed me gently on the forehead. He whispered "Love you" in my ear as he rose to leave.

Esme offered to go with him as he retreated out the window, but I asked if she would stay. This was something that a girl should have her mother present for, but Renee was not suited for this. She had no idea of the mixed up double life her daughter was leading and I intended to keep it that way for as long as possible. Esme made as fine a substitute as any I could ask for. She sat close to me on the edge of the bed and held my hand in hers. When Carlisle's answers seemed too clinical, Esme would chime in with a woman's wisdom. There was so much that I didn't know about being pregnant in the usual fashion, all strangeness aside.

I had such a difficult time thinking of these two beautiful beings as anything less than perfect. And yet I knew that they could indeed be the actual monsters of fictional stories. That idea to me was ridiculous. Esme showed me a kindness and friendship that I missed with my own mother. How would Renee have dealt with this situation? If she had known from the beginning the whole truth -the vampires, the werewolves...and me thrown in between- would she have treated me as gingerly as Esme did now? Charlie was much too human to have talked to me the way Carlisle did. There was no comparison there. Besides the fact that Carlisle had lived more than three hundred years and that he was intelligent beyond human thinking, there was a sensitivity about him that did make him godlike. He was so deeply pure and good, though he held within him a secret demon that he'd beaten into submission by choosing a different path.

I was introducing a load of problems to this family, and yet they took me into their lives as if it was where I belonged. -As if I were the missing person in the family portrait for so many years. I hated that I was stuck in this nightmare scenario with no happy end in sight, and that I had dragged them down into it with me. That hatred in turn made me resentful of the reason I was in such a dark place.

The reason. The baby. Jacob's baby. I didn't want to discuss this with Jacob. I knew he had every right to be involved in my decision making process, but I didn't really have many choices, did I? What was there to choose? Life or death? Mine, the baby's...or both. In truth, I may not have any choice about even that. I could not, would not think of an abortion. What right did I have to play God after all the sins I had committed? Adoption?

_Be serious, Bella. How could you ever find suitable parents to raise the child when you have no idea what "challenges" he or she may have to face in the world?_

When I had learned that I was pregnant, I had assumed that it would be for the usual nine months and end in the usual way. Nothing about my life since I had moved to Forks had been usual, so I don't know why I was being such an idiot about this. Carlisle explained with the patience of Job, as many times as I needed him to, the many ifs, ands, and buts of what I could expect -in theory. He couldn't say anything for sure, because he'd never had a patient like me. Esme, acting as my foster mother, made taking in the facts just a little less harsh, but I was still reeling from information overload.

I couldn't see a "regular" doctor, for a lot of reasons. The main one being that I was a medical mystery now. My body temperature matched that of Jacob's most of the time. At other times by blood cooled and my heart rate slowed until a pulse was barely discernible. In those moments, I imagined that Edward and I were already inseparable in life and death. I envisioned myself as his new bride, already past the first undesirable stage of a newborn vampire. These fluctuations happened all through our discussion, and Carlisle was careful to make note of the details of each phenomenon.

I had to agree with Carlisle's assumption that the changes occurring in me were courtesy of both James and Jacob. I was displaying behaviors and symptoms that reflected the nature of both vampire and werewolf, without actually being either. I noticed as the night progressed that I wasn't a bit tired. I should be drained and barely able to hold my eyes open. Instead I was wide awake and hanging on to Carlisle's every word. Carlisle suggested that when I displayed inhuman strength it meant the baby was active, and awake, because my normal weakling muscles eventually resurfaced after moments of vigor. When I was animated and moving, I was my normal deficient self. When I sat back down with Esme and was calm, I felt revived and my ability to punch through a brick wall would return. Esme said that my movements were rocking the baby to sleep and when I was still he was startled and moved about. It bothered me to hear her refer to_ it_ as "he". That made it seem all the more real. Although the baby's growth was accelerated, it was still too early to determine the gender. I preferred "it".

Occasionally, Esme would walk over to the window and speak to Edward who was sitting off to one side on the roof where I couldn't see him. I was sure he could still hear what was being said and most likely my thoughts, too. He had been able to hear Jessica from across the cafeteria that first day. It wouldn't be any different and now. Still, it was easier not to have to face him as he heard the black thoughts that boiled beneath the surface of my mind. They sickened me and my heart broke for the child that I wished away.

Around four in the morning I had absorbed more information than I had cared to know, about things I didn't want to ever have to think about. I thanked Carlisle for sharing his wealth of information as well as his educated guesses. I hugged Esme and called Edward with my thoughts. He appeared in the room as soon as Esme made her way out the window.

I didn't have to speak to tell Edward what was on my mind, but I forced the words I had been dreading to say out of my mouth.

"I need to see Jake. He needs to know all of this, too."

Edward turned toward the window as a figure bent down and emerged from the darkness. "I heard all I needed to hear," Jacob said as he slipped into the room and leaned his back against the wall.

_**---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* * *

**_

He was beautiful. Why had I not noticed before? Who was I kidding? I _had_ noticed before. Maybe I had pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind, but I hadn't smothered them completely. Jacob Black was stunning to look at. His age was not evident. The man standing before me looked to be in his early twenties, though I knew better. I was nervous having him in such close proximity with Edward also standing by. But Edward made no move to suggest that Jacob was not welcome in his presence. Only his expressing gave away his true feelings. He glared at Jacob as though he were the devil himself.

Jacob said nothing, but I knew silent thoughts were being sent from him to Edward. Jacob's face was ruddy -streaked with lines that had recently been wet, as if he'd been running into the wind and rain. The sky was cloudy, no stars shone through, but there was no rain and the wind was still.

"No," Edward stated firmly.

Jacob tensed and his hands tightened into fists. Then he sighed and relaxed his posture. "Please," he implored. But Edward did not look as though he was about to agree to whatever Jake was asking.

"No. You'll just have to get use to the elephant in the room as well as me, Jacob. I'm not ever leaving her alone with you again," Edward's voice trembled slightly and the tension in the air between them grew heavy.

"Fine."

That was too easy. Had Jacob been outside with Edward the whole time that Carlisle and I spoke with one another? That would explain so much. -Like why Edward had been so unsettled before I asked him to go and why he sat just outside the window. Had it been to keep Jacob from coming in?

"How much do you know?" I interrupted the coarse silence with a scratchy voice. I had asked so many questions and debated the answers with Carlisle and Esme for too long. My vocal chords needed a rest but I was adamant about speaking my piece, before giving in to peace and quiet.

"Everything...maybe more than you," Jacob looked at his hands when he spoke. He stepped toward where I sat on the end of the bed, but Edward moved in front of him, blocking his path.

"That's close enough," Edward snarled and Jake backed up against the wall again. He slid down until he was sitting on the floor and wrapped his toned arms around his legs. His chin rested on his knee when he looked up at me.

"I wanted to be the one to tell you, but they wouldn't let me. I've been here a couple dozen times, but you were always either asleep or one of them would tell me that you didn't want to see me. Did he tell you that, Bella?" Jake didn't sound angry, just sincere. He seemed as nervous about being in the room with me as I was.

"It was for your own good, Bella, and he knows that."

"Doesn't matter," I said to Jacob, ignoring Edward's harsh tone. "I've been...sick." That's all I could think to say to him as he sat staring at me and then his eyes fell on the bed -which was obviously different than the one he knew as mine.

"Bella, I'm so sorry," Jake blurted out and I realized then that his face was not marked by the weather, but by bitter tears. I had given no thought to what he must have been going through. All this time at least I had the benefit of unconsciousness. He had been suffering for weeks, without that comfort. Now that I really looked at him I saw how ragged he looked. There were deep circles under his eyes from lack of sleep and he looked different in a way that I didn't quite understand.

His eyes didn't look so young anymore. That's what it was. He had been forced to face the consequences of our actions head on while I had been sleeping my life away. It hurt to see how this had affected him. I wanted to comfort him and run from him at the same time. This was almost too much to bear. Suddenly I was more tired than if I had just drank a gallon of the laced tea.

Edward looked from Jacob to me and then moved to sit beside me on the bed. _Oh, God! That scent! _After hours of not noticing any smell whatsoever, my nostrils were filled with the pungent odor that I now sometimes associated with vampire. I wrinkled my nose and my hand flew over my mouth. I heard Jacob make a sound that was close to laughter.

"I'll get you something for that. Sorry, I wasn't thinking," Edward whispered as he quickly stood and moved away from me. I watched as he bounded to the door and then stopped dead in his tracks.

He turned to Jacob. "This will take me less than a minute and it will be the last one you spend alone with her."

"I'll take it," Jake replied hastily, and he made a move to stand. Edward jumped to where Jake sat and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't touch her," he threatened Jacob. "I'll be damned if you ever lay a finger on her again." Then he was gone downstairs as stealthily as a spirit.

Jake sat obediently where he was and returned to the same pose he had been in moments before with his chin resting on his knee.

"Bella, I don't know what to-"

"You don't have to say anything. It's going to take me awhile to get use to seeing you again, Jake. Let's just leave things pleasant for now. I don't think I can discuss the-"

"Okay. I understand," was all he had to say and then the silence between us was enough to break me down. Tears that I thought had long since run dry found a new well of moisture and ran in great rivers down my face. I didn't care what Edward had said or what I was feeling. I needed to _touch_ Jacob. It hurt me not to.

I rose from the bed and nearly ran the short distance to where he sat. He was shocked by my sudden move and he stiffened as I slid down the wall beside him. I lay my head on his shoulder just as Edward came through the door.

"Dammit, Bella! What are you doing?" He threw the cup of steaming tea across the room and it shattered against the wall. A ruckus in Charlie's room alerted me immediately to his rude awakening and his heavy steps shuffling around his room. Most likely he was looking for his gun. I heard him mutter something and then he called to me.

"Bella? Are you okay? I'm coming!"

_Oh, crap! _How was I going to explain the scene in my room when Charlie burst through the door. My bed, so visibly not slept in and Edward and Jacob both in my room, shards of broken tea cup and tea splattered all over one wall -this was going to be a hard spot to get out of.

Esme. She would handle herself with grace and poise. I would follow her example. Don't get upset. Don't rush. Just be calm and think this through.

I didn't have time to do either. Seconds before Charlie burst through the door, Edward's hands were at Jake's throat. A growl rumbled deep in his chest, but Jacob didn't fight back. Edward's eyes bored into Jacob's and then Jake spoke.

"Sorry to wake you, Charlie. It's just me, Jake," he called to Charlie. "I thought I'd come by and see if Bella felt like having breakfast with me, but I didn't realize how early it was."

I glanced at the clock. The red numbers shone as 6:00am. Charlie was late getting up. Edward darted to the window, threw a sorrowful look at me, and vanished. Jacob motioned for me to open the door and I did just as Charlie's hand reached for the door knob.

"Sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to scare you." Charlie's face was the whitest shade of pale I had ever seen. His eyes were squinted against the light in my room which Jacob had thought to switch on just as I had opened the door. The bedside lamp had been illuminating things dimly before.

"Uh...oh, that's okay...I guess," Charlie stretched slightly and yawned. "I'm just glad to see that you're feeling so much better, Bella. But are you sure you're up to going out of the house."

Yes. And No. I thought to myself. I was desperate to get outside, but the thought of leaving with Jake was almost terrifying. Edward would be furious, but if he was truly going to try and accept the situation, then he would have to deal with this kind of thing fairly often.

"Why would you assume that I'm leaving?" I asked honestly curious as to his speculation.

"Well, I didn't figure Jake was offering to make your breakfast...and well, I dunno. I guess I just figured that you wouldn't want to jump up and make it yourself. Not in the state you've been in." Charlie looked as bewildered as I felt.

What did he mean "the state" I'd been in? I thought he didn't know.

"What state?" I squeaked.

"Bella, you dang near died with that shower incident...Are you sure you feel well enough to be up and about?" he eyed me suspiciously. "Dr. Cullen said that it would be a pretty good while before you felt like yourself again."

He didn't know how right he was, but I was relieved that he could be so gullible sometimes. A loud knock at the front door startled us all.

"Who in the...," Charlie started as he made his way sleepily to the front door.

"Good morning, Chief Swan," Edward greeted Charlie as he slid easily past him and met me at the foot of the stairs.

"Morning, Bella," he smiled and kissed me. "Black," he grumbled.

"Charlie, would you mind terribly if I stole your daughter for a few hours this morning," Edward sounded chipper. I knew better. Jake glared at him. His moment alone with me was gone and neither of us knew if there would be another one anytime soon.

Charlie was caught of guard. He was normally a morning person, but his morning's weren't usually so full of commotion first thing upon waking.

"Umm...I guess if she feels like it, but Bella..weren't you and Jake-" Charlie didn't get to finish.

"That's okay, Bella. I can't stay anyway. I have to get back to the house and help Billy with something."

No. I wanted to get this over with. It hurt to see him leave after I finally had gained the courage to face him. Just to be near him was enough, without even speaking of what we knew to be true. We might have even talked about it sooner rather than later. Now I would have to wait for later.

Edward's arm pulled me against his cold side as Jake turned to me. "I'll call you, later today, Bells. If that's okay," he presented this question to Edward rather than me.

"Okay," I answered before Edward could say anything and Jake leaned in and kissed my cheek while Edward fumed.

"Alright. Have a nice day," Jake said flatly and left. I sent Edward the message that I was not happy with the way things had gone, but he didn't act as though he'd heard my angry thought.

All in all the night and morning went easier than I could have hoped for, but the worst was still ahead. I could feel a storm brewing in my heart. I wanted to cut it out, so that Edward would have no choice but to make me his forever.


	15. Chapter 15

(_A/N: this chapter picks up from when Edward came to La Push to confront Jacob. This is Jake's POV of the things that have already happened. just something to read while you're waiting on more of the story to unfold. Hope it patches up somethings for you instead of leaving a gaping hole._)

**Wanting and Understanding**

-_JPOV_-

Billy didn't deserve to be put through any more drama because of his children. Well, because of me, anyway. My sisters didn't come around often enough to cause him too much worry. It was me, the burden of the family, the one who was cursed, who gave him all the trouble. I didn't want to lay this weight on him on top of everything else, but I had no where else to go. I made my way home...and they were waiting for me.

God! Could I ever have a moment without the stench of vampire swirling around me? It wasn't the one I expected, though. The "brothers" came in his stead. Jasper and Emmett, they were called, though I had never thought of them as anything other than bloodsuckers.

I barely had time to speak with Billy when Sam and the others barged in to speak their piece. And now this. I wanted to crawl under the floorboards and die. But when the blond one came to the door and knocked -I had expected them to burst through the door uninvited- Billy answered it and they spoke to each other cordially. I didn't eavesdrop on them. I knew why they had come...or at least I thought I did.

"Jacob, could I speak to you privately?" Jasper motioned for me to step outside with him. When I made no move to follow, Sam urged me on.

"It's the only thing to do, Jake. And we'll all be here watching your back...just to be careful."

Sam's voice held the conviction in it that I had come to trust. Even if I was the chosen one -the true leader of this pack of werewolves- Sam was the right one to head up the family. He was older and wiser than I would ever be. I trusted his judgment.

I drug myself slowly out the door behind Jasper. Emmett started out after us, but Jasper asked that he stay inside with the others. He didn't look thrilled about it, but he obliged Jasper and went back into the house. I knew Billy would make him as welcome as any other "person" who visited.

"This is the short version, because I don't know how much time we have until Edward shows up here in a fit of rage," Jasper's expression did not portray the urgency in his voice.

"We all know most of what happened. Alice found Bella in the shower. She surmised most of the night's events from visions she had and passed that along to Edward and then the rest of us. I just want to get a feel of what happened from your point of view. You know that I can tell what you're truly feeling, don't you? That I have a gift? I'm sensitive to others' emotions."

"Yes," was all I could manage to say.

"Fine. Then tell me what happened. I don't need details, just the gist of things," Jasper closed his eyes and turned his head slightly to one side as if he were listening closely for something.

"Um…what do you need to know? That I didn't mean to hurt her? That I'd rather die than hurt her? You know all this already. Or you should." I could barely keep the emotion out of my voice. I was shaking, though I tried to keep my composure. Moisture burned my eyes, stinging me like sand thrown in my face.

Jasper opened his eyes and looked at me angrily. "This is not what I need to hear. Just tell me why you were there and what happened between the two of you. If you're lucky, we'll be able to catch Edward before he gets to you. I want to be able to tell him the truth from your perspective. Maybe if he thinks that you're sincerely sorry...but I know Edward...you'll be lucky to get out of this alive."

"Let him come. I don't have anything to hide from him." Angry tears spilled down my face. I didn't wipe them away. What did I care if a vampire saw me cry? That was an advantage I had over them. I still had human feelings. Not that they were any good to me anymore. I was done with that. I couldn't bear the insufferable pain.

How could she love him..._it!?_ I refused to think of him as a person. He wasn't even human, not even close. Bella's face and her expression after she'd realized that the shared heat had been with me, swam into my mind. It pushed me forward and into harm's way. I welcomed the torture of dying at Edward's hand.

Jasper's words interrupted my self-pitying thoughts.

"Don't think for a second that I'm doing this for you. It's all for Bella. She's all that Edward wants and she is family. If you care for her as you say you do, then spill. Tell me what I need to know. Otherwise, Emmett and I won't have a reason to stop him. We won't even try. There will be no more need for treaties then. It won't make a damn bit of difference to Edward. He'll plow through any werewolf stupid enough to get in his way. That kind of raw emotion can push anyone to extremes. You've seen what he can do when Bella is the prize at stake? You know what he's capable of. Do you really think a few over sized dogs will cause him to falter in the least?"

A guttural growl erupted from deep inside me and I realized that what the bloodsucker was saying held much truth. The others wouldn't give up on defending their territory so easily and Cullen wouldn't stop for a second to worry about who he would have to go through to get to me.

I don't know why I did it, but I poured out my heart to this _thing_. My supposed enemy. It felt like confession. The burden lifted for a moment. Jasper and Emmett said no farewells, but promised Billy and Sam that they would do their best to avert Edward's attack. As I watched the two of them leave, it all came rushing back. The burden of guilt, the heavy weight of my conscience crushed down upon me. I had to be alone. I wanted to get away from everyone so that I could prepare my last gift to Bella.

I had found recently that I had more control and phased more quickly than my pack mates and I made use of this skill frequently. I slipped unnoticed out the door, and changed into a more comfortable shape. The wolf wasn't so unnatural to me anymore. The animal body felt more like home than my human form did now. Raw instinct took over. There was no time to change my mind if I decided that dying was not an option. The urge to die would win out when I was the wolf. All human emotion was subject to veto when I ran on four muscled legs.

As I made my way into the woods I could feel the pack members hot on my trail. I neither needed nor wanted their sympathy. In my own way, I was trying to protect them. It was needless to watch their blood be spilled over my foolishness. I wouldn't be able to stop the body count from rising after I was gone, but I didn't care. While I was still living, however, I wouldn't sit idly by and watch them throw away their lives while trying to avenge me.

I out ran them until I reached the edge of the woods. There Sam caught up with me. By then, the whole pack had phased into wolf form. It was almost a relief to not have to explain again in excruciating detail the events that had passed between Bella and myself. They knew now without my saying so. They all shared in my hurt, shame and heartache without wanting to. I couldn't block my haunted memories from them.

I couldn't stop the next thought that entered my mind. I was going to welcome Edward Cullen to La Push. He could bring pain and death, maybe even hell, with him and I would not hide from it all. He could finally have what he had wanted all along -Bella's uninhibited love. What she had felt for me was now long dead and I soon would be, too.

The pack tried to push me back. They asserted themselves as best they could as my family -as my friends and pack mates. It didn't matter.I ran on, ignoring their calls to me. I ran faster, further. I didn't immediately notice when everything grew quiet. Then Sam's voice rang out like a bell amid the morning silence.

_"Run Jacob, the vampire, he's coming and..."_

Good. I had hoped that his family hadn't been able to convince him so easily to stay away. I wouldn't have let anyone stop me, and I knew he had every reason to want to rip my throat out. If our roles had been reversed, I would have felt the same.

I was the true leader here, by birth-right, even if I didn't want to be. But now I would use this to my advantage. I pulled rank in the midst of them all. Even Sam didn't challenge me. With as much wit and authority as I could muster I made it clear that they should stand down. I put them all in their place under me, even Sam. I wasn't happy about that. If there was any chance of my survival, I would never let myself outrank him. He was the best choice for pack leader, but this was an emergency. I needed to be able to rely on the fact that they would have to serve me and obey my commands.

To my surprise, my simple ploy worked. The lot of them begrudgingly left. I was finally alone...and somewhat terrified. The sound of my pounding heart reverberated in my ears. My brain felt as if it would burst. I shook from head to snout to try to rid myself of the annoying pain. I knew what I had to do. I wanted Bella to have peace. I wanted her to know that I would sacrifice everything I had and everything I was for her to be happy.

So I offered myself up on a platter: a sacrifice waiting to be taken to heaven, hell, or wherever it was that mythical beings spent the hereafter. Edward was the gateway. I rushed headlong into my fate.

I would make amends for what I'd done, and I worked myself up to face what was coming. I longed for the peace that came with dying, no matter how intense the pain before the calm was. That undeniable vampire stench filled my nostrils with a sulfurous burning and the flow natural adrenaline increased. Fear and instinct melded together and pulsed like liquid fire through every part of me. Cullen was so close and I knew he could kill me with ease. But in that final moment, when death was breathing down my neck, I panicked.

Surprisingly enough, I soon found that the blond bloodsucker hadn't lied. He, or one of the others, must have intercepted Edward on his way to find me. When I came upon him, he was retreating, rather than advancing in my direction. I was close enough for him to reach out and touch before he acknowledged my presence. I antagonized him until he finally turned on me.

I passed on a hate filled mental message, knowing that he picked up on my thoughts easily. "I'm right here, Bloodsucker. You came here with a purpose. Are you man enough to follow through, or are you going to turn and run before you get yourself hurt?"

I lunged at the bloodsucker before I had the chance to change my mind. I braced myself for the end. My life flashed before my eyes, just like that old cliche, and the world moved in slow motion. One second he was directly in my path, ready to tear me to bits when we collided. The next instant I was slamming into something hard and cold, but it wasn't Cullen. The ground met me with enough force to break every bone in a human body, but I felt only enough pain to know that I was still living.

The flashing images of life, the one I so wanted to end -came to an abrupt halt -settling on the memory of the face I loved more than any other in the world. _Bella_. I had to move...for her. I had to die because of the pain I had caused her. If she had never spoken to me that day at First Beach, if she and I had never become friends, then this would never have happened. I couldn't go back and change the past, but I could give her peace in knowing that I would never harm her again.

I willed my limbs to move, but to no avail. A crushing weight held me fast to the ground. All the pain I had ever felt in my life was not a drop in the bucket compared to the hurt I felt now. Bella's scent, our combined scent, was still fresh in my memory. Every detail of Bella Swan was etched forever in my memory. She was ingrained in my very soul.

As this was my time to suffer, I let the memories sweep over me. Holding her bare skin against mine. Kissing her. Loving her. For a moment, my memories rose from the ashes like the phoenix and spread out before me. I saw it all as if it were the first time. Everything felt so real. -The length of her body against mine, the smell of her sweet strawberry hair, the warmth of her full mouth, her eager hands pulling me closer, deeper and the love that flowed from her to me so freely. I ached to be able to hold her one last time, if only to say "goodbye".

Then as I lay on the hard ground, the sweetness of Bella washed away and was replaced by the fear and regret I saw in her eyes, a haunting look that would give chase to all dreams of us together until my bitter end came. _Damn it!_ No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that Bella wanted me, it would never change the fact that she wanted Edward more. _Loved_ him more.

My heart betrayed me. Rather than seal up the wound that gaped and bled constantly, it allowed itself to rip apart even further, spilling my love for Bella like water through a sieve. Every memory my mind held of her came rushing forward from the files I buried deep in my brain. I had done my very best to push her far away from my heart, but to no avail. Now the smell of her, the taste of her lips, and the feel of her skin against mine all seemed all too real.

I remembered all the emotions I felt that moment in her arms when I knew for sure that she loved me. I had been such an idiot to believe that she would so eagerly accept me as her future. What did I have to give her? I decided in that instant I would not give in to fear and doubt anymore. This had to end. My suffering, and hers.

I pulled myself together long enough to block out the images of Bella's smile and push myself up off the ground. I didn't know why Cullen had moved out of the way of my attack. There had been no fear in his black, soul-less eyes. He must have been toying with me. Be that as it may, this was my only means to an end. He would kill me and in doing so he would restore his precious Bella's honor. Maybe she'd be angry with him for a while for my death, but in the end she would forgive him and eventually they would have their happily ever after.

Whatever happened to the rest of them didn't matter to me. The pack and the bloodsuckers could wage their own war without me. This matter meant nothing to them. It was personal. Deep down I knew it wouldn't remain that way, but I didn't care. I wouldn't be around to see the impact of my stupid mistake. Selfishness had its benefits.

I pushed myself up to my feet in agony. Though I felt no physical pain -the deep bruises a normal person would suffer had already healed- I ached through and through because of what I had done. I turned quickly to lunge at where I last knew Cullen to be...but there was no one. Swinging around to catch his scent, I saw a blur in the distance that I could only assume was Edward running toward Forks.

It made no sense. He had come here for a purpose and I had been even less of an opponent as I had planned to be. There was no reason for me to still draw breath. I stared after him for a few minutes, puzzled by his sudden disappearance. A hand on my shoulder pulled me back to reality.

"You should thank him for that," Leah said smugly.

I pushed her hand away, but she only put it back.

"Come home, Jake. Billy needs to see you." Leah lowered her eyes as she said this. "There's something he needs to tell you."

I didn't like the tone of her voice. It wasn't like Leah to be gentle. This was not a good sign.

"Is something wrong with Billy?" I pulled her around to face me.

"No."

"Then he doesn't need me right now. Not now. Just tell him I'll be home later. I don't know when," and I started to walk away from her.

"You'll want to hear this, Jake!" She yelled after me. I quickened my pace. Leah was the member of the pack I trusted the least. She was conniving and malicious with her thoughts and her words. In turn, her words meant little to me. I glanced back over my shoulder to see that she wasn't following me. She stared after me, but hadn't moved an inch.

She called after me even louder. "It's about Bella!"

_Oh, God. What now? _My chest tightened. My heartbeat rapidly approached an unhealthy rhythm. It felt like it would burst out of my chest. When I left her she was fine...or at least she was healthy...and alive. Did I hurt her? No. She couldn't die.

_No! She wouldn't! _

My feet flew under me. I was running faster than I ever had. I didn't bother to look around and see if anyone was watching and I didn't head deeper into the woods as I normally would. I sought the quickest way back to Billy's. I had to hear for myself, from my father's lips, what the urgent news about Bella was. I prayed harder than I had in my whole life.

_Don't let her be hurt. Don't let her be dead. Please, God...let her be okay...let her forgive me!_


	16. Chapter 16

_**(A/N: This jumps back to present in Edward's POV. It occurs just after Edward has asked Charlie if Bella can go out with him for the day. Edward has warned Jacob that he won't let Bella be alone with him.)**_

_**Reasons To Worry**_

**(Edward's POV)**

Avoiding Jacob's attempted get away with Bella hadn't been difficult thanks to my quick thinking and Charlie being around. It wouldn't be as easy when I had to blatantly refuse Bella the opportunity to talk alone with him when she posed the question. She was already thinking about it.

I had taken her back to my house -to our room, but she hadn't wanted to stay there for long. Rather than go inside, Bella had insisted that we stay outdoors even though the day was wet as usual with a misty spray. Her skin was hot to the touch and she said that the light rain felt good.

I worried at first that it wouldn't be good to let her remain in the cool air for long, but she insisted that she wanted to be outside. I ushered her into the garage after a few minutes and opened the doors. This way she could be dry, but still enjoy the view and the fresh air, if she so wished.

Questioning her wasn't necessary to know what she was feeling. Her thoughts came to me readily now, and though I had promised not to invade her mind, I often reached out to prepare myself for what was coming. When she spoke now, I knew what she would say before she said it, and I had my answer prepared before hand. She had been trying to find the perfect way to ask me on the short drive from Charlie's house.

Just when the silence between us was becoming unbearable, Bella turned her back to me and wrapped my arms around her. She stared out into the rain. I rested my cheek on the top of her head, enjoying a loving minute before her protests began when I gave her my answer.

"So...about what you said to Jacob.." Bella ran her fingers up and down my forearm. She leaned back, pressing her back side into me. It was her way of teasing an answer out of me. She did this frequently now. I assumed it was her raging pregnancy hormones and tried to fight the urge to turn her around and kiss her pouting lips.

"Yes, what about it?" I didn't mean to be so cold to Bella, but she was not going to be alone with Jacob as long as I could keep her from him. Not only did I hate him without doubt now, I was finding myself extremely jealous of the dog.

It wasn't the fact that he had taken Bella's virginity, not that _that_ wasn't a good enough reason to be jealous -_or to hate him_. I was jealous of the fact that the child growing inside of her wasn't mine. She didn't even want to speak of it. He didn't deserve to share something so sacred with her. Life, one that I could never give her, grew beneath her beating heart and I coveted it's parentage.

I wanted so much to be able to wrap my arms around her while she lay in our bed and feel her growing belly, knowing that this baby was mine -that we had created life together. But that was not possible. It angered me to think that Jacob Black would forever be a part of Bella's life now. I could not drive a wedge between the family they had unwittingly become.

"Even if I asked for a few minutes alone with him?" Bella looked at me with eyes meant to charm or seduce me out of a satisfactory answer.

"Not even if you begged." The look on Bella's face was pained. It was almost enough to make me want to rip out my own tongue for hurting her with my words.

I didn't need anymore than the look in her eyes to punish me, but my luck had run only bad these days. A tear rolled down her cheek and I raised my hand to wipe it away before another followed it. Her hand caught mine and she gritted her teeth. She was seething mad.

"You don't have that kind of power over me Edward. The only way that you'd keep me from Jake at all is if I truly belonged to you. Yet you refuse to do what it takes to make that happen, remember?"

That stung. She knew damn well why I couldn't chance changing her. Though she may be uncertain of how she felt about the baby now, there would come a time when Bella would resent me -maybe even despise me for being the reason that she lost her only chance of having a child. The one gift I could never give her was something I resented, but would never take away from her. One day she would be happy about this baby, and she would thank me for not giving in to her selfish wants.

"Lash out at me all you want, Isabella." She cringed when I used her full name. "You know that I want you to be mine for eternity. I have given up on trying to keep you human. It's pointless to argue with you when you are so determined to live a half life. You would find a way to become a vampire if I refused."

"Then do this for me, Edward. Please? We don't know for sure that anything bad will happen."

Her offer was tempting. Hadn't she so far broken all the rules? Every time something _should_ happen, with Bella it turned out differently than expected. Perhaps this would follow the same strange pattern. _No_. I shook off the desire to put my mouth to her throat and open a vein.

"I want you, Bella. I want to spend forever with you. Damn the consequences when it comes to the two of us. But at what cost are you willing to dive into eternal damnation? I couldn't live with myself if in giving you your new life I ended the innocent life of your unborn child."

Bella's eyes were emotionless. In the beginning of our turbulent relationship she had always had the most reflective eyes. Though I could never read her exact thoughts, I came to know what she was feeling to some extent by looking in those beautiful eyes. So much had changed about her in the last month.

"How did we wind up talking about _this_?" She smoothed her shirt with both hands revealing the small bump that had recently replaced her flat abdomen.

"For God's sake, Edward! You can't possibly worry that I would throw off my clothes and offer myself up to Jacob. Not that it would matter now. I'm already carrying his bastard." Her expression never changed, but fresh angry tears flowed down her face.

I hoped that this version of Bella was only a temporary one. She had every reason to act this way, but I hated it. This wasn't my Bella. She would never behave this way.

"Stop, Bella." I stomped away from her -putting some distance between us, so that I didn't have such a clear view of her tears. "Think about all this before you say something you'll regret later. I don't believe for a second that you would refer to your son or daughter as a bastard and neither do you."

Although, I truly wasn't sure about that now. Maybe Bella would not come to accept this as her fate. What if she really didn't want this baby at all? I didn't like the way that made me feel about her.

"So, you're back to reading my mind again? Go ahead. Then maybe you can explain _my_ feelings about this to _me_."

Although she tightly closed her mouth, the words kept spewing out. Only now they were in the form of frustrated angry thoughts.

It was hard being in Bella's mind. With anyone else I had always been able to close myself off to them. Bella was different. She drew me in and imprisoned me there. Her raving thoughts bombarded me constanty, even while she slept. It was exhausting.

Her inner workings were much more complex than I could have ever imagined. I thought back to a time when I wanted desperately to see what was behind her eyes. I desired only to explore what it was that made her tick. Now I wished only to find her mute button.

Had things been a little less complicated it would have been comical. I pictured Bella as the nagging housewife, berating me (her weary, trouble-laden husband) and I caught myself smiling at the ridiculous image. It was an idiotic thought, but at least it broke my mood a little. It helped to focus my attention on something other than Bella's never ending ominous thoughts.

This could be interesting. I worked diligently to come up with new and better far-fetched scenarios for hausfrau Bella and beer gutted Edward. It was soothing (and a bit disturbing) to imagine the two of us as "normal" for a change.

I created a daydream for myself of her in a coffee stained moo-moo serving up two luke warm tv dinners for the two of us as we sat down in front of a bunny-eared television. I snickered.

Then suddenly, something the size of a tire slammed into the back of my head and shoulder -jarring me, and then falling to the ground with a muted thud. Looking down, I saw that it had actually been a tire. I laughed out loud to my surprise at Bella's reaction. Her inhuman strength almost always surfaced when she was angry.

I turned to see Bella staring contemptuously back at me. In her hand was a tire iron. Her swollen chest heaved as she fumed over my refusal to let her have her way. I suppressed another laugh. She was actually more appealing to me when she looked so determined to hurt me.

I no more than thought about walking toward Bella, when she was suddenly three inches from my face. She stretched up onto her toes to look directly into my eyes. I could feel the tire iron between the two of us pressed into my chest. A fire burned in her eyes like I had never seen before.

One burning hand struck my cheek and turned my head with it's forceful blow. Then the tire iron clattered to the garage floor and both of Bella's hands turned my face to meet her gaze. Her full lips smothered my mouth with a kiss so passionate that I nearly fell backward under her advance.

Normally unmoveable by human hands when I stood, Bella easily pushed me backward two full steps until I was leaning against the hood of Carlilse's car. She wrapped one arm around me, digging her nails into my back as she deepened the kiss. Then I felt the fingers of her other hand tangle in my hair. She pulled lightly at a handful near the nape of my neck. I felt like I would come out of my skin.

I didn't physically need air, but I wished Bella would come up for a breath soon. Otherwise, she was in danger of having me forcibly remove her clothes. I couldn't take much more of this wonderful torture.

I knew that her hormones were responsible for what she was doing, but I was going to enjoy every minute of this while it lasted. Who knew when she might go back to being angry with me again? Or worse, crying. I couldn't bear to see her crying anymore for a while. It was becoming harder and harder to find ways to comfort her.

As the thoughts she was having turned more explicit with each second that ticked by, I wondered how far I should let her go before I insisted that she stop. It was wrong of me to let her get this worked up, knowing that she was urged on by the changes her body was going through and not by the true desire to show me how she felt. I didn't care.

There was no virgin truth to her anymore, and I was more than eager to give in to my desires to have her for my own. I wouldn't allow her experience with Jacob to be her only adventure into physical pleasure for long. When the time was right I would make love to her and show her in every way I could imagine that she truly was mine forever.

I encircled her waist with my arms and lifted her off of her feet. She pulled her legs up and wrapped them around my thighs, centering her most vulnerable area against the place I craved her most. I turned around, resting her against the hood of the car and ran my hands up her shirt and along her bare back. Bella's skin burned wonderfully against my cold hands.

She moaned, her mouth still pressed to mine. Her tongue flicked against my own and traced the inside of my lower lip, before she bit down and pulled away to look in my eyes. Then without notice, Bella's expression went from lustful to horrified.

She pushed hard against my chest with both hands. Her strength waned, but I let myself step back away from her. I didn't immediately recognize the look on her face as she struggled free from my embrace.

It was bizarre to have her change right in front of me from devilishly excited to utterly repulsed. Before understanding hit me -vomit did.

"_Oh..Oh, God!...I'm...so..sor..sorry...ugh_!" Bella was a putrid shade of green that very closely matched the voided contents of her stomach -which covered the front of my shirt and dripped down onto my shoes. She stumbled to the door of the garage and out into the rain, where she knelt down and heaved again.


	17. Chapter 17

_A/N: Obviously, I am not Stephenie Meyer and so these are not my characters. None of the names of people, places, or thing...heh heh!...used herein belong to me. I am merely borrowing from Mrs. Meyer's mind.This chapter explains what happened when Jake left Leah and ran back to Billy's to find out what the urgent "news" was. Unless, you're completely oblivious thus far as to what has happened you know what the "news" is. Just trying to bring the story full circle and into the present. If you haven't yet, go to my profile and cast your vote in the poll! I need you're input. Thanks! Nic) --oh, and just so you very observant people know--my spell checker is down (that would be the one from here) and if there are great grammatical errors, or any other fantastic mistakes, you'll just have to live with them. Sorry!_

_**The Fear In Me**_

****

**_(Jake's POV)_**

Facing my own impending death was scary but, wound up not being as satisfying as I had hoped. I was still very much alive and very much in pain. I closed my mind off to the thoughts of hurting Bella and how her broken heart had killed something inside of me.

Racing back to the house, I focused only on getting the answers I needed. Was Bella okay? What was wrong? What drove Billy to send me a message via Leah, when she was the least close to me of all the pack? Why not Sam? Something was so wrong about all of this.

Maybe it was a trick to get me away from Cullen. But the pack would already know that I had unwittingly avoided the hand of the reaper. So, why then would they want to bring me into their custody. They knew how much I desired to be alone.

As the house came into view, I phased back into human form. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Quil, Embry and Paul also stepping out of the woods. They were already pulling on their clothes, so they had been a bit ahead of me. This didn't look good, but I didn't sense an ambush, either. Why hadn't I heard their thoughts with them so close? I supposed that I had somehow smothered all thoughts except concern for Bella.

We glanced in each other's direction and Paul nodded, signifying that we understood each other. They fell back and allowed me to race into the house alone. Billy was sitting in the kitchen with his back to me when I came in. The telephone was pressed tightly to his ear and he was holding it with both hands as though he were anxious about what he was hearing.

Billy's voice was barely a whisper. He glanced over his shoulder when I let the door slam just a bit too loudly, but merely jerked back the other direction, avoiding direct eye contact with me. Now I was really worried.

"Dad! What's going on?" I shouted at him. Something I would never do. Billy only held up one hand and continued with his hushed converstation. I stalked around in front of him, forcing him to look at me. "Dad! What's wrong?"

Billy's eyes locked on me, but he only spoke to the person on the other end of the phone. "Alright, Charlie. If there's anything I can do, just let me know. Okay? I'll be sure to tell him. Absolutely. Uh-huh. Well, you go ahead and I'll talk to you soon. Okay. Bye." And he hung up the phone and sighed.

"Jake, we need to talk about Bella."

_Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God! _Billy was upset, but I didn't think he'd be talking to Charlie so calmly if Bella wasn't still alive. So, there was something else, though I doubted it was anything good.

I couldn't even ask what was wrong again. I just pulled out a chair and sat at the table beside Billy. He reached out and put a hand on my forearm. "Jacob, sometimes it's hard for me to remember how young you really are. You're appearance has changed so much that it's easy to think of you as an adult." Where was this going? _Get to the point, Dad! I need to know now!_

Billy must have seen the frustration and panic in my eyes. He continued on without pause. "That was Charlie..but I guess you heard that." I nodded in response. My tongue had melted in my mouth. I couldn't force the words out.

"Well, you know that Bella is in the hospital... because of her..,_accident_." He was stating obvious facts now. I was dying inside. The anticipation was eating away at me.

"She'll be okay, Jacob...but there's something else."

What? What did that mean? -_Something else_. Bella was okay, but she _wasn't_? I didn't understand. Why was he beating around the bush? I couldn't stand to wait patiently on an answer.

"What the hell's going on? Will you please just tell me in plain English what's wrong with her?" I bit my tongue when I realized what I had said to my father. Earlier I had promised myself that I wasn't going to cause Billy any further trouble, yet here I was yelling at him.

"Jacob, calm down. I need for you to listen to me and listen hard. Do you hear me, son?" Billy's face was as grave now as it had been at Harry Clearwater's funeral. His expression was ominous, even though his voice was calm and smooth.

"Yes," was all I could say.

"Bella is...well, she's...," Billy sighed heavily and hung his head. He ran his hand over his face and when he looked back up at me, he smiled pitifully. _Pity?_ Why was he looking at me that way?

"Sometimes I forget your age." Billy's strange grin faded and he looked serious once again. "It's hard to remember that you're still so young, Jake. You have gone through so much in such a short amount of time and most of the time you handle the burden with the wisdom and strength of a much older person."

Why did he keep bringing up how my age? He wasn't making any sense.

"Can we please get back to what's going on?"

"I should have paid more attention to the situation between the two of you. Maybe if I had said something to you about it, then-"

"Dad, please. Are you going to tell me what's going on or not?" I pushed my chair away from the table and stood as if I were threatening to walk away.

"Sit." Billy didn't command me to do anything anymore, but feeling so much guilt over what I had put him through compelled me to do what he asked.

"Just before Charlie called I received a call from the hospital. It was Dr. Cullen. He wanted to speak to you, but when I insisted that he tell me what was going on he finally explained what the problem was and why it was so urgent that he speak to _you_ about Bella's condition." Billy stared into my eyes and I felt guilt wash over me in waves.

"And?" I questioned.

"Bella's vitals finally stabalized," Billy frowned, "but her blood work came back with some unexpected results."

"What does that mean? Is she sick?" Thoughts of horrible illnesses came to mind. What had the tests said? What if she had some incurable disease? Cancer?

Billy's next words came out in a such a rush that at first I wasn't sure if he had spoken at all. "Jacob, she's pregnant."

I couldn't speak. My legs wouldn't move, though I wanted to run for my room like a little kid who's pouting after being scolded. _What did he say? _It couldn't be what I thought I'd heard.

Billy reached out and put his hand on my forearm. "Son? Did you hear what I said? Bella's pregnant."

Oh, God! No. This was not suppose to happen. First my happiness is crushed because I realize that she hadn't really wanted to share her bed with me after all. Now I find out that she was already carrying _his_ _baby_! Why had she not told me before? Maybe she didn't know. Maybe she hadn't found out yet, and she didn't know that- _**wait**_...it couldn't be possible. Cullen wasn't even human! There was no way that...

"She can't be. It's not possible. Even if she'd been with him, the blood sucker couldn't have gotten her pregnant." I was so relieved, but still confused as to why Carlisle hadn't thought of that himself. Stupid vampire. He of all people should know what was and was not possible. Not only was he one of them, he was a trained professional. It made no sense that he would make such a moronic mistake. But that was the only reasonable explanation.

Billy was shaking his head furiously. He looked at me angrily and his voice trembled when he finally spoke. "Jacob, get this through your head. Bella IS pregnant and-" but before he could finish, I spoke again.

"There's no way that it's possible. The tests were wrong. Vampire's can't reproduce. Not that way, at least." I smiled smugly, assured tht everything was okay now. Damn vampires. Making me worry more when there was obviously no reason to.

"Dammnit, Jacob! It's your baby!"

"What? That's not..it can't be..I..I.." I didn't know what to say. The idea that Bella could have become pregnant from our one and only coupling, which had only occurred hours before was absurd.

But so was the fact that I shouldn't technically exist. Vampires and werewolves and pretty girls caught in the middle of their wars -it was all a ridiculous twisted fairy tale. What an idiot! How could I not have seen this coming? Things with Bella and I had never been simple. They just kept getting more frustrating and tangled. This made perfect sense. There was only one thing that had me worried now.

"Does she know?"


	18. Chapter 18

_**Second Thoughts**_

With all the time I had been spending with Bella lately, I feared I might be smothering her somewhat. I opted to give her some time to herself -under close supervision, of course. Alice had been nagging me for days to let her have a day with Bella, and I finally caved with the stipulation that Esme or another of the family joined them. She half-joked that this could be her way of proving herself a useful loving sister to me once more and agreed that she would bring Esme along.

When evening came, I settled Bella into our bed and slid beneath the sheets with her, pulling her close to my side. As she drifted off to sleep, I called Alice. She could take Bella's mind off the stress of the pregnancy and she had assured me that her intention was to do just that. She told me that she'd had a vision of Bella smiling and laughing while they were out of the house and that was all that I needed to hear to make my decision final.

While Alice was cheering Bella up, I would be making a trip to La Push. There were things that the dog and I needed to discuss at length and Bella did not need to be present when we exchanged our words.

I was leery of leaving Bella and Alice to their own devices again, considering the consequences of my last great misjudgment, but I promised Alice that she could surprise Bella the next day with a girls' day out. We made arrangements for she and Esme to pick up Bella first thing in the morning. My fears were drowned out by a knowing feeling that she was mine, not Jacob's and nothing he could do would change that fact.

For once in a long time, I felt sure that nothing could keep Bella and I apart. Even the fact that she was carrying Jacob Black's child beneath her heart couldn't stop my love for her from growing with each passing day.

The glow of pregnancy lit Bella's face with such a beauty, I could almost envision what she would look like after she was changed. I couldn't help but stare at her. Her skin was radiant. The small swell of her abdomen was becoming more evident and her breasts were fuller and more pronounced. She looked as though she were entering her second trimester instead of the actual five weeks since she had conceived.

Her body was more appealing to me now than ever. She didn't understand this no matter how much I tried to explain it to her. She shut me down before I could mention the baby to her at all. I wanted so badly to confess to her that in my mind, this child was ours -not hers and Jacob's.

I felt it with all that was in me. This baby, Bella's baby- was something that I was happy about. In a time when I should be scared of losing her to Jacob because of the situation, I was instead excited. Not much in nearly 100 years had excited me like this, save for one thing -and I had since given that up for a new life.

It was thrilling to hold Bella against me at night and feel the movement inside her that she herself had not yet had the pleasure of experiencing. I had not told her about the tiny kicks, because I thought it would be something that a new mother should get to savor -the first realization that there was actual life inside of her.

Bella needed that to happen badly. Her thoughts grew so dark sometimes that I stayed out of her mind for hours. I hoped that when she finally _felt _pregnant that she would change her mind about wanting the baby. I had seen it happen millions of times in so many others who had learned that they were unexpectedly pregnant and swore that they didn't want to have children.

Though I had never practiced medicine the way that Carlisle did now, I had been a very close observer of all the practices he had overseen through the ages. Women fascinated me. Their bodies functioned on levels mortal men would never be able to understand -their emotions controlled by chemicals in their brains and yet their feelings and actions truly driven by the desires of their hearts. Men were so simple compared to women, though none would ever admit this to the "weaker" sex.

Bella was the most extraordinary example of a woman I had ever seen. It wasn't just the allure of her blood anymore. I wanted to devour her soul. I imagined that it would be so sweet. I wanted to be close to her in ways I had not imagined I would ever feel, and now I fought even harder to restrain myself just when I had given in to the idea of having her and making her mine forever.

Bella slept fitfully through the night, waking twice to ask me to hold her closer and I happily obliged. Peering into her mind was more difficult when she slept, because her dreams were so full of half truths and fears. It was hard to sort out what she was really feeling. I began shutting her thoughts out during the night and at any time that she wasn't fully awake. Even her daydreams were confusing.

I combed through her soft hair with my hands and traced the features of her face with my fingertips. Finally, Bella sighed deeply and fell asleep as I felt her body relax.

Just before dawn, Bella cried out in her sleep. It was a pained scream and though I knew that it was only caused by a nightmare she'd been having, it troubled me to think that something was hurting her. Try as I might to gently wake her, she slept on -grimacing and muttering something unintelligible. I allowed my mind to meld with hers.

The dream she was suffering through was the darkest one I had experienced with her yet. She was running from Jacob and the pack and she saw me in the distance, but she could never seem to reach me. A herd of deer scattered wildly ahead of Bella as she ran, kicking up musty rotting leaves that littered the forest floor as they fled the pack of wolves trailing them. I watched helplessly -a trespasser in her dream scape- as she stumbled and fell on the cold ground. She wrapped her arms around her midsection and cried out again. Her pregnancy was obvious here. She was suffering the pain of contractions and she glanced fearfully over her shoulder as the whole Quilluete pack swiftly closed in on her.

I wanted to shake her awake, but I was locked in this nightmare with her. I wished that I could reach her in the dream and convince her to wake herself up, but I could only watch from the shadows -an outsider looking into her deepest thoughts.

From this point, the dream became more vivid. My point of view bounced back and forth between Bella's and my own. The advancing pack thundered through the woods and finally reached Bella before she could pick herself up from the ground. Her face was shadowed by the trees towering over her, but the sparse moonlight that filtered through the thick canopy above lit her features enough to show her lips curled into a feral grin.

I was startled by this sudden change in Bella's expression, but then I remembered how her thoughts had been so chaotic lately. It only made sense that that chaos would transfer into her dreams as well.

A pain shot through Bella again and she pressed one hand to her swollen belly while she held herself off of the ground with the other. I watched in horror as Jacob approached. As he neared, she lifted her hands to her face and they were covered in blood. But rather than fear in her eyes now I saw something else. There was a hunger there, one that was all to familiar to me.

"Bella, no!" the dream Jacob screamed at her.

And I saw through Bella's eyes in the dream that the blood did not belong to her, but to a fawn that still struggled to free itself from beneath Bella's weight. She had one knee on the infant deer's throat and blood pumped steadily from a gash she had inflicted with her bare hands. She slipped a finger into her mouth and moaned as she tasted the warm blood.

Bella looked not at the wolves, but to me in her dream -the me that her mind had conjured- and that self walked up to her calmly and pulled her to her feet, she clung to the bleeding deer -clutching it like a child's teddy bear. The pack surrounded the two of us now and Bella clutched at her stomach again. Fear sprang to her eyes now. I knew it was time for the baby to be brought into this world but Bella's thoughts pleaded with me to take her away from the pack and the woods.

I prepared to watch the wolves and my dream self engage in full out war as I helped Bella escape the openness of the forest. The fight never came. The wolves all backed away, but Jacob -in his human form remained. He simply followed Bella and I a few feet behind as we left the woods and instantly -as happens sometimes in dreams- we were standing in my room.

Bella held onto my arm with a desperate and almost vampire like grip as pain after pain shot through her. Jacob backed against a wall and sat down -watching and waiting for his child to be born. The bleeding deer was here in the room with us and it stumbled around fighting to hold onto life. None of us paid attention to it's whimpers and cries.

Howls from outside mingled with familiar voices which echoed through the night. I knew that the shouts and growls were those of the pack and my family. Though they were not here with us in the room, I knew that Bella's mind had placed them in the dream, because she knew that they were just as affected by this baby's existence as any of the three of us.

In the dream, I gently lifted Bella off of her feet and placed her onto the bed that I had bought especially for the two of us. She writhed in agony for what seemed like hours and then she began to cry. I reached out to wipe away her tears and comfort her, but I could not touch her. Instead I saw Jacob walk slowly to her side.

"This pain is all your own doing, Bella," he whispered into her ear. "All of the hurt that you caused me is what you're feeling now. Do what has to be done and leave me with my child...and then die for all I care." I knew that in reality Jacob didn't feel this way. He would gladly die in Bella's place, but in her mind he hated her for all of this. And so her subconscious had twisted the idea of Jacob into this devil that stood by and wished her pain.

Bella screamed again in agony and I felt myself being pinned to the wall by a force that I could not see. This was a dream and I was not in control of the events that unfolded before my eyes. Hot tears that I had not been able to feel in a century streamed down my face and I fought to get to Jacob's throat. I meant to kill him when I got my hands on him. I was feeling Bella's dream. I was part of it. It hurt so much to watch her torture herself, but I had let myself be pulled into her mind and now I felt trapped by what she was feeling.

Bella turned toward me and she winced as her eyes locked on mine. She begged me to kill her and I tried my hardest to wake her then. Not only was she saying this in the dream, she was beginning to say it in her sleep -out loud. Loud enough for anyone to hear, including her father who slept mere feet from where we were. I didn't want her to wake him. He would surely come and investigate what was causing the ruckus in his daughter's room.

I lifted Bella into my arms and kissed her face gently, whispering her name and urging her to wake up quickly. She fought against me for a while and then her requests to die were replaced by the most heartbreaking sobs.

"Bella, wake up, love. You're having a nightmare," I coaxed her gently.

"...but I don't want to leave...no," she sobbed.

"Bella, it's okay. I'm here. Wake up."

"...why won't you stay?..I'm so sorry...I'm...," she cried as she still struggled in her sleep.

It broke my heart to hear her cry so pitifully, though she was only hurting herself with the dream that she so stubbornly refused to wake from.

"Bella? Bella, you're dreaming, love. Wake-"

Her words stopped me short.

"I'm so sorry," she whimpered as she nuzzled into my neck. "I love you, stay with me, pleeeeease."

I couldn't bring myself to dig back into her mind while she wasn't fully conscious.

"Bella, honey? Please, please wake up! Look at me, please," I pleaded anxiously with her as her eyes finally slid sleepily open.

_Who did she love? Was she begging Jacob to stay?_

I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to know the answer, but just then Bella's angelic smile lit her face and warm tears pooled in her weary eyes.

"Oh, God. Edward I thought you'd left me forever." Bella wrapped both of her arms tightly around me and buried her face in my chest.

"Everything will be alright, Bella. I will never leave you -never again. I promised you, remember?" I kissed the top of her head and she looked up into my eyes.

"You're hungry," she whispered with a startled expression on her face, "and you'll have to leave me to feed, Edward...just please don't leave me alone..and I can't see Jake..and I..I..," and then she lowered her gaze.

"I was having the most horrible dream, and I couldn't make you stay and the baby..."

I knew that Bella wouldn't finish what she was about to say. Many times in the past few weeks she had said that she was ready to talk about the baby, but so far she had not been able to bring herself to say anything significant at all. It was as if she thought saying it out loud made it more real and if she kept her thoughts to herself she could delay the inevitable.

To my surprise she continued what she had been stumbling through.

"Jake wanted the baby and he was going to take it from me, Edward. As soon as the baby was born, he was going to take it away and leave me." Bella's voice was a mere whisper, but there was such desperation in it, "I was dying. I know I was and you kept backing away from me. I begged you to just kill me -to change me, but you just turned and walked away from me...and...and..," Bella burst into tears before she could say anymore.

I held her closer than I ever had before. Her heart skipped a beat and she drew in her breath sharply. I could sense that she felt I was telling the truth. In her mind I saw the love she felt for me surpass all that she had ever felt for the dog, but there was something else there, too. There was a pang of guilt -of loss. I wasn't sure what Bella was feeling and although I probed her mind for the answer, I found none.

I kept a strong arm around her and with one hand reached into my pocket and flipped open my phone.

_"Alice, tell me that you still see her smiling. Good. Then I want you to do me a favor. Come over now. No, just you will be fine. You can pick up Esme in the morning, but Bella needs you here tonight. I'll tell you when you get here. Yes, that's exactly what I'm planning on doing. Because if I don't do it now, Alice, I'm afraid that I might kill him this time for sure. It's been too long since I wasn't hungry."_

_**(A/N: This chapter is set five weeks after Bella's night with Jacob and follows the chapter 16 closely. Jake's last POV chapter was a flashback to when he found out that Bella was..well, you know...:p. So just to catch us all up, next chapter will be BxExJ and I can promise that there will be major fireworks!)**_


	19. Chapter 19

_**(A/N: Obviously these are not my characters. They belong to the great Stephenie Meyer. May inspiration strike her often and may her words fly onto the shelves in the form of volumes and volumes of excellent stories for we the humble readers to devour.)**_

**_This is an extra long chapter by my standards. Hope you enjoy and I'll try not to leave you hangin' on that cliff for too long. ;) I apologize for any mistakes in grammar and otherwise in the last section especially. I did my best to get this out to you quickly and I may have forgone the usual fine tooth comb method that I try to always employ. Many, many thanks to my sweetheart of a beta-reader...Miss Athena Volturi. For she pours her heart into my stories as much as I do. Thanks, A! Love ya much!_**

_**Lying in the Bed I Made**_

_**(BPOV)**_

When the muted sunlight filtered into my room, Edward was sitting on the edge of the bed talking to Alice and Esme, who were standing nonchalantly against the door frame.

"Morning," I yawned. "Umm...what're you all doing here? What time is it?"

"Is she always this incoherent?" Alice giggled.

"She's just tired more often now, aren't you, Sweetie?" Esme walked over to me grinning and pressed her palms to my cheeks the way my own mother did when I was little and I had done something cute.

_Tired_. That was an understatement.

I smiled weakly at Esme and Alice frowned behind her. I could tell that she didn't believe my smile was genuine. She knew that I wasn't my normal, disgruntled self this morning. I couldn't hide anything from Alice.

"So," Edward said to Alice as she walked up beside him. He pulled her to his side, "the three of you ladies are going out for a day on the town today?"

Alice answered him without ever turning away from me. "If that's what Bella wants".

I saw Edward's grip tighten slightly on Alice's arm. It was a gesture so slight that I never would have noticed before. Edward pulled Alice down gently and whispered something in her ear, but if she heard him she gave no indication. Then suddenly, Alice's head jerked up and she glared at Edward with a look that could chill anyone's blood. _If looks could kill _-I thought to myself.

"Funny," Edward smiled. "That's just what Alice was thinking".

I kept forgetting that he could read my thoughts now, loud and clear just like any other person. I hated it and loved it at the same time. It made it easy to let him know what I was feeling, but it was embarrassing to have him know the intimate thoughts that I normally would never share with anyone.

There were times when my hormones sent my sex drive reeling and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to leave both of our clothes lying in shreds around us. I could tell when Edward picked up on those thoughts. A knowing smile played on his angelic face and he had a hard time looking me in the eyes when we spoke. I knew he was also fighting that urge.

More terrible than those embarrassments might be,were the times when my mind slipped and my thoughts centered around the baby...and his or her father. I tried so hard to keep myself from thinking about Jacob. I knew that the constant phone calls must be him, but I pretended not to notice the incessant ringing of Charlie's phone.

I found that when Jake did cross my mind, talking to Edward actually helped. It didn't even have to be about Jake, just the baby. Edward actually seemed to enjoy talking about that. His eyes lit up and if he had a problem with it, he hid it well enough from me that I was starting to become more and more comfortable with our conversations of the impending future.

What I kept to myself and hoped with all my heart that he didn't hear, were the bleak thoughts that grew darker as my middle swelled larger. I didn't really want to be a mother. Not now, not ever. My mind had been made up for months now. I wanted my eternal life with Edward and there was never a thought of children.

Briefly, and only briefly, I had imagined what it would have been like to grow old with Jacob and raise a family with him -my sun. But that was only a fleeting idea, and a stupid one at that. Jake was my friend. He was my best friend and that's the way things should have stayed. I ruined everything.

Edward drew in a sharp breath. I looked up to find my angel looking at me with a sweet smile on his face. He knew what was on my mind. It was that knowing smile again. He brushed my cheek with the tip of his forefinger and I closed my eyes, surrendering all my thoughts to him.

"I love you, Bella. Have a good time today."

"What's going on, Edward?" My mind was beginning to come out of the fog of sleep.

"Esme and Alice are going to keep you company today...if that's okay with you, Love."

"Um. Well, okay. But where are you going?" Then I remembered the horrible dream that had kept me from resting last night and that Edward was so hungry. I had been keeping him from hunting for too long. He was in desperate need of a "meal".

"Oh," was all I could say. The idea of having to live off of blood still sickened me a bit, though I knew it was my eventual fate as well. Lately in my dreams I had begun to see myself savoring the metallic taste more and more often. I had begun to hunt in those dreams and sometimes as awful as it was, it stirred a deep pleasure in me at the same time. I was only beginning to really understand the gnawing hunger that the Cullens all fought so hard to resist.

"I won't be gone long, Bella. I promise."

"And we have so much to talk about," Esme gushed. "I haven't gotten to spend much time with you lately and I've missed you."

Edward leaned down and gently placed a kiss on my forehead. He rose to leave, but I grabbed his arm before he could turn to go. He looked startled for a moment. It was still new to the both of us that my reflexes were so much quicker now.

I pulled him down to meet my mouth and kissed him fiercely. It didn't take him long to respond. Normally, I would have felt embarrassed to have his family witness such a display, but this morning was different. A feeling of reckless abandon rocked through me...and I liked it.

Edward's eyes shot open as his mental link to me picked up the racy thoughts I was suddenly having. I felt his lips curve into a smile. When I finally broke the kiss, he was still smiling, but his eyes became serious. His lips grazed my ear as he whispered, "Soon, Bella. I promise."

I bit my lip. He knew what I was thinking...and it wasn't about his quick return. It was about his quick return to my bed, and the many things that I wanted to do to him.

"Keep her safe," he ordered Alice and Esme, but his eyes were locked on mine.

* * *

_**(JPOV)**_

Accepting the fact that legends were sometimes based on truth I could handle. Accepting the fact that I might never grow old was easy. Accepting the fact that Bella, the girl I loved more than life itself, was pregnant and that I was the father of her baby was more overwhelming knowledge than even this werewolf could digest.

And more than that, I would be the father of our baby, but never be in Bella's arms again. She would always be in my life, but never attainable. Would I still have to grieve her death someday or had our child changed all that?

I was in no way ready to be a father. Hell, I was still adjusting to this new life that had been dropped on me like a bombshell. I suddenly saw my own father in a new light. He truly was a saint for graciously putting up with my antics. Would it have been different if mom had still been around? Not only had he been there for me through the ups and downs of a normal boy's life, he had stepped up to the challenge of helping mold a monster into a man. And he had done it alone.

What did I have to offer a child in this world? I had no life experience. Not really. Bella had been the one and only love that I had ever had. If it were entirely up to me, she would be the last. I fought back fears every day that I might imprint as the others did and that Bella wouldn't wind up my life mate. That would be worse than death in my opinion.

That brought me back around to Bella's choice to be with Edward- would she still choose to be a vampire? What about our baby; would he or she be in danger from his or her own mother? I tried not to add things yet to happen to the list of things I already worried about.

Technically, even if I hated to admit it, I was still just a kid. Only sixteen years old, though my appearance said otherwise, I was in _no_ shape to be a parent. God, I ached to see her and hold her. All this time and I hadn't known -hadn't even imagined that she had conceived a child. Of all the things that had transpired over the past months, this was the most surreal.

I had just decided to call Bella's house and ask to speak with her for the thousandth time, when the door to my room slammed open and in stalked Cullen -teeth bared like a wild animal ready to attack.

"If you dare hurt her any more in _any_way, I will find you and tear your heart out," he snarled and then sat down beside me on my bed as calmly as if he were Quil or Embry dropping by for a friendly visit.

"So, I guess she's been dreaming again, huh?"

"Nightmares, Jacob. Nothing as sweet as a dream in weeks now". He sighed and closed his eyes. I knew that I didn't have to apologize for Bella's nightmares, but I still felt responsible for the fact that she wasn't resting at night.

* * *

_**(EPOV)**_

The smell of dog ordinarily would have made me nauseous, but I held my breath so that I could sit down on the bed. Though technically unable to be tired, I was mentally exhausted. Dodging Bella's brooding thoughts had been wearing on me. I left her shortly after dawn with Alice and Esme so that I might prepare for this conversation that I was having with Jacob.

I drove an hour away from Forks and then ran through the woods for at least another thirty minutes at lightning speed so that I was deep in the forest, miles from any treaty lines. I fed for a solid hour on any woodland creature unlucky enough to cross my path. I was ravenous. The hunt brought no pleasure at all to me today. I was only concerned about gorging on the warm life blood that would help me to remain in control should my anger and hatred of Jacob Black get the better of me.

Today would be the first of many difficult days to follow. What I was about to ask of him turned my stomach, but Bella needed him. I didn't know what else to do, but I had a feeling that he might be what she needed to pull out of this depression that she was spiraling down into.

I only hoped that I could be clever enough and vigilant enough to keep their "friendship" from progressing into something more than it already was. I'd already lost enough to him.

* * *

**(JPOV)**

Edward had not only refused to let me see Bella since the day that I had spoken with her, he also refused to let me speak with her when I called. I could have just gone there and forced myself into the house past him, but I didn't want to upset her. He kept telling me that she didn't want to see me, and I knew, unfortunately, that _was_ possible after all that had transpired between us.

What troubled me now was that when I did call lately to check on her, Edward or Alice, and once even Jasper, had mentioned that Bella hadn't been sleeping well because of the horrible nightmares that she had started having. None of them would elaborate, so I assumed that _I_ must have played a role in her bad dreams. As of late, all the answered phone calls sounded the same:

"If you would just let me talk to her-"

"Just shut up and listen, pup. I will not allow you to be that close to her until I know that I can trust you with her, and besides," he smiled that crooked, wicked smile," she doesn't want to see you".

A slew of emotions boiled up from deep within me, all of them with Bella at the center. I loved her still. No matter how hard I tried to push her from my heart, I couldn't. She was sewn into the very fiber of my being. She was and would always be a part of me, and now the two of us would be bound together forever by the family that we had unwittingly begun.

I hated being the one left in the dark, alone, while _he_ undoubtedly lay next to her every night and spent every glorious moment of each day with her. Jealousy was too gentle a word for what I felt about that. I longed to be the one she clung to each night. It terrified me that I would never hold her in my arms again, even as a friend. And if Edward had his way, that's exactly what would happen.

He was surely reveling in my defeat. I had unintentionally forged my own fate with Bella and he had been able to rush back to mold the pieces of it into his own design. I had made my own untidy bed, as Billy would have said, and now I had to lie in it -though I would have chosen a much more comfortable one. At least I knew Bella would always be in my life now. My mind wandered for a second to a memory of how sweet it felt to have Bella in my arms; Her skin, her heat, and even the words that really hadn't been meant for me.

"Not even in your dreams, dog." Edward rose so quickly from the bed that it was a split second before I realized that he was on the other side of the small room pressed tightly against the door.

"Always in my dreams, bloodsucker. She will always be there on my mind and there's not a damn thing that you can do about that."

I didn't smile. There was nothing to smile about. The thought that she might forever remain a distant dream to me was hell here on earth, but for now I was out of ideas. I couldn't come up with any brilliant scheme to turn her heart away from Cullen and almost as bad was that he knew this.

''Wait. Why are you here? Is she with you? Bella?" I got up from the bed and made my way to where he stood at the door.

"She's with Alice and Esme. I came here _alone_...to discuss something with you".

"And I suppose I should feel privileged that you chose to come _alone_ and see me, without supervision of both the pack and your coven?"

I crossed my arms and this time I did smile. He must have some stupid reason for being here. I wouldn't just roll over for him. If he wanted something from me, he was going to have to fight to get it. He'd already taken the one thing that meant anything to me -Bella. Everything else mattered little, but I'd be damned if I'd offer my services to this leech for free.

"I need your help with something...well, Bella does and she doesn't even know it." Edward ran his hands over his face and through his hair, as though the thought of asking _me_ to help _him _was a tiresome chore.

"This is not a request, Jacob. You owe her this much at least".

"What in God's name are you rambling on about? I will do anything for her that I can, but why the secrecy? Just spit it out!" I was running low on patience for this guy.

Cullen's hateful glare said what he wouldn't.

"She doesn't know that you're here, _does she_?"

_What was he up to? I didn't trust him, but if there was a chance that Bella really needed me -for anything at all- I was at his service. Damn, I hated that._

* * *

_**(BPOV)**_

"So," I began cautiously, "what's the game plan, ladies?"

Esme and Alice exchanged delighted glances, but chose to leave me in the dark. After another moment's silence I prodded them for at least a hint of what the day held.

"Please, Alice. You know how I hate surprises!"

But Alice was as unwavering as always. Rather than argue with her, I swung my feet off the side of the bed and stretched -willing my muscles to wake up even if I wasn't quite so ready to.

"Here, these are for you. I thought of you when I saw them the other day. I think they'll fit you perfectly." Esme reached into a bag and handed a silky blue bundle to Alice who nodded and took them from her.

I looked suspiciously at the two of them and realized that they both were wearing identical, ridiculous-looking grins. I glanced down to see that their stares were directed at my swollen midsection. To my surprise, I had not noticed how big I was getting.

"God, I shouldn't even look pregnant yet! Ugh!"

"I think you look lovely," Esme offered as she slipped an arm around my shoulder.

"Esme! I'm huge! How am I gonna hide _this_ from Charlie?" I was near tears.

"Shh. Hush now. That's what the new wardrobe is for," Esme squeezed me gently.

"Wardrobe?" I felt the hot tears begin to subside. I would not cry today. I didn't need to feel any more foolish than I did most of the time.

I looked at Alice who stepped aside and opened my closet door to reveal a whole new rainbow of colorful garments.

"This is what we're telling Edward we did today -shop."

I was flooded with awe over the care and thoughtfulness of my family, when Alice's words dawned on me. "Then what are we _actually_ doing?"

"We're going on a little road trip. Are you game?" Esme laughed at Alice who winked and clicked her tongue at me.

I laughed despite myself. "Alright, Thelma and Louise, where exactly are we going?" I shot Esme a pretend scared look. "There aren't any cliffs involved, right? I don't think I'm up for any extreme sports just yet!"

"No," she laughed, "but I know you'll enjoy the view."

* * *

**(EPOV)**

Listening to his thoughts made me want to vomit. Bella had already proven time and again that she loved _me_, although her actions might have told the dog otherwise. I knew with every fiber of my being that she and I were forever. What she shared with him had been a mistake, but with that misfortune came something beautiful -a child that I would gladly share with Bella as our own. Jacob may share this baby's genes, but I felt already the way an overprotective father does about his own child.

"Look, do-..I mean, Jacob. Bella is what I came here to discuss with you. No hidden agendas. I am telling you with all honestly that _that_ is why I'm here. She's in trouble right no-"

"What's wrong? Where is she?" the dog jumped and started toward the door without waiting to hear my answer. I couldn't help but laugh at his reaction.

"Well?" He asked -finally turning to look at me for an answer.

"Not that kind of trouble."

"This is getting old, _Edward_." He spat out my name as if it were poison. "Where is she? What kind of trouble is she in?"

"I'm worried about her. I don't like the things I've been seeing in her mind lately."

"Wait...what?"

"Something happened a while back," I explained, "now I can see her thoughts just like everyone else's."

"And you don't like what you see? So what? What did you expect, roses and sunshine and happy little ponies?"

He was starting to irritate with me with his childish sarcasm.

I considered for a moment how good it would feel to snap his neck like a twig, but decided that would do nothing to help Bella -so I closed my eyes and pictured how beautiful she looked now, with the subtle glow of pregnancy.

I let out a deep sigh. I had been holding my breath the entire time, but the idea of sliding into bed with Bella soon took that breath away.

"It's not like that, Jacob. Her thoughts...scare me sometimes."

Jacob stared at me with squinted eyes, trying to burn a hole in me with his glare. I could almost see a hint of a grin cross his face.

"She thinks about hurting herself sometimes...and worse," I hoped he didn't want details. I didn't think I could relate all the bitter feelings that Bella held inside. I definitely didn't want to go into all the twisted dreams she had been unwillingly sharing with me.

"And her dreams? What's been keeping her up at night--they're about me, right?" I could sense the sadness in his voice. I knew that his defenses were already melting. He would help her,even if it was me who was asking --no matter what I might ask of him.

"So, what do you have in mind? What is it that you want me to do for her? Just name it. Anything."

* * *

**(BPOV) **

The drive was more soothing than I had imagined it could be.

I sat in the back seat, at my request, so that I could stretch out if I wanted to. The bursts of energy that I had started experiencing recently had faded until they were nearly a mere memory now. -Or so I thought.

I felt the first little tingle in my left foot, followed by my right. The sensation was, at first, like the pins and needles when some part of you falls asleep. Then it spread. Up my legs, through my torso, out to the tips of my fingers...and to the very top of my head until I could feel each hair stand on end as if they each had a life of their own.

"Alice, stop the car!"

The brakes squealed as the car skidded to a halt in the middle of the highway. Luckily, there were no other cars on this particular stretch of road.

Alice was in the back seat with me before I could blink.

"What's wrong? Is it time? It can't be. I'm not ready!" Alice was squealing now and I laughed until she grabbed me and shook my shoulders.

"BELLA! What's wrong with you?" Her eyes looked as if they were going to pop out of her head. Esme stood just outside of the open car door looking over Alice's shoulder. Alice had climbed in on all fours and was nearly on my lap. Her face was just inches from mine.

"Alice.." I giggled, "you look like...a dog...ha ha ha ha."

Esme was laughing now, too. "It's good to hear that sound coming from you, dear. Now, just what was the emergency that sent Alice into near hysterics?"

"I need to stretch. My skin feels like it's crawling. I want to run!"

Alice was still staring at me from only inches away. "What has gotten into you?"

I started to say "a puppy" but then, I didn't think Alice would laugh..and for that matter I didn't really think I'd laugh either if I had to think about it much.

"I think those bouts of boundless strength and energy have begun to surge again. I feel like I could run a marathon." I opened my door and left Alice in her crouched position in the backseat. I stretched like I had been living in a box for a month.

I bent down and peered into the back of the car. Alice wasn't there. A hand grabbed my arm from behind and I screamed.

"Oh, God! I'm sorry! Shh. Calm down, it's just me." Alice was running her words together in a panic.

I exhaled a huge sigh of relief and smiled at Alice.

"Alright, captain. All better now. Shall we venture on to...where is it that you're taking me, anyway?" Neither she nor Esme had mentioned yet just what our secret plans for the day were. Alice just grimaced and held my door open, motioning me back into the car.

* * *

_**(JPOV)**_

The thought of hurting Bella even now -in dreams- struck me with as much force as a blow delivered by the devil himself. I would do anything to ease her suffering, but this was all getting to be just a bit too much. I hated having the leech invade my space, and to top it off he was here giving me directions as to how to act around Bella.

He was literally telling me what I could and couldn't say to her. He was reigning me in so that she and I couldn't become anything more than friends...and he actually thought I would go along with it.

"Damn right you will," Edward cut in on my thoughts. "Either you do as I ask you to, or I will find another way to lift Bella's spirits. Do not think for one minute that I would risk giving you the opportunity to take advantage of her again."

The way he put it into words cut me like a knife. I would never take advantage of any girl, let alone the only one I loved.

"But you did, Jacob. And now look where it's gotten us?"

"Would you please stop doing that! And what do you mean **"where it's gotten **_**us**_**"**? Are you assuming some role in Bella's relationship with me?"

I was growing angry at his pompous, overbearing attitude. Just who did he think he was? Technically, the only guy in Bella's life who really mattered right now was me. We were having a baby -obviously she needed me, but he was taking it upon himself to make her decisions for her. I wasn't going to let him keep me from her any longer. This was as much as I could take.

"Calm down, mutt. There is no need for you to get all bent out of shape -or change shape for that matter."

I stifled the building growl in my chest. I could feel the hair prickling on the back of my neck. My skin felt as if it was about to split apart. I inhaled slowly and deeply, fighting back the change.

The words that left my mouth were more growl than speech.

"I should rip you apart just for interfering in her life. You are the real reason that Bella has been hurt so much. _YOU_ are the reason for _THIS_."

Before I could act to stop myself, I felt my form split and fold in on itself. Hands and feet were replaced by huge paws. Backbone snapped and twisted into a more aerodynamic form, ending in a long bushy tail. Jaws snapped together, razor sharp teeth filling a mouth that was now incapable of speech. I felt the urge to lash out and tear into the monster in front of me who paraded as a man.

But I didn't.

I remembered how sad Bella's eyes had been when she had no Edward. I remembered how she wrapped her arms around herself as if to close a gaping hole that he had left when he abandoned her. I wouldn't be the cause for that hole to open up again. So instead, I became the snarling dog curled up in the corner. I stopped growling and projected my thoughts to Edward. There was barely enough room for the two of us to be in the house together, let alone my tiny bedroom. I felt caged.

_**This**__ is who I am. This is a part of my life, because of you. And now Bella's baby -__**my baby **__will suffer the unfortunate side effects of fur and a tail one day, too. That is unless you finally decide to stay very, very far away from us._

"That is not what Bella wants, though. She and I are meant to be together, Jacob, and nothing will come between us."

_Whatever you say. Now let's just get this over with, shall we? What's your great plan to "cheer up" Bella?_

"Alice and Esme are already working on the first part. We have to wait and see how that goes before we proceed any further. I have to know how she reacts to what they have planned for her today." He stopped for a second and seemed to be considering something. Then he turned his back on me and pulled his phone from his pocket.

"Alice? Everything okay?"

Edward turned and stared at me, his face in a pinched expression looked as though he was not at all pleased with what he was hearing.

"I thought the three of you were going shopping? Okay, then why don't you inform me as to the agenda of the _new_ plan. Then why does it seem that you're keeping something from me, Alice? Tell me where you are. Why?" Edward paced a few times and then stopped dead still.

I see," he said with a sigh. Then suddenly his eyes grew wide and he slammed his phone shut and back into his pocket.

"Change back, now!"

_**Because? **_

Back to ordering me around again… Did he really imagine that I was a pet, willing to be put through it's paces?

"Because a giant dog isn't going to fit in my car and we have to go! Now!"

* * *

_**(BPOV)**_

"Is she asleep?" I heard Alice whisper to Esme. I smiled to myself, wondering what secret Alice might divulge while I played 'possum in the back of the car.

I did my best sleeping Bella impression while Esme checked to see if I was awake.

"Bella, honey?" she whispered. I didn't respond. "Yes, I think she's out. Why?"

"Because my phone is vibrating and I'm sure you can guess who it is calling. Take the wheel for a second."

I peeked out from one squinted eye to see Alice dig in her jacket pocket for her phone.

"Yes, Edward? Everything's fine. Well, we did have to make an emergency stop so that your sweetheart could stretch her superwoman muscles."

I giggled, imagining how irritated Alice must have looked telling Edward that I had set back her plans for the day -whatever they might be. Alice glanced back over her shoulder just as I squeezed my eyes shut again. If she knew that I was only pretending to sleep, she didn't say anything.

I felt the car slow down and turn left. We stopped and Alice cut the engine. I was so eager to see where we were that I almost blew my cover, but Alice's conversation with Edward picked up once more and I quieted my urge to peek out the window.

I could faintly hear Edward on the other end of Alice's phone.

"I thought the three of you were going shopping?" Edward asked Alice. He seemed worried. Alice _really_ hadn't told him where we were really going, either. He was just as in the dark about this as I was.

"Well, yes. That was the original plan, but Esme and I agreed that this would be even better."

"Okay, then why don't you inform me as to the agenda of the _new_ plan?" Even from where I was I could hear the displeasure in Edward's voice.

"Don't worry, Edward. Everything will be fine. I promise."

"Then why does it seem that you're keeping something from me, Alice?"

"I'm not keeping anything from you. I'm sure Bella will tell you about it later." Alice was beginning to sound almost as impatient as I felt, but I dared not interrupt her, because I wanted to see where this conversation was going.

"Tell me where you are."

"We're at a clinic just outside of Seattle," Alice noted as if it were perfectly normal that I should be going to a clinic. I realized suddenly that she didn't say what kind of clinic. My nerves were raw. I didn't know what I was feeling.

"Why?" Edward questioned.

"It doesn't really matter, does it? This will make Bella happy. You'll see." And with that Alice hung up her phone.

* * *

_**(JPOV) **_

I was seriously pissed that Cullen was still telling me what to do, but it seemed that something was very wrong. Otherwise, he would have been more careful not to push me when I was in this form. I begrudgingly changed back to my human form and strode swiftly after him to his car.

Neither of us spoke, although questions loomed heavily over me. Was Bella in danger again? Was the baby okay?

Edward didn't respond to my unspoken wonderings. I turned toward him as I slid into the passenger side of his car. It reeked of vampire. I would have offered to drive myself, but I realized that I had no idea where we were heading to.

"Where are we going, exactly?" I pressed as we shot out of the driveway and sped toward Forks.

"Near Seattle. A clinic." I couldn't blame him for being short with me. I really wasn't in the mood for talking either.

Clinic. The word sent shivers down my spine.

* * *

_**(EPOV)**_

"A clinic? Wait...what _kind_ of clinic?" I appreciated the panic in Jacob's voice.

"I don't know, but any kind of clinic is bad. What in God's name is Alice thinking?" I was talking to myself as much as to Jacob. Carlilse was a doctor and he was the only doctor that Bella should reasonably be seeing. What was Alice doing? She was putting all of us at risk of exposure by taking Bella into a medical establishment.

"You don't think that...that..," he stuttered, unable to finish his question.

"Do I think that it's _that_ kind of clinic?" I turned to face Jacob who looked sick with the same worry that I felt.

"Well, _do_ you?"

"I don't know. I honestly don't know what to think. I can't imagine that Esme or even Alice for that matter would consider taking Bella to an abortion clinic." The words were bitter in my mouth.

After all the sickening, twisted dreams that Bella had, I still would never believe that she would terminate the pregnancy. I hoped with all my might that I was right. But then I remembered quickly how much Bella had changed in such a short time. She had been through a lot lately -more than most women would be able to handle- and some part of her was still in denial. Maybe that denial would make it easy for her to undo her condition with a procedure that I did not want to think about.

"Well, what did they say? Whoever was on the phone, did they say where they were?"

"In a way, yes."

"_In a way_. What's that suppose to mean?" he looked at me, puzzled.

"Alice didn't say where they were, but she was thinking it." I failed to mention that in her thoughts I caught the name of the clinic. -_**West Grove Women's Services**_- I didn't like the sound of _women's services_.

I shifted gears and the speedometer buried in the red. I didn't know exactly how fast we were going, but I knew that it was at least twice the legal limit, possibly more. There was no time to waste. I couldn't let Bella go through with an abortion. If she were herself, then I knew that she would be disgusted by the idea. As much love as she felt for me, a monster, I knew that she would harbor no ill feelings toward a helpless baby.

Jacob shifted uncomfortably in his seat and the thoughts that played over and over in his head were the same ones I was thinking.

_Please, Bella, don't do it. Oh, God, please don't let it be too late. _


	20. Chapter 20

**An Undying Love**

**(BPOV)**

I don't know what I expected to happen next, but panic rose within me the likes of which I have never experienced. I wanted to rip the door off the hinges and bolt toward home and Edward. I was so consumed with my paranoia that I had missed the exchange of words between Esme and Alice.

"Bella, dear. We're here." Esme's gentle hand on my shoulder startled me and I whimpered as my eyes flew open.

Esme's eyes were dancing with some happiness that I could not comprehend. Where were we? Why was she so excited? I had never thought that any of Edward's family meant me any harm. Even Jasper was innocent of his actions. I could not, even now, blame him for what his instincts told him to do.

But in that moment all I knew vanished from thought and I realized in horror that I was in the care of two beings who could do and probably had done worse things than I could ever imagine. I tried to hide my sudden terror.

My heart leaped up into my throat. Did Alice misjudge me completely? Did she expect that I could suddenly walk into a women's clinic and dispose of the child in my womb like it was a malignant growth -a cancer that I would be relieved to live without?

I shook my head, eyes closed and wrapped my arms around me to mimic Edward's embrace, trying to bring myself to my senses. No. Alice would never think that I could do that, and even if that were possible, Esme would not dream of escorting me to a place where abortions took place, _would_ _she?_

That couldn't be the case here. Alice and Esme were happy -ecstatic even. They would never hurt me. They had saved me on a number of occasions, from my circumstances and myself. I was being ridiculous.

How had I ever gotten it into my head that Edward's family, who were just as much my family now, would hurt me?

"Idiot," I said out loud to myself.

"Um...what am I missing?" Esme mused, the smile still on her face.

I hadn't meant to think out loud, and I grinned at my faux paus.

"Sorry, I, um...I...nevermind," I muttered as I righted myself into the seat. "So, where are we?"

Alice and Esme smiled their secretive smiles at me. I wanted to strangle Alice for keeping this adventure's purpose hidden from me, but I just rolled my eyes and opened my door.

* * *

**(EPOV)**

A car lurched into my lane, pulling out directly in front of me. I swerved hard into the oncoming lane and narrowly avoided a head-on collision with an eighteen wheeler. Normally I would have heard the other driver's thoughts and anticipated their moves, but all I could think about was Bella and the only thoughts I cared about were my own and the nonstop curses that spewed from the werewolf beside me.

Why didn't I just run? I should never have gone to see Jacob. He had no place in Bella's life now and soon he wouldn't be able to see her anyway -the pack wouldn't allow that.

Once the baby was born she and I would be married and then I would fulfill my promise to make her mine in every way. When she was a vampire Sam and the others would never agree to let Jacob anywhere near us.

It would mean war if we came into their territory again. As much as it would please me to wipe away any trace of this mutt from the face of the earth it would only hurt Bella and I was not going to let that happen again.

If only I had followed my gut and ran, then it wouldn't be taking so damn long to get to her. I was pushing my car to it's breaking point and I didn't care. No matter what happened I would do what it took to get to Bella.

West Grove Women's Clinic.

The daintily painted words looked vulgar staring down from the sign above the small building. I sat stunned for a second in the driver's seat, wondering just how long I had been sitting in the parking lot looking out the window, willing my eyes to see through the solid wall.

Alice's car was a few spaces closer to the door from us and I could see clearly enough into her windows to tell that neither she, Esme or my Bella were inside. My stomach lurched with the thought that I was too late. Every part of me was screaming, but I couldn't make myself move from where I sat.

Jacob's voice startled me. Then I realized that he was not speaking to me, but that I was hearing what he was thinking.

_"Too late. We're too late. She wouldn't do it. No, not that. Bella would never...Oh, God! Don't let us be too late. What do I say to her? I don't...We can't be too late..."_

I reacted before I could wrap my mind around a cohesive thought. My feet were carrying me to the door of the clinic much too fast for a human. I didn't care who saw me. No one else in this world mattered. I needed to see her, touch her, hold her.

Giving no thought to the werewolf on my heels, I burst through the clinic waiting room and saw that it was empty.

Empty? What was this? Alice's car was right out front. Where was everyone?

* * *

**(JPOV)**

Bella? What is this, some kind of twisted vampire joke?

I should have just convinced her to stay with me the other day. I shouldn't have allowed him to keep me away. This is all my fault. I...I don't know what to do. I hate this.

* * *

**(EPOV)**

_Voices! I can hear voices. Alice's voice!_

I was so confused by what was happening that it took me a moment to figure out where they were in the building. The lobby looked as if this particular establishment had not been in use for quite some time. What was going on here? I had to find Bella and quickly. Anxiety was not something I was use to.

* * *

**(BPOV)**

"Um..Alice, I don't mean to question you're good intentions, but...well..what exactly are we doing here?"

My hands were shaking and I wanted to puke. I was so nervous that I could feel my heart beating in every part of me. I wasn't just nervous, I was somewhat terrified.

"You are about to get a glimpse of the future, my dear. This is our gift to you," Alice smiled sweetly as she led me through yet another set of doors and into what looked like an exam room. I cringed.

"Bella?" Esme was by my side in a split second. The whole family had become accustomed to having me around now and they had all begun to openly display their various vampire talents. I still wasn't completely use to their stealth and speed. I jumped when her cold but gentle hand brushed against my shoulder.

"Hmm?," was all I could manage.

"You look pale, sweetheart. Are you feeling alright?"

_No, I feel like I'm gonna hurl, run, scream, stop long enough to hurl and then run some more. _

_"_Yeah. I'm great. Just a little anxious. Are you two ever gonna tell me what's going on here?" My voice rose an octave on the last word and I choked back tears.

Esme wrapped her stone arms around me and shushed me, "Oh, honey! You have no need to worry. What did you think that-"

The door slamming open and breaking off of it's hinges cut her short. I was so startled that my scream came out closer to a high pitched squeak.

I didn't have time to catch my breath before Alice was screaming, "Edward! What do you think you're doing?"

I was suddenly in his arms and grateful for his macho appearance. My knight in shining armor was here to rescue me from..._what_? Did I really need this rescue?

"You thought...ahahahahahaha...oh...hahahahaha..Edward! Seriously? Bahahahahahaha-" Alice was laughing so hard that she was nearly doubled over as if in pain.

"But...you...and this place...I...GAH! Alice! Why couldn't you just tell me about this?!" Edward's voice was trembling. I looked up into his eyes and saw such mixed emotions. Relief and anger and plain old frustration. He must have felt my eyes on him because he held me closer and kissed my forehead without even looking directly at me. I caught his glorious scent and moaned with pleasure. So much had changed between us. Lately the changes had been good ones. Now when I was with Edward the smell of him sent me into the most glorious swoon. I really had nothing to compare the feeling to, but I imagined that it was right up there next to an orgasm.

Before I could get too caught up in the moment another entirely different scent hit me hard. Jake. It could only be Jake.

I opened my eyes and my gaze met Jacob's. There was so much pain in his eyes. I frowned at him and I could see tears begin to form there behind his dark lashes. I was so confused. It seemed that Esme was just about to divulge the secret of why she and Alice had brought me to this..this place, when Edward burst in and Jacob had followed. What were the two of them doing here? _Together?_

Finally, Alice managed to catch her breath long enough to stop and look seriously at Edward and me in his arms. "No need to react that way, Edward. She's fine. And so is the baby," she shot a look at Jacob when she said this and then turned her attention back to Edward.

"React what way?" I was more comfortable in Edward's stone arms than I had been all day, but Alice's comment rekindled my curiosity -it was a raging wildfire.

"He was going to run out of here with you in his arms, straight to Carlisle, so that he could check you out properly...and make sure that you were still pregnant." Alice wasn't smiling anymore. "Honestly, Edward. What on earth were you thinking? Don't you know by now that I love her like a sister and that the last thing I would want to do is to cause her any kind of pain?" She shook her head and glared at her brother with a very displeased look on her angelic face.

"Wait...so..," Jake's voice startled me. I had nearly forgotten that he was in the room with us.

"She's fine. They both are," Edward answered Jacob's unasked question, "I misunderstood what I saw. I guess I jumped to conclusions that were very far from the truth, but still-"

Edward turned back to Alice, "Why are we all here? What were you planning on doing in an abandoned women's clinic?"

Esme stepped toward Edward and with her hands, gently guided Edward to lower me onto my own two feet.

"If Bella would step through here with me for a moment, I'll be happy to show you."

Esme grasped my hand and gestured to another room adjacent to the one we were in. I looked to Edward who smiled and nodded at me -assuring me that it was safe to go with Esme. Seeing the endearing way that she looked at me I wondered how I could have ever doubted her good intentions. Stupid Bella. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

* * *

**(JPOV)**

"West Grove Women's Services...hmmm"

_Muttering to himself. Again. What's with him? Stupid bloodsuckers. To be able to move so quickly they sure do take their own sweet time. Hmph. What's going on in there??_

The stupid vampires were taking such a long time with Bella. Why couldn't they just give me a straight answer now and then? And I had to wait out in the hallway with _him_. That was my baby and I wanted to know what in the hell was going on.

_I should just go in there and demand to know what's going on._

Yeah, Bella would just love that.

* * *

**(BPOV)**

Idiot that I am I didn't realize what was going on until the screen came to life in grays, blacks and whites and a whooshing rhythm filled the room.

"Oh my God! Is that...what I think it is?" I wouldn't believe my eyes until my ears had confirmed what I thought I was seeing.

"Yes, Bella. That's your baby," Esme's gentle hands guided the ultrasound probe across my abdomen. All the health classes and parenting books in the world could never have truly prepared me for this moment. The picture was clear. This was a new 3-D imaging unit that Carlilse had procured when Jacob was injured in order to better see that any internal injuries were healing properly. What it showed me now was that I was indeed carrying a living being inside of me and I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotions that I never imagined I could feel.

"Esme? Is that what I think it is?" Alice turned the screen toward herself and Esme and away from me. The two of them stared at the screen as Alice pointed something out. They looked at one another and then at me.

"What? Is something wrong?" No answer.

"What is it? Alice? Esme? Tell me please! Is something wrong with the baby?"

"What? What's wrong?"


	21. Chapter 21

Not So Surprised

(BPOV)

I wanted Edward. I felt like crying out to him like a child for her mother. I could feel my lower lip begin to quiver and bit down on it, careful not to draw blood. Less than a second passed and cool hands were holding mine. Though it was still shocking, I was grateful for vampire speed today.

Edward glanced only briefly at Alice and Esme before turning his eyes toward me. He pulled a chair close to the cot on which I was reclined. Gently, he cupped my face in his hands and lightly kissed my forehead.

For a moment I was more afraid of his actions than reassured, but when I saw him staring intently back at me I knew everything was okay. He was smiling and his happiness extended to his eyes.

Tears still lingered on the fringe of my lashes -threatening to fall, but Edward's hands remained holding my face and with his thumbs he brushed them away.

I couldn't ask any of the burning questions I had about what was going on for fear of breaking into a hysterical crying fit. I was trying desperately to keep my cool, but I was failing miserably. Instead I willed Edward to hear what was going through my head and to my relief, he nodded in acknowledgement of my questions.

"Bella," I cringed, waiting for the bad news, "there is absolutely nothing wrong with the baby."

My eyes flew open and I let out the breath that I'd been holding in a ragged sigh. I looked to Alice who nodded and smiled back at me weakly.

Esme pushed a few buttons and typed in something on the keyboard connected to the ultrasound monitor. I couldn't tell what she was doing, but it didn't matter. I wasn't totally convinced that the baby was okay.

"Edward, you would tell me if anything was wrong, wouldn't you? Please, _please _don't keep anything from me. No secrets, okay?" I didn't try to hide the desperation in my voice.

"No secrets. I promise."

"Even if you think that hiding the truth from me would spare me some emotional breakdown?"

Edward chuckled.

"Yes. Sweetheart, you are stronger than any person I know. Given what you've lived through in the short time that you've known me I can't imagine what would cause you to have any kind of breakdown."

I rolled my eyes at him and heaved a sigh.

"You know that's not true. I am just extremely well looked after and very lucky at surviving my bad luck."

The room filled with Alice and Esme's almost musical laughter. I laughed myself when I realized what a silly statement that had been.

Just then the door burst open, slamming into the wall. I jumped at the noise as a worried Jacob came striding into the room and straight toward me.

Edward gripped my hand for a brief moment and then moved aside before I could protest to allow Jacob to walk directly to where I still sat awkwardly on the cot with my bare belly smeared with jelly. He started to reach out a hand to touch my stomach but I stopped him by grabbing his outstretched hand with both of mine.

"Hi, Jake." A lame hello for the father of my child was all I could muster.

His eyes turned away from my bulging middle and when he looked at me I thought I saw a tear trace down his cheek. My heart sank as I realized that he was as lost as I was. It was hard to see him as a teenager now in the hard muscled body of a man, but his youth showed in his eyes in that moment.

"We'll give you some privacy," Edward said and the three Cullens turned to leave. I saw Jake inconspicuously wipe his hand across his face from the corner of my eye.

"Wait. You can stay."

I was shocked at Jacob's response.

"Gladly," Edward answered. "I just assumed you wanted a private moment with Bella."

"I did, but I changed my mind. I think it's right for you to be here. She needs you."

Jake easily pulled his hand from mine and stepped back to allow Edward to occupy his spot by my bed.

"So, what did you see on the monitor that caused such a stir?" Jacob directed this question to Alice. He craned his neck to look around Alice at the monitor himself. She smiled at him, but looked to Edward as if to ask his approval to tell Jacob.

Edward inclined his head toward me and Alice nodded.

"Bella, do you want to know the sex of the baby?" Her smile was blinding. I could tell that she was dying to tell me.

Without a second thought I came to a decision but then another thought struck me. I turned to face Jacob.

"Jake?"

He turned back to me grinning sheepishly and I wondered what that was about. Suddenly his spirits seemed much higher than just minutes ago. I had other more pressing things to think about so I asked the question anyway.

"Do you want to know?" I hoped he answered the way I wanted him to.

"Um…well," he muttered, still grinning. I was confused about the sudden turn of his emotions. I felt like I was the recipient of another surprise birthday party. I was sure by now that I didn't like surprises.

"What?" I tried to disguise the irritation in my voice, but I knew it really didn't matter to any of them. I think it amused Jacob to keep me in the dark about things. I easily and often jumped to the wrong conclusions.

"Do you want to know what the baby is? I mean, it doesn't matter to me, but I want you to know if…well, if you want to."

"Well, I kind of already know," Jake said through a smile, but ducked his head almost as if he was ashamed.

"What? How can you know?" I was shocked, but disbelieving. Had he developed some sort of extra sense that I didn't have? Was he just guessing? No one had mentioned the sex yet, so how could _he_ know?

Jake muttered something that I didn't catch and Edward scoffed.

"What?" Jake asked, looking slightly embarrassed and irritated.

"Health class? Seriously? You think an advanced health class qualifies you to determine the sex of a fetus as shown on an ultrasound screen?" Edward shook his head and snickered.

Jacob glared at Edward and his flushed cheeks glowed red from what seemed to be an angry reaction rather than an embarrassed one. Determined to stop a fight before it started, I slid quickly off the side of the cot. Their locked gazes kept either of them from grabbing me before my feet touched the floor.

They stood closer to one another than I was comfortable with and I wedged myself between them, pushing a hand into the strong chests on either side of me. Although with the difference in our height I was touching closer to Jake's waist than his chest. I blushed when I turned toward him and realized this.

Esme came to my rescue when she placed a hand on Jacob's forearm. He jerked away at her cold touch, but his face softened when Esme smiled at him.

"Tell us what you meant, Jacob. I'm anxious to know what you learned at school that would allow you to read the sonogram."

Esme sounded so sincere that Jake hardly glanced sideways at Edward. He stepped closer to me as he began to speak to Esme. His embarrassment seemed to fade as his hand brushed against mine and he didn't flinch the way he normally did now that things were so difficult for us.

It was almost nice to imagine that things between us had never changed and he was still my best friend and confidant.

It struck me then that Edward could hear my every thought and I looked around to see his expression.

_Sorry_. I pushed the thought toward him.

He edged closer to me, ignoring Jake now, and his arm snaked around my waist.

"No need to apologize for what you feel in your heart," he whispered. "It doesn't bother me –the way you feel."

I blushed and pressed myself against him. I didn't deserve his love, but I knew I'd die without it.

To Edward I thought loud and clear: _You know that I think of him as my dearest friend, right? There's nothing else there. Yes, he is the father of this baby, but I would change that if I could._

The kiss he gave me then was full on the lips. He didn't bother to hold back the way he normally did. I became so suddenly and ferociously aroused that I almost forgot that there were other people present. Jacob cleared his throat and the world came back into focus.

The few seconds that it took to clear my head made all the difference in the world. I knew with all my heart that I belonged just where I was –in Edward Cullen's arms. It didn't matter what either of us had done in the past. In the here and now we were right for one another. He was my world. I loved him so much that he had been seared onto my very soul. There was no escaping my destiny and Edward was my destiny.

Though I hated turning my attention from Edward, I really was anxious to find out if the baby was really healthy and if I was having a boy or a girl. I was also extremely curious about how Jacob could know already. Was he just guessing or did he somehow sense it? As I tuned in to Jake and Esme's conversation they turned to face the rest of us and include us in their discussion.

Apparently Jake had been attending school more frequently now that the Victoria threat was past. He'd also picked up some college entry classes that were pretty advanced. I was impressed as he told Esme that he hoped to go to college someday and maybe major in sports medicine.

I jabbed my elbow, stupidly again, into Edward's ribs as he made a comment under his breath about Jake maybe minoring in veterinary medicine.

Jake said that he'd been studying a wide variety of subjects related to the health care field and reading sonograms, x-rays and other scans just seemed easier to him than others when they had covered that in class. He'd even been on a sort of field trip to an orthopedic surgeon's office.

"But honestly, I just figured most of it out because of Quil," Jake snorted.

"And how is that?" Esme asked, amused.

"Well, I'm sure Bella has told you about his imprinting on Claire. Seems like he put together a scrapbook of her life and his leading up to the point that he first saw her." Jake shook his head.

"Well, he include everything and I do mean _everything_ in that scrapbook, which he of course had to show to everyone he ever met," he scoffed.

"He even put copies of Claire's ultrasound pictures in there. It wasn't really all that clear to Quil what was what in them, but I could see things pretty clearly. Like one of those magic picture things you know? The ones that have a picture hidden in them, but you have to know where to look and you really have to focus on them? That's what it looked like to me."

I wondered how I'd missed all of this, but realized quickly that maybe Jacob had not missed my friendship the way I had missed his. It hurt to think that my friend had moved forward in life without me, but it was good to know that he wasn't dwelling on our dying relationship the way I was. Why should we both be suffering every single day?

I knew he missed me too, but I was almost glad to know that he was moving past the idea of us becoming more than friends. Father of my child or not, I could never love anyone the way I loved Edward.

"Anyway, I already know. You should tell Bella." Jacob directed this to no one in particular. I knew this must be hard for him and Edward felt it too.

Edward actually smile at Jacob and when he spoke I knew I would never get used to his generosity.

"No. I think this is something you should tell her. Bella, I think Jake wants to be alone with you for a moment. Do you mind? I'll just be on the other side of the door."

"Yes," I answered too quickly and wondered why I was suddenly so comfortable about being alone with Jake. The excitement of the day's adventure must have been taking its toll on my sanity. Briefly I thought I saw shock in Jake's eyes like he was surprised that I'd let Edward out of my sight while we were alone.

Before I could look back at Edward he was gone as well as Esme and Alice. I turned to Jake as he took my hand. He lifted me easily back up onto the cot and settled himself beside me.

Jacob turned a little sideways and looked me directly in the eye. When he spoke I saw a twinkle in his eye that I hadn't seen in quite some time. It made me smile despite myself.

"So, are you ready for this? You want me to tell you what the baby is?"

I nodded. I couldn't do much else. Everything seemed so surreal again. I felt like I was on the outside looking in on someone else's private moment.

"We're having a boy."


	22. Chapter 22

**The Cradle Will Rock**

**_(BPOV)_**

The day after the surprise exam and finding out- from the father of my child and my best friend- that I was having a boy, I couldn't sit still. Thoughts swirled through my mind like a torrent of water rushing from river to ocean, desperate to make their way into the open. Esme's gardening was beautiful around the house, but I needed more natural settings to offset the unnatural situation I found myself in.

I walked around the Cullens' property for awhile, but found myself drifting further and further to the edge of the woods. Eventually I came to a path that led me a short distance to the bank of the river. I found my way, without thought or trouble. It was as if I were destined to sit on the bank of the river and let my troubles wash over me the way the water rippled over the stones in the river bed. The sound was soothing and the breeze off the water was cool, but in a bitter way. It just felt right to be there.

I sat by the river's edge in awe of the light that shimmered in the still pools here and there. The sparkling clear water ignited images of Edward standing in the sunlight, gloriously illuminated, the way he should be seen.

I wondered for a moment how the sun glittering off the snow would look bouncing off my vampire skin. Would I feel the cold? Where would we live? When we arrived in Alaska…

I froze in place. A chill rushed over me.

_Don't think about it, Bella. Just let it go. _

Would we ever _get_ to Alaska?

I paused to ask myself the same question I'd come outside to escape. I'd spent the morning pouring over a million travel brochures, magazine articles and web pages investigating the one place I thought might be safe for my transition from mortal to eternal life with Edward –Alaska, or as far North as we could go. But then a nagging thought crept in to stir doubt into my dreams.

What if I didn't survive long enough to make it to Alaska? What if the child inside me truly was a monster and I never got the chance at my new life with my true love?

All afternoon I tried to distract myself with pleasant things so that I wouldn't dwell on the nightmare that might be my future. It wasn't working. Every time I relaxed a little I was suddenly sucked back into a vortex of worry. It was a roller coaster ride I couldn't seem to stop. What if…

It wasn't an easy question and the answer wasn't really something I was prepared for. If I lived –one way or another- my future was set. I would become a vampire, and this would please both me and the Volturi. Two birds, one stone. It seemed simple enough. Reasonable? Well, to me it sounded like heaven.

If I died? Well, we'd cross that bridge when we came to it. God, I hoped we didn't get that far. I'd seen how much Edward loved me, for whatever stupid reason, and I didn't think I could bear seeing him in pain because of me. What would he do? The thought of him trying to commit suicide, vampire style, made me shudder.

I picked up a stone and threw it into the river, wishing I could throw away my troubles just as easily as that pebble. A soft rustling behind me alerted me to someone's presence and expecting it to be Alice or one of the Cullens, I didn't turn to see who it was. A warm, heavy hand settled on my shoulder and I looked up wide-eyed to see Sam slowly lowering himself to sit beside me.

I opened my mouth to say something, but I didn't know what he wanted, so I had no idea what would be appropriate. It was an awkward silence that seemed to stretch out forever –although, it was probably more like 5 minutes- before either of us spoke.

"So, what's new?" I asked and immediately regretted being the one to start the conversation. I turned my head just enough to catch Sam glaring at me. No, not at _me_. He was glaring at my huge belly.

Not an entirely friendly visit then. Okay, well I could deal with that. I jutted out my chin and straightened my posture as much as my sore back would allow. If Sam was going to be rude and stare at me, then I wouldn't play the sweet little hostess either.

Sam sighed and dropped his gaze. He pulled a blade of grass apart with his fingernails and I watched the tiny green ribbons drift back to the ground.

"Bella, there are some things we need to discuss and I don't think you're going to like any of them."

Immediately I grew defensive, thinking that Sam was going to ban Jake from seeing or speaking to me, but Sam spoke again before I could form the words to protest.

"I know you probably won't believe me, Bella," Sam said slowly, as if he wanted to make sure I caught every word he said, "and I'm sure you'll be upset about it, but you need to hear me out, okay?"

I could only stare at him. I was too fat and slow to just run away from the conversation that I didn't really want to have. I was too curious to tell him to take his opinions and shove them. So, I sat. And I listened.

"We think you should consider giving him to us."

It took me a few minutes for that to sink in and another minute to sort out in my mind what I thought Sam was saying. His words seemed to come from a distant place, like an echo that bounced around and made its origin impossible to find.

When the words finally sank in I was furious, then confused, and then speechless. I couldn't find the words to express the feelings bubbling up inside of me. My mind was spinning a million times a minute, but my mouth was sealed shut.

In my confusion, I spat out the first thing that came to mind.

"What?"

There wasn't any defined emotion in my voice. That annoyed me further. The situation was beyond my realm of reality now. I could deal with vampires, werewolves, even mind-reading, experimental aliens at this point. But just handing over the child that was growing impossibly inside me? My head swam and my vision began to blur.

"Bella!"

A shout came from somewhere near me, but everything went black before I could distinguish the voice.


End file.
